How To Make Friends and Influence People

It is considered bad form to suggest that you can help the socially inept by incorporating throat punch and Mule Kick Monday where we help you rid yourself of the people whose sole purpose in life is to irritate you.

Hell, I don’t doubt there are at least three people in this vast world of ours who would like to improve their day with a preemptive strike which is exactly why I went around today doing my impression of Bruce Lee.

Yeah old Jack showed his fists of fury off in a big way. You should have seen the looks on those who were enlightened by the boots of burden.

It Is Fiction

Confession: that was fiction, I didn’t unleash my fists of fury or boots of burden. Hell, I own two pairs of boots, a pair of Black Justins and some nice Timberlands but neither were used to strike anyone.

Ladies, did you appreciate my sharing information about my boots? Was it wrong of me to ask?

I am not really asking nor am I serious. Right now I am just writing for the sake of writing. I am writing because there I didn’t get to hang out with the wolfpack tonight and the demon inside demands my attention.

I am writing because I am turning 44 years-old in a couple of days and I am trying to figure out how it all works. I feel like I am 25. I don’t quite look like I am 25, but I feel like it.

Is it just me or does 44 sound old?

Hell, if memory serves Satchel Paige was still pitching at 44 and so was Jamie Moyer. I think Rickey Henderson was still playing pro ball too.

What Is The Difference Between Us?

Well let’s see, Rickey and Satchel were/are Black and I am not. Jamie was a pitcher and I am not. All three of them had enough talent to make the big leagues and apparently I didn’t, er don’t. But maybe I do.

I never did get a try out and if you miss every shot you don’t take well then I missed because I didn’t try out, not because I didn’t make the team.

That gives me an idea, someone get Kobe on the phone, I can still play for the Lakers. Hell, someone tell Kobe I challenge him to a game of one-on-one with the stipulation that he plays me now while he is on crutches.

I May Be Older, But I Am Not Stupid

Sometimes it is better to be the crafty old veteran than the young rookie. You have to work on being clever and use a few tricks here and there. Speaking of tricks let’s see if this one works.

I am going to mention Triberr because 9 times out ten Dino Dogan magically appears and leaves a comment. So let’s mention Triberr and see if he shows up here. Hell, let’s get ready to write another post about Triberr and then guarantee that Dino will grace us with his presence.

In the interim I am going to review what we learned here:

It would make some people feel better if we could create  throat punch and Mule Kick Monday. It would undoubtedly have many fans as well as many detractors and we might find out if the old adage about bad PR being good PR is correct.

We might also get arrested and be thrown in a cell with Bubba the drunk degenerate who fought Bad Bad Leroy Brown, the baddest man in the whole damn town.

Now I reckon some people might have a problem with me talking about Bubba the drunk degenerate. You might not prefer me to call him Bubba the buggerer either which means that clearly you are in favor of stealing all of our guns so that radical Islamist terrorists can declare Jihad on us and murder us indiscriminately.

Of course if you were patriots you wouldn’t mind my talking about Bubba the drunk degenerate who fought Bad Bad Leroy Brown, the baddest man in the whole damn town.

How To Make Friends and Influence People

In fact you patriots would be pleased to know that I didn’t make it into pro ball and that  after I created throat punch and Mule Kick Monday and was thrown into jail I met Bubba the drunk degenerate who fought Bad Bad Leroy Brown, the baddest man in the whole damn town.


Because I would beat Bubba the drunk degenerate who fought Bad Bad Leroy Brown, the baddest man in the whole damn town to a pulp saving you from the beating you would have surely received when he sobered up, was released on his own recognizance and took to wandering the streets again.

And that my friends is how you make friends and influence people. Some of you might call it Tea Party Logic, but me, I call it common sense.

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  1. Jayme Soulati May 15, 2013 at 6:50 am

    Wow. You would’ve offended me if you wanted me to know your boot size, not that you’re wearing Timberlands and something else. Your logic? Well, it’s to be questioned.

    How would Madame Soulati like this? To give you grief in a hand basket? What is a hand basket anyway?

  2. Joe May 7, 2013 at 10:26 am

    44? Shit, I wish I was 44 again. I’m 50, mofo!!! But, like you, still feeling 25 (or younger) and hoping for another 50. I’ve got the genetics to get to 90, but only if I’m blessed.

    Happy early birthday.

  3. Elizabeth Lee May 7, 2013 at 4:57 am

    A. How much did you have to drink before you wrote this?
    B. Who is tougher? Jim Walker or Leroy Brown?
    C. Forty-four really isn’t old. It IS middle-aged though. Is that the reason for all the angst? You don’t want to be middle-aged?

    • Jack May 7, 2013 at 7:56 pm

      A) I did not have any alcohol.
      B) Who is taller?
      C) Nope, not middle aged. Middle age comes when I am half as old as my oldest grandparent. That won’t happen until 48.

      Pretty cool stuff. 😉

      • Elizabeth Lee May 8, 2013 at 6:34 pm

        A) My mistake.
        B) I see you’re voting for “Treetop Lover” aka Leroy. How you suppose Willie McCoy aka “Slim” would compare?
        C) In six years you can join AARP. 🙂

  4. Kristen Daukas May 7, 2013 at 4:45 am

    Dude. 44 is not old. Trust me. Although I’m sure my kids would appreciate if I stopped saying things like “dude”. Which is why I say things like “dude”. And in order to make Dino appear, I think you have to say “Triberr, Triberr, Triberr” sort of like Beetlejuice.

  5. Betsy Cross May 7, 2013 at 2:48 am

    “I am writing because I didn’t get to hang out with the wolfpack tonight and the demon inside demands my attention.”
    I think you should take up boxing! LOL!

  6. Stan Faryna May 7, 2013 at 1:54 am

    Is there something special about the number 44? Or, maybe, 43 was something of a considerable challenge and even adventure – it wears harder somehow?

    I hope you get to spend your birthday with loved ones.

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