Archives for November 2013

I am the most patient impatient man you have ever met, at least for some things and some people. If you are singing our song and I can hear it than you can rest assured I will move heaven and earth to get to you, even if I have to do it more than once.

In a world filled with contradictions all I ask is that you give me your hand and trust me to wander through the dark because even though I am bruised and battered by the things I can’t see and nicked, scraped by those I can I will return.

I always do.

Halloween Has Come And Gone

This time last week I was in the home stretch of a 21 hour car ride that took me through four states and back to where I once belonged and knew how everything would work.

By the time I hit nineteen hours I was a bit crazed and tired of driving. My 13 year-old car is reliable but not built to make a 44 year-old body feel  good.

I made a point to keep a hard ball on the center console so that periodically I could place it behind my back and roll against it, but it only did so much. Could have grabbed a more than 50 winks in Phoenix and spent the night so that I would be fresh for the ride home on Sunday but I couldn’t stomach the idea of not hugging my kids for another day so I pressed on.

Drove and thought about Halloween and how much fun it would be to walk with them through the neighborhood. Pushed on knowing that it would leave me exhausted and cranky. Pushed on knowing that on Wednesday I’d go play ball with some guys who think that defense means you hammer the back and arms of anyone holding the ball.

It Might Have Been Worth Getting Arrested tells some of the story of how I responded but it doesn’t do enough to acknowledge that I knew I would be short tempered.

This is part of what happens When The Rhythm of Life Is Disturbed.

But I made it back in time and we had a great night and now I am seated at my desk staring at a pile of empty wrappers.

Four Soccer Games Later

It was a four soccer game Saturday today. Some of you might wonder how I could give up that much time on a Saturday and I can understand why you would.

But when you see the glow in the eyes of my children and watch the joy radiate from them you can understand better how it is that I can stand upon the sidelines.

Or more accurately you can see me pace on the sidelines, yelling out encouragement to the kids.

Loved being there, I missed it and yet more than one person told me that I kept talking about Texas like it was amazing. But that is because it was, so many good things happened there and now I think part of why I feel discombobulated is because it turned life upside down in many ways.

That is not always a bad thing.

Transitions and Interruptions

Overall the transition has been good but there have been some definite rough spots and I am doing my best to work through them. Love being around the kids like this but the interruptions in my writing and work are challenging.

Kind of funny because we have been through this before but since I have been gone for a while I have to learn again how to manage it and I will.

Sitting here I can’t help but stare at the pile of empty wrappers (the parent tax is stiff) and think more about what is best for these rug rats of mine.

There is no immediate need to make decisions but when I look at what it costs to live back home I have to think about whether I shouldn’t push harder to take them back to the other home.

In the interim I have to stop eating this blasted candy because if I haven’t overdosed upon it I am about two candy bars and a Tootsie roll away.

Editor’s Note: Some of you may have noticed and wonder why some bloggers are talking about NaBloPoMo 2013. It stands for National Blog Posting Month, frequently abbreviated as NaBloPoMo and it refers to the practice of blogging every single day during November.

One week ago I was packing my car with the few remaining pieces of my apartment and preparing for the 1,500 some odd mile trip back home.

Almost ten months earlier I left the family behind to take a new job and to begin forging a new life for us, far from home in a strange new land where we would get a fresh start.

It was a hard but necessary move and one I made with limited second guessing and a do what it takes attitude. When I arrived on the new frontier I did my best to lay the foundation for a fruitful and fulfilling life on the Ponderosa. Back home more than a few people teased me, asked me what a Jew does in Texas and I teased them right back.

Teased them right back because I was one of the few who was actually born in Los Angeles. My dad was born there too and I had grandparents who had moved there at a young age so my roots are almost 100 years old in LA.

And  I knew more than a few members of the tribe who could say the same about Texas and more than a few transplants that had been living there for decades.

The Long Ride Home

The trepidation I felt leaving L.A. went away many months ago and so I was somewhat surprised to realize that it was back, but that this time it was because I was going back to what was supposed to be familiar.

Twenty-one hours in the car gives you more than a few moments to think and I did quite a bit of it. I worried a bit about whether the uncertainty I felt meant that I was a man without a state because nothing felt right to me.

Texas wasn’t quite right without those kids and LA wasn’t quite the same without Texas. It was disconcerting and I wondered if it was just nerves or if I would drive back and discover that the gut was truly unhappy.

And then I got here and confirmed that nothing feels quite right.

I am on a seesaw and it is irritating the fuck out of me.

Yeah, I sometimes swear in my posts.

Been amazing to be back with the kids, missed them far more than I ever said but I am off balance now and frustrated because I haven’t been able to find the rhythm of life I knew.

The Notebook- One Week

I keep reminding myself it has only been one week and that I need to give myself time.  Keep reminding myself of that and then I hear Dylan singing Subterranean Homesick Blues, “You don’t need a weatherman, To know which way the wind blows” and I hear something else.

I hear those echoes of the future and feel something I can’t quite describe. Reminds me of a moment from the summer when I sat on the couch in my apartment watching The Notebook, belly full of steak and a heart that was…happy.

When I think of that moment the discombobulated feeling goes away and I start to feel centered. Reminds me that though I feel a bit like I am in hell now things will adjust.

This is a temporary moment in time and we just need to roll with it.

Give Me A Date

I want a date. I want to know precisely when that rhythm will be restored but I don’t have it yet. Don’t have that date but I have the feeling, that warm spot in the belly that says relax and all will be worked out.

It is not easy to listen to. Not easy to let go of trying to control what you can’t, so I am just doing my best to manage it. And somewhere along the way I will find that rhythm of life again.