Technically this post is for the Just Write project that Heather started on her blog but it is also for me. It is for me because I am frustrated with my writing.
It is not because I am suffering from writer’s block or anything like that at all. It is because I feel like the words haven’t been flowing from my fingertips and across my screen with the sort of magic and majesty I want. I keep repeating the same phrases and pulling out the same tired rabbits and it is not working for me.
I can attribute part of it to not having as much time to write as I want. My nanowrimo story needs a lot of work and I haven’t had time to do it the way I want to. I feel like there are some inconsistencies with the story and the voice there but I don’t get large blocks of time to write. Instead I have brief moments in which I can do so uninterrupted and unencumbered but that is not enough for me.
It is not enough because I feel like I have something special inside and I need to get it out. I feel like I have a story that is eating me alive and the only way to stop that feeling of indigestion is to write it down and set it free.
But life and responsibilities keep getting in the way so I ignore the write thing to do the right thing.Â My son wants to know how I always know what the right thing is and I have to fight not to laugh. It is a reasonable question but the reality is that I am playing this game like everyone else does by the seat of my damn pants.
Don’t get me wrong it is not like I feel like things are out of control or crazy because even when they are I maintain a presence. I am a Taurus and we are freaking rooted to the ground. But there are plenty of times where I sort of look up at the sky and say WTF. There are plenty of times where I think “ok………….now what.”
But that is part of the blessing and joy of this blog because it provides me with another tool and resource to use. It provides me with joy and more laughter than you know but that doesn’t always fix the crazy feeling I get when I feel like I am doing a piss poor job. There are moments where I know that I am guilty of bad blogging. I can blow this thing up and make it 10 times as big and as popular as it is.
I can do so much more with it but I haven’t. The question I ask myself is why haven’t I. It is a reasonable question to ask and one that I need to think about for a bit. It used to be that those things weren’t that important to me so I simply didn’t care but now I am wondering if I need to. Now I am wondering if I need to work harder on building the community and creating a larger readership.
That is the sort of resource that would be very handy for the writing career I am trying to build. It reminds me of a conversation that I have with the kids. I tell them that the day won’t always be perfect and that there will be times when they’ll go to sleep upset about something. But the thing that they must always try for is to go to sleep knowing that they did their best because it is all you can do.
Well, now I am asking myself if I am doing my best. I may not control every aspect of my life but I control quite a bit and I won’t let myself go through life saying that I could have, should have or would have. I have too many of those already and I don’t want anymore. So I am working hard to make sure that they don’t continue, grow or reoccur.
Sometimes I dream of winning the lottery and having enough money to work on my writing. And in these dreams I spend countless hours working on my books. I travel around the world doing research for them and I have great success.
I don’t need to be famous but I wouldn’t mind that success. I wouldn’t mind having enough to live the life I want. I believe in myself but I need to work harder to get out of my own way. I need to do better and avoid becoming my own worst enemy.