You never want to look back upon your day while sitting handcuffed in the back of a squad car and wonder how it could have gone to hell so quickly.
That is the kind of story that someone else should tell. It is the kind of thing that you never want to remember because it never happened to you, but sometimes lightning strikes and things happen.
It was a day that had started out with much promise. My girlfriend decided to wake me up in a most memorable way and had it stayed that way it would have been a very good day indeed.
I remember staring at the ceiling with a big grin plastered across my face. If she had asked me to marry her at that moment in spite of my young age I most assuredly would have.
Heck I would have said yes to almost anything she asked but then the universe in its esteemed wisdom decided that I had used up all of the pleasure I was entitled to that day.
Our moment was interrupted by a loud bang and many tears. Decorum wonâ€™t allow me to describe exactly what happened when she was startled but suffice it to say that my own tears were almost shed then too.
You see the interruption was created by the entrance of my girlfriendâ€™s best friend and roommate. Her name was Sally Jo but at that particular moment I might have called her $#Q%$@T%.
Her fiancÃ©e had just dumped her and that little kerfuffle was the reason why she felt entitled to come flying into the room.
I know this might sound selfish, but I was less than pleased to see her and not just because I was hurt in the process. However I was smart enough not to ask her to step outside and wait.
â€œBaby, I am really sorry. I hope I didnâ€™t hurt you. I promise Iâ€™ll make it up to you tonight, but she needs me now.â€
â€œNo problem. Iâ€™ll shower at my place. Call me when you finish your chem lab and weâ€™ll get dinner.â€
She didnâ€™t wait for an answer and as I walked out the door she headed over to the other bedroom.
Moments later the day continued its unexpected assault upon my smile. A $50 parking ticket graced my windshield.
In between curses I thanked my hormones for leading me to this blessed place of blue balls, parking tickets and whatever else was to come.
The night before we had been too frantic to get upstairs to worry about street cleaning. My focus had been on getting busy and not reading parking signs.
That lack of focus was about to bite me in the ass again.
It was Tuesday morning and my group was supposed make a presentation in Professor Markowitzâ€™s marketing classâ€¦in ten minutes.
Markowitz was a stickler for time and for appearance. He lectured us on what life would be like in the business world and said that people didnâ€™t respect the unshaven, baseball cap wearing slobs who couldnâ€™t be bothered to show up for work on time.
Our group was slated to go first and there was no way to go home and get to class in time.
As expected Markowitz made a point to mark me down for my attire. â€œBe thankful that you arenâ€™t my employee because I wouldnâ€™t tolerate this sort of insubordination from you.â€
The points he took off were the difference between an â€˜Aâ€™ and a â€˜B.â€™
I was in a very bad mood when I left class so I went straight to the gym. Halfway through my workout I ran into several of my girlfriendâ€™s and her roommates sorority sisters.
Maybe it was my own paranoia but I know girls talk about everything and I could have sworn they were pointing and laughing at me.
I might have gotten stuck trying to figure that out but my buddy Doug distracted me.
â€œDude, my roommates and I have a case of Heineken left over from our last party. Want to swing by and help me make some space in the refrigerator.â€
I smiled again. â€œI wouldnâ€™t be much of a friend if I didnâ€™t help you out in your time of need, now would I.â€
Two hours and a six pack later my attitude is much improved and I have forgotten the craziness of the morning.
â€œExcuse me, got to drain the old weasel.â€
Doug gives me a glassy eyed smile and a thumbs up and I make my way to a bathroom that would have made my mother shriek in horror.
â€œDoug, you obviously never have girls here because this kind of crap would never fly with them.â€
The guy in the mirror nods his head at me and laughs when I tell him he looks like he might be drunk.
Suddenly there is a loud crash and I hear Doug screaming for help. I donâ€™t know what happened but it doesnâ€™t matter. I am 205 pounds of semi inebriated college student.
Dougâ€™s almost like a fraternity brother so I have to look out for him so when I see him getting smacked around by some guy I donâ€™t wonder about who he is or why he is there.
He never sees me coming and I land a shot on him that knocks him right on his ass. He surprises me by getting right back up and coming at me.
Nor will I stop to question why a guy in a black uniform is pulling me off of this guy. I wish that I had because then I might have been smart enough not to hit him or his partner.
My only excuse is that they grabbed me from behind so I didnâ€™t know who they were.
Later on Iâ€™ll stare at the ceiling only this time I am lying in a small room with a steel toilet and some drunk guy.
Some days it doesnâ€™t pay to get out of bed.
TriGirl September 8, 2012 at 10:44 am
Oh, shoot. What a totally crap day. I guess that gets filed under “life experience”, right?
Jack September 9, 2012 at 12:17 am
Sometimes life experience is a real hoot.
Michelle Longo September 7, 2012 at 2:10 pm
I’ve often heard that if you wake up to sex, the rest of the day is all downhill. This story, however, takes the cake!
Jack September 7, 2012 at 10:02 pm
I have never heard that but I suppose the lesson is that if you wake up to sex you need to stay in bed the rest of the day. I think I could get used to that.
Erica M September 6, 2012 at 4:56 pm
You must be a fan of the show Coupling! Or it’s a case of your life imitating art. Either way, your muse made for a pretty good story.
Jack September 6, 2012 at 11:00 pm
I haven’t ever seen it.
Larks September 6, 2012 at 12:47 pm
Oof. That’s rough. So why were the cops at your buddy’s place?
Jack September 6, 2012 at 11:00 pm
Neighbors called it in.
Melisa September 6, 2012 at 11:05 am
Dude. That day sucks! But the post sure doesn’t. I’m still wondering why the girls at the gym were pointing at you.
Jack September 6, 2012 at 10:59 pm
Well you know women, who knows why they do anything. 😉
Stacie September 6, 2012 at 8:50 am
The only think good about this was that it gave you a funny blog post! Kerfuffle – that’s so awesome!
Stacie September 6, 2012 at 8:50 am
*thing, dang it!
Jack September 6, 2012 at 10:58 pm
A good kerfuffle is great blog fodder.
IASoupMama September 6, 2012 at 7:51 am
Oh, good golly… You remind me of my little brother in this post. If you were he, I would have shown up at the jail to bail you out with a reprimand, “Dude? What were you THINKING?” and clearly the answer would be, “I wasn’t.” And that would have been true.
Jack September 6, 2012 at 10:57 pm
There are those moments in life where we realize that we are the reason why we are in a particular predicament. Always good to know that we are serving as our own worst enemies. 😉
Kristin September 6, 2012 at 7:15 am
Steak and BJ Day? Maybe not so much. 😉
Jack September 6, 2012 at 10:54 pm
Isn’t that every day. 😉
stephanie September 6, 2012 at 6:59 am
Only thing missing was the rock and roll. This post needs a good sound track. What’s your favorite ceiling adornment? Paint, open beam, mirror? Heck of a day!
Jack September 6, 2012 at 10:53 pm
I can’t decide if I would go with Springsteen, Social Distortion or Johnny Cash but any one might work.
Favorite ceiling adornment? Adam’s hand touching G-d. 😉
christina September 6, 2012 at 6:43 am
really enjoyed the story telling here. love the last line.
Jack September 6, 2012 at 2:45 pm
Thanks. Some days it really doesn’t pay to get out of bed- sadly I know that sometimes this is accurate.
Gina September 6, 2012 at 6:30 am
I understand why your edge got crankier as the telling of this story went on. Bad day is an understatement. Girls don’t talk about EVERYTHING but that morning might have gotten a shout out.
Jack September 6, 2012 at 2:44 pm
If this had really happened I guarantee it would have been discussed. Thankfully it is fiction.
Mayor Gia September 5, 2012 at 8:06 pm
Worst. Day. Ever.
Jack September 5, 2012 at 11:36 pm
It would definitely rank up there.
shannon September 5, 2012 at 7:59 pm
Dude, that’s quite the day. Well that’ll teach you to say yes to a morning canoodle. 🙂
Jack September 5, 2012 at 11:35 pm
You get big points for using canoodle. It is one of my favorite words along with insouciant and defenestrate.