Maybe You Shouldn’t Take Your Best Friend Out In Public


Bathroom Adventures: Your old friend Jack has a funky digestive system so he has had occasion to visit the bathroom more frequently than many others. Some of these moments have provided some of the best blog fodder a man could ask for and I have taken great pleasure sharing them with you.

Last night I attended a party at a hotel. Several drinks and some hours later I answered Mother Nature’s call and was surprised to find a man who was suffering from performance anxiety.  When he realized he was talking out loud he went silent and moments later walked out.

It reminded me of the story below.

If you read those then you just never know what is going to happen in a public place, especially a public bathroom. This is the tale of one of my experiences.

Let me set the scene. I enter a public restroom. Against the far wall there is a line of a half dozen or so urinals, only one of which was in use. If you are familiar with urinal selection strategy this is a good thing as it provides much to choose from.

As I had enjoyed plenty o’coffee I had need of one and so I headed down the line a couple places past a gentleman at the front. He was a big guy, had to be at least 6’2, dark hair and wearing a dark suit. Not that I was looking hard, but I had to pass by him on the way to my own urinal.

As I moseyed on up to my special place I realized that he was saying something, but it was a bit muffled. I didn’t know if he was speaking to me, so I paused for a moment to listen.

Man: What are you afraid of? Why are are you waiting? Just do it.

It took a moment to realize that he wasn’t speaking to me and instead was speaking to himself. I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about it but what he said made me stop what I was doing.

Warning, this next part is going to be a little graphic, but it is an important part of setting the scene.

As you can imagine I was a little surprised by this. At the exact moment that he was speaking I had reached into my own pants and had my friend in my own hand. There was business to be taken care of and this other guy is babbling about fear, but that wasn’t all.

Man: We have done this a thousand times. You can do it, just relax.

Men, have you ever tried to urinate while the guy down the way is giving his penis a pep talk. I have to tell you, it is more than a little distracting. I must have coughed or done something to indicate that I was aware of him because the next comment was directed to me.

Man: Don’t you speak to your penis?
Jack: Not usually, I am not sure that I ever do.

Man: I speak to mine and he answers me.
Jack: Really?

Man: He is my best friend.
Jack: Is there a camera in here?

Man: I don’t think so. I am serious, I always talk to my penis.
Jack: Did anyone ever tell you that your best friend is a dick.

Man: It is not a joke. I use special visualization techniques to improve my performance.

I remember thinking, ” what the hell is going on here!” All the while I am looking for a camera because I am convinced that I am being filmed for some crazy television show.

Man: They have conducted studies that prove that you can do better in every aspect of your life. All you need to do is think about it.

Jack: I have heard about some of those studies, but I can’t say that I remember being told to speak to my penis.

Man: You have to try it. It will make a big difference in your life. I know it sounds weird, but it works.

Now I am tolerant of many things and find people to be amusing, but I have to admit that the man with the talking penis was making me less than comfortable. So I did my best to finish what I was doing and get out of there.

As I was washing my hands the juvenile kid that lives inside my head decided to make an appearance. “My penis says goodbye,” I shouted as I dried my hands.

To which I received the following answer:

Man: Ted says goodbye to you too.

And with that I was left to ponder a few things. Who was Ted? Was that the name of the man or what he calls his penis. And when he said goodbye which form of the word “to/too/two” was he using.

Was it singular, or was he saying goodbye to my penis and myself. More importantly, did I really want to know the answer to that question.

I didn’t bother to turn around and ask. I just kept walking. In the end I decided that it was better for him to think that my penis and I are rude because there are some questions that I just don’t need an answer to.

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  1. Don March 14, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    This is fairly creepy. I used to apologize to mine a lot after striking out with a lady, but that’s normal.

    Oh, and your friend is a dick? That was funny. He clearly was a strange bird to not laugh.

  2. Brian Reasoner March 11, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    Me and my big fella speak in sign language.

  3. Larry March 10, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    This is hilarious. Ted says goodbye – I was rolling.
    I have a rule to speak as little as possible in public bathrooms.

  4. March 9, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    And that is why we women use stalls!

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