I am one of the grumpy old men of the blogosphere. I walk around smacking the young folks with my cane and tell them that when I started blogging seven years ago it was a different blogosphere than it is now.
Mean old man that I am I bark about how pathetic things have become and mock those who cry about not being loved, liked or followed. Because in the good old days we didnâ€™t worry about such things.
No sir, we were too busy recording our thoughts on floppy disks and bitching about hard drives that could only hold 20 megabytes of information. You young people have no appreciation for how hard things it used to be, not to mention your education is weak.
Hell, this joint is filled with quotes from the likes of Mark Twain, John Donne, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Thomas Edison and Slappy the Talking Monkey from Cleveland.
Back during the Golden Age of Blogging we didnâ€™t talk about how to do a proper Vlog or any such thing. Fact is that I was one of the early adopters of the audio blog and people used to get pretty damn excited to hear my voice.
If you mentioned a social network we thought that you were trying to use some sort of quaint term for a party or that you had a really sad way of coming up with euphemisms for swingers.
Back in the day we enjoyed listening to nimrods and numb nuts ridicule us bloggers. It was fun to listen to them accuse us of being nerds who lived in the basements of our parentâ€™s homes.
Confession: While you were busy laughing at us we hacked into your computers and wiped out your bank accounts. Sadly we discovered that you were a bunch of over leveraged, financial misfits who could barely pay for your own stuff, let alone keep us supplied in Corn Nuts, Crackerjacks and soda.
Damn you Yuppies for making me pay for my own Jolt cola, No Doz and Ding Dongs.
Way back in the day I could tell the tales of my youth and the youths that call me pa and be certain to receive 129 comments, good ones too. They werenâ€™t peppered with spam or self promoting yobs who run around the blogosphere.
Speaking of that it reminds me of the 1,983,093 posts that tell you how to become a better blogger. Well your grumpy old man is going to finish this post with a tale that sums up his feelings on much of the blogging advice that is given out:
Mr Shapiro, sixty-five and a widower, was having a lonely time in Miami Beach. He observed a man of his own age who was never without female companionship, forever surrounding him, extending invitations and regaling him with amorous advances.
One day he worked up the courage to ask this paragon: “Mister, excuse me, what should I do to make friends like yours?”. The man sneered and said: “Get a camel. Then ride up an down Collins Avenue every day. Before you know it, everyone in Miami will be asking who that man is, and you will have to hire a social secretary to handle all of the invitations.
So Mr Shapiro purchased a newspaper and looked through the ads. By good fortune he read of a circus, stranded in Miami, in need of capital. Mr S. phoned the circus owner and within the hour he had rented a camel.
The next morning, Mr S. wearing khaki shorts and a pith helmet, set forth on his camel and on to Collins Avenue. Everywhere people stopped, buzzed, gawked and pointed. Every day for a week he rode his trusty steed.
One morning, as he was about to get dressed, the telephone rang. It was the parking lot attendant to tell him that his camel had been stolen. Mr S. called the police. Sergeant O’Riley answered.
“What…you say someone stole your camel?”
“That’s right”, said Mr S.
“I have to fill out a form”, said the sergeant, “How tall is the animal?”
“From the sidewalk to his back, where I sit, a good six feet.”
“What color is it?”
“Camel color, a regular camel-colored camel.”
“Was it male or female?”
“Was the animal male or female?”
“How am I supposed to know that?
Wait a minute. Yes, it was a male.”
“Are you sure?”
“But a minute ago you said you weren’t sure.”
“I’m positive, officer, because I just remembered…
Every time and every place I was riding on that camel, I heard people yelling:
“Hey, look at the shmuck on that camel!!”