My daughter looks at me and asks what is wrong. I don’t tell her what I really think or what I really feel. I just say that I had a bad day because I did. She smiles and she throws her arms around me.
This girl of mine, she wants to rescue daddy. That is what she says. I smile and I tell her that she doesn’t need to feel that way because I don’t need rescuing.
That is not entirely true. I do. I need to find a ship that will take me aboard. I need to stop treading water. My body is tired but that is not the hardest part. The hardest part is that my spirit feels weak. I feel battered and bruised.
And Now A Word From Our Sponsors
Tonight I am writing for Just Write and Yeah Write. They are two different writing programs that I have come to love. Every week I look forward to being a part of them. Every week I find new blogs to read through them and every week new readers find me.
This post you are reading is hard for me to write. It is hard because there are a million things going on and I am guarded. I share much but I don’t share everything. This post you are reading is hard because I am trying to connect with you and I keep telling myself to stop.
Instead of just writing and letting the words flow I am thinking carefully about what I say. That is because I want you to become so enamored you can’t help but become a fan of my Facebook Page. I want you to read these words and want to be a part of this community. I want you to read these words and want to read everything I have ever written.
Part of me is digusted by that. Part of me wants to say that it is terrible to beg and debase myself. Part of me says that I need to stop thinking and just write because that is where my best writing comes from.
There is truth to that. When I ignore self doubt and turn off the editor inside my head good things happen. But there is another voice inside that says that I have to change the rules of the game.
That voice says that I have spent too much time doing things one way and it can’t hurt to change it up. So I wonder if my hesitation is fear. I wonder if I fear being successful as much as I fear failure.
Fear And Blogging
Fear is a big part of blogging or should I say my blogging. I try to write about my fear. I do it because I hope that by doing so I will understand it better and because it is easier to control. I don’t walk around in fear, but I am normal. There are things that scare me.
Somewhere there is a list of them. I usually share it around Halloween.
At the moment my two biggest fears are simple. I fear failing my children and I fear not having the courage to try. I really prefer to try and fail than fail to try. Most of the time I think I do a good job of not succumbing to that, but sometimes I fall short.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and see my biggest enemy. Sometimes I think of the person that used to be my biggest cheerleader and wonder if I really need them to succeed.
I probably don’t. Not sure why I qualified that. It is times like now that I miss my grandparents. They definitely were among my biggest cheerleaders. I have blogged about them many times. I probably should link to those posts or at least some of them. You can read about my paternal grandfather here. You can read a post called Echoes Of The Pople We Miss and learn a bit more about my grandparents.
It touches upon how one of my grandfathers died of a broken heart. Sure he was 97 and sooner or later age would have caught up to him, but it was grandma’s death that killed him. He loved my grandma so very much.
A while back I had a dream about them. I was standing in front of my house and I saw grandma driving down the street. I couldn’t figure out how she was driving because in my dream I knew that she was dead, but dreams are funny that way.
So I ran next door to the neighbor’s house to get grandpa. I watched him run to her. They hugged each other and waved to me. They were about 2o feet away but I couldn’t get to them.
They smiled at me and I wondered why I couldn’t just walk over and say hi. It was surreal. I knew that I was an adult. I knew that I was a father, but I felt like a kid. Why couldn’t I just go hug my grandparents.
You Can’t Go Back- You Can Only Go Through
I wonder how many people will read this post. I wonder who will be interested in checking out the other links. There is one calledÂ Life is A Tale Told By An Idiot that has been calling out to me.
Several sections of it keep popping up. I keep hearing/seeing these words
â€œIf I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstores sell.
Then you reached the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me.
But heroes often fail,
And you wonâ€™t read that book again
Because the endingâ€™s just too hard to take!â€
If You Could Read My Mind- Gordon Lightfoot
There are others that call out to me, other posts that is. I can’t provide excerpts to all of them but I can provide links and hope that some will follow:
- New Yearâ€™s Eve– Sometimes they are magical and sometimes they aren’t.
- The Final Goodbye– The Big Lug was more than just a pet, he was my best friend. Don’t know why the comments repeat there, but..
- I Hear Music– There is no explanation. This simply is.
- The Flying Clown– A drunk clown at a child’s birthday part is a recipe for…something.
I am chasing my dreams. Change is in the air. It is a bit exciting and disconcerting. We’re going to be moving again. Not quite sure when, but some time this year. Don’t know where we’ll move to yet. Might stay in the city or might leave the state.
Lots of possibilities.
I am chasing my dreams. If I can’t figure out the rules of the game then I might as well make them up as I go along.