What The Hell Happened to Courtesy

English: A KONE Ecodisc elevator in Glasgow af...

English: A KONE Ecodisc elevator in Glasgow after a fire alarm has been activated, causing the lift to enter Fireman’s Mode. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have written many times about the lack of elevator etiquette. There are the people who try to take a cigarette into the car, those that dump buckets of perfume/cologne over their heads and then enter the car and there are those that think that it is ok to hold the door while they finish their conversation with someone who has chosen not to get on the elevator. How is that for a run-on sentence.

But today I encountered a new jerk. Today I rode the elevator with a man who thought that it was ok to share his flatulence with me. It is one thing to share these in silence. I’ll do my best not to cough and turn blue while holding my breath.

It is quite another thing to just let one rip” as if you haven’t a care in the world and it is even worse when you don’t apologize or excuse yourself. That is what happened today.

The man didn’t yell “fore” or “Geronimo” or give any indication that he was about to soil his pants and I am fairly certain that this was “wet.” I apologize for the detail, but I am still horrified by this and as a father who has changed many a diaper I know the signs.

It was loud. It was wet and was most aromatic in a most unpleasant way. I wanted to run. I wanted to flee but there was no place to go. The doors were closed and we were between floors.

As I gasped for breath I thought about my family and a sob escaped my throat. There was something so unfair and so unjust about this. My children were going to have to be told that their father died trying to rescue children from a burning building not that he died as a result of asphyxiation caused by noxious fumes from a common “fart.”

The thought was so upsetting. In my mind’s eye I could see them being teased on the playground. I could hear the vice-principal suspending my son for fighting and saw his mother explaining that he didn’t need to fight every time some kid tormented him about it.

Suddenly the elevator doors opened and I flung myself into the hallway. Gasping for air I rolled on the floor and inhaled the stale but ever so sweet after effects of the cleaning crew. The scent of their passage lingered in the air and I reveled in the gift of life I had received.

In the interim stinky rolled on out of the office and waddled down the hall. I carefully followed him and watched him enter an office. Later today we will show him how we deal with terrorism in this part of town.

The boys and I are going out for burritos and chili. Together we will enter his office and then drag him to a utility closet where we will unleash our own WMDs, mercilessly. And as all good terrorists do I’ll videotape this so that I can create more terror by uploading the file onto the net.

Flatulent Fred, judgment day is coming for you.

(Originally run here)

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  1. YoungmanBrown June 25, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    It is times like that when I wish that i was able to summon a counter-attack on command.

  2. raeme67 June 25, 2012 at 4:23 pm

     Laughing so hard I almost peed my pants!
    One of the funniest things I’ve read all day!
    Glad you made it back safe to your family!

  3. Joe June 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Did you say anything? At least a, “Seriously, Dude?”  I wonder what he would have said?  

  4. P.J. June 25, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Holy crap is that just plain rude. Who would do such a thing? And not even say anything in return? I think I would have said something to him. Reality is, however, that some people just don’t care. I was at a baseball game once when a guy a couple rows in front of me lifted one of his legs and bombed a loud fart that rattled the metal bleacher seats. People looked at him in disbelief. There were kids around, too. Nothing was said by him. Couldn’t believe it. But at least that was outside and not in the confines of an elevator.

  5. Lady in Red June 25, 2012 at 12:31 am

    Ha! Gross! I can handle the perfume bit – really don’t mind it at all – but to be stuck in the elevator with a wet fart would be a nasty experience!  I’m sorry you had to go through that. Yes. I’m sorry 😉

  6. wilyguy June 24, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Oh, nasty! I’ve had a few encounters with a silent but deadly(SBD) in an elevator. I more often get the bathed in perfume. In those situations my passive aggressive side often takes over and I might say something. In your case, I might have had to ask if he got any on him…


  7. Daniel Nest June 24, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Happy to see you escape (relatively) unharmed! Looking forward to the imminent Youtube video of your revenge!

  8. subWOW April 1, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    LOL. Glad you escaped unscathed, at least physically…

  9. Janna Polzin April 1, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Dang it! I was eating! Thanks a lot. 🙂

  10. Aidan Donnelley Rowley April 1, 2011 at 4:48 am

    Thank you for the big smile on this sleepy, soggy Friday morning 🙂

  11. TheKitchenWitch April 1, 2011 at 4:31 am

    Obviously, I still have the sense of humor of a 13-year old, because anything that has to do with flatulence still makes me laugh uproariously. This was so funny!

    I used to have a friend who was 100% German. Her family (being 100% German) ate a lot of sauerkraut, cabbage, pickles and salami. Needless to say, they farted all the time. Loudly. It was the first time I’d ever been in the company of people who just put it out there and didn’t even acknowledge the offense. Not once did anyone ever apologize. I was horrified.

  12. Abby April 1, 2011 at 4:05 am

    That is always a traumatic experience. I would like to add an additional scene of the crime–the gym. Men wander around and act like it’s open season on odorous expulsions. No, no it’s not. Especially if it’s only you and me in a humid cardio room, you drop a bomb and then leave five minutes later, making me look like the culprit. Not cool.

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