Many of you know stories about The Big Lug whose countenance looks out at us. If you are among the 17 long time readers you might even remember when I wrote about the final goodbye.
I mention him because there are moments where I really miss talking with him. You won’t find a better listener or someone less judgmental. Of course it wasn’t always easy dealing with the beast who at 150 pounds still thought of himself as a lapdog.
Yet it was a small price to pay to have his counsel and to share the moments with. Today was a day where I realize I could have used him. It would have been good to talk to him about Fear, Anger and Ego.
Not Quite The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse
Fear, Anger and EgoÂ aren’t what you would call the four horsemen of the apocalypse. They are just three things that have been on my mind or should I say they are tied into many things that are on my mind.
Those three feelings are wrapped up in why I want to compete in the race I wrote about and why I want to do The Ironman. The hard truth is that I am not even close to being in the kind of shape I need to be in.
It hurts to look in the mirror and see what has become of me. My ego is bothered and bruised. I feel like I let my children down with this, but more importantly I let myself down.
That is not to say it is impossible to get back in shape because it is not- but it is not like it used to be. My 43 year-old body refuses to respond the way it used to and it irks me to no end.
All it used to take was a minor change in diet and some extra effort with the weights and things changed quickly. That is not happening like it used to so I suppose you could say I am afraid that I am going to find out that there is something wrong and I can’t do it.
But anger talks and it feeds my fire. When I let that sort of anger run through me I am able to push through some of the sets and things begin to move and to happen- so maybe fear has no place.
The Little Voices
The little voices of insecurity that have arrived are new to me. I am not used to it. I am a confident man and always have been, but there are other things that have happened that have made me question this and that.
Fear, Anger and Ego play a role there too. Fear makes me wonder if maybe I am missing something and whatever it is has created a block that it making trouble for me.
Fear makes me wonder if maybe it is obvious and I just can’t see it.
Anger berates me for my inability to figure out what should be obvious. I am not a stupid man so why do I not see it. Why can’t I figure it out.
Ego pats me on the back and advises me to just relax because I have always found a way and I will again- but those little voices keep murmuring.
Those soft brown eyes and that massive head are here twice. That’s because this is what I would have talked to him about. I wouldn’t have been cryptic or oblique. I would have shared it all and then we would have gone for a run or a walk.
Hell, maybe he would have chosen to wrestle and we would have loved it.
If the Big Lug were still here I would have told him that I am still blogging and that sometimes I focus on being a dad blogger but I am working towards other things too.
I would have told him that I feel the clock ticking and that in spite of these voices my gut still says it will all work out. I would have told him about all that I have learned and talked to him about how I chose a harder path.
We would have talked about my children are thriving and how many good things exist because things are hard now but that is not a synonym for impossible or hopeless.
This is just the transition and it so happens I am scaling part of the mountain by myself. It is a temporary thing, but it is what it is right now.
I am just trying to do my best to make sure that Fear, Anger and Ego aren’t my sole companions.
This was part of Just Write #51.