I hadn’t intended to blog today. I have a guest post running over at C.Mom and more work than I want to think about. If there was ever a time to turn off social media today would be that day. Yet it doesn’t happen because social media has become part of my work responsibilities so I find that I can’t disconnect completely. I can’t turn off my phone or email- can’t get away from the beeps, bells and whistles. In one of the great contradictions of life I find it comforting and infuriating.
Things have happened and are happening. Good and bad things that demarcate big changes and I am at a loss for words. I can’t decide if these represent opportunity, defeat, new beginnings or endings. My skin is tingling and my mind is racing a mile a minute or maybe that is my pulse. It is a mixture of excitement, anxiety and uncertainty regarding the future.
That is because of the mist that clouds my vision. I can’t determine if I hear the echoes of the future or the ghosts of the pasts yanking on chains that are tied to people and places I know or have known. And the problem is that my brain is trying to process it all….now.
What I feel now is a lack of control and that scares me. It scares me because I feel like I am falling and I can’t stop.
So I am blogging now because writing is cathartic and comforting. I am writing because when I put it down on “paper” it enables me to see things more clearly. Clarity is what I need because there are decisions that have to be made and the choices that I make today will most assuredly affect the choices of tomorrow.
Clarity is needed because I teach the children not to panic and I need to know what I’m doing so that I can be the role model that they deserve. Clarity is needed because I can’t gain perspective without it. Clarity is needed so that I can figure out where to step back and what to let go of.
I am reminded of an old saying in Hebrew that translates into English roughly as “don’t lie in a sick bed.” The point is that staying in some situation is simply unhealthy and not very smart. There are some things that you cannot control or change so you need to know when to walk away. Moments like this make think of Max and remind me that I am not him. I can start over and do it all again any time I choose because I never gave up that choice.
If you are among the 17 long time readers of the blog you know that I have a dark side and that I don’t always believe in happy endings. You know that sometimes heroes fail and the bad guys get away. But you also know that sometimes the way that the hero gets his gold star is by getting back up after he has just taken one hell of a beating. And you know that I am just
dumb stubborn enough to go to war again. Except this time it is going to be different. This time I am not going to be the Charlie Brown who let’s Lucy pull the ball away at the last moment.
This time I am going to find a way to take the ball even if it means I have to rip Lucy’s arms off to do it. I am hustling. I am running. I am working. I am trying. I am scared but fear can also be a great tool. If you use it properly fear can keep you alive. Master your fear and maybe you figure out how to more than dance in the fire.
And now if you’ll excuse me I have go wipe the blood off of my face. I am about to walk into the cornfields to see what lies beyond….