The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for April 2014

876 Surprising Ways Facebook Makes You Wish Your Life Was As Cool As Mine

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Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

If I had a secretary I would ask him/her to get The Shmata Queen on the phone because this picture proves that Clevelanders have seen blue skies once.

But I don’t have a secretary so I’ll have to come up with other arrangements like writing a status update on Facebook asking if anyone could prove this picture wasn’t photoshopped.

That is assuming I didn’t write an update about the amazing meal/vacation/experience I just had.  Those of you who aren’t one of my Facebook friends are missing out on those, really you haven’t lived until you have been uplifted/amused/offended by one of my status updates.

Facebook Etiquette

I am not going to try to tell you how to use Facebook. That is not what this post is about, let’s leave it to the social media gurus.

Instead let me throw something out at you. Have you received friend requests that make you scratch your head? You know the one from the man/woman who you sort of knew in school.

You know that person you might have smiled or grunted at once.

Those people are pretty easy for me to deal with. If I was remotely curious about them I accept the request and later on I decide if I want to keep them around.

Most of the time I tell people from the office I prefer to keep work/personal life separate. If they give me any grief I explain that I am a swinger who likes animals and that I like sharing naked photos and videos.

You should hear the uncomfortable laughter that comes after I say that, especially when I tell them they haven’t lived until they have made love to a monkey.

And then there are the friend requests that come from the parents of my childrens’ friends. Sometimes I wonder if they are truly interested in being my friend or if they are just checking me out to make sure I am a suitable guardian for play dates when their kids come over.

I like to warn them I use Facebook as a place to share my fetishes and to show off my gun collection. Maybe that is why my kids are always invited to play at their friend’s homes and not ours. Hmm…

Facebook And Privacy

My good friend Mr. Zuckerberg has a very different idea of privacy. I don’t like his at all and the more  I see the less I like him. Take a gander at Facebook is trying to do with the newest iteration of their Android App and tell me it doesn’t make you wonder what the hell is going on there.

It is part of why I have a significant love/hate relationship with Facebook.

It has helped me reconnect with members of my extended family. It is unlikely I would know as much about my family in Israel as I do and it certainly helped strengthen connections with family members around the states.

I am grateful for that and appreciative of how it helped me reconnect with some friends from college I lost touch with.

But some of the other things make me less happy.

The privacy issues bother me. There is no reason for Facebook to have that much information about me. I am not that interesting.

I don’t like how every time they make a change it feels like I have to check my security settings to make sure they haven’t changed.

Not a big fan of Facebook suggesting who I might want to be friends with. If I am not connected with someone now it ninety-nine percent of the time it is because I have actively chosen not to.

Facebook & Children

Somewhere in the archives is a post I wrote about Facebook and children. I prefer my children stay off of it, mostly because I don’t want to have police their accounts.

That is not to say they can’t or won’t have accounts one day but I like them to keep their lives offline. While they are sorting through what is appropriate to share learning that what is cool at eight might not be cool at 14 it is easier to have a smaller digital footprint.

876 Surprising Ways Facebook Makes You Wish Your Life Was As Cool As Mine

That headline is me taking a poke at Upworthy headlines. I find much of their stuff to be obnoxious and  a bit preachy. However I keep hearing those headlines work so I figured I’d take a stab at it.

Oops, it is past midnight hear so I have to run I would hate to give Facebook a picture of my carriage turning into a pumpkin. Better for you all to think I am the coolest man ever.

So here is to fake status updates and sanitized profiles.

69 Reasons Why Social Media Makes Us More Stupid

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fog island

Some might say I fought a balrog in the Mines of Moria and that I came out victorious. Others might argue no such thing happened and that I played a different role in the affairs of Middle Earth.

You might think the Shmata Queen can tell you about the who, what,where and when of it all. You might wonder if I have ever compared us to Orpheus and Eurydice and whether I ever stormed the world and took on Hades.

Well maybe I did and maybe I didn’t but if an ordinary man took on a balrog in the mines and walked out do you think he would fear Hades?

I am many things but I am not a coward. Perhaps a bit puckish in nature, but…

I Never Owned A Mustang

I never did own a Mustang. I started with ’77 Chevy Impala station wagon, moved to a ’69 Dodge Dart Swinger, went back to the Impala and then to a ’77 Camaro.

Loved the Camaro, last year of the steel bumper and ever so much fun to drive. There were other cars and many more stories that happened before, during and after the times I have referred to.

But of all the cars I have owned that Camaro is probably the one I miss the most and the reason why one day I will own another sports car.

Ah the joys of youth, I feel their reverberations even now but I hear the echoes of the future calling out to me and soon I shall answer.

If nothing else this almost middle aged body tells me that the next vehicle is going to require more comfortable seats so that when the wanderlust strikes and it will the many hours in the car won’t leave my back and legs feeling…dead.

69 Reasons Why Social Media Makes Us More Stupid

Would you be upset if I told you I used this headline to see if it generates more shares, more reads and more interest. Would it bother you more if I didn’t give you a list of things that social media is doing or if I just ignored it.

What if we save the analysis and just write and have fun doing so because sometimes there is so much more joy in the journey when you don’t plan out every detail.

Life has taught me we can only plan so much and then we just roll with what comes along. I have learned through far more joy than pain that sometimes it can humble you and sometimes it can give you untold riches.

Sometimes people and experiences are offered, brought to you and if you have the courage to walk into the cornfields and see what lies just beyond there is so much.

The plan and the goal are to teach these children of mine to see the magic, to not be afraid to just go for it and to remember that sometimes you learn how to fly on the way down.

And if that doesn’t work, well we are built to last. Those bruises don’t always feel good but they fade quickly and the scars make for a good story.

Give me a few moments and I can tell you one that will make you feel something and it won’t be my hand in your pocket. 😉

Last Words

One day I’ll breathe my final breath and you won’t have my arms to hold you close or the sound of my voice but these words will remain and those experiences we shared will be carried on and all you’ll have to do is think of me and I’ll be back.

Some days you just have to write.

“If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber’d here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,

Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon we will mend.
Else the Puck a liar call.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
Puck- A Midsummer Night’s Dream

The Original Dad Blogger- What Is A Tagline Worth?

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"Come, Sit, Tell Me About America..." (#1 of 2 - a set)

Friday afternoon, headphones on listening to Otis Redding sing Hard To Handle and thinking about how I’d explain dad blogs and taglines to President Lincoln.

I have no doubt Old Abe would understand tag lines and why people use them after all he wasn’t just appointed president. The office isn’t part of a monarchy where the lucky man just happens to be born into the Royal Family. Nah, you have to run for president, you have to earn it.

Of course if I was speaking with Mr. Lincoln I’d ask what he thinks about campaign finance reform and inquire about his opinion on the SCOTUS ruling about political donations and then I’d rub my eyes and ask him to teach me how to live to be more than two hundred.

How Do Blogs Become Popular?

My current tagline about being the original dad blogger is rooted in sarcasm and snark. It comes from several years back when a series of popularity contests developed and there was a mad race to try to become voted The Best/Most blah blah blah blogger in the blah blah blah blogosphere.

It irked me. Some have said it is because I didn’t win but that is not really it. I am not going to lie and say there have been moments where I felt overlooked and bothered by it.

But what bothered me the most was the impression that the winners were all people who attended the blog conferences and that the judging wasn’t based upon who was a good writer but who was the best marketer.

I am still convinced that some of the best known and most heavily trafficked blogs are that way not because the author is a good writer but because they are a good marketer and I suspect in some cases because they attend the conferences.

That might not be true. I could be wrong but I could be right too.

What I am certain of is that quality of writing is subjective. My favorite example is the disdain Mark Twain had for Jane Austen, but there are lots of examples of “professional authors” dishing out hate upon other authors.

Anyhoo I painted myself into a funny corner where I tell you I don’t care about being popular but want more readers. Did it a long time ago and decided that if I was going to play the game I would try to play it my way and that is part of why I am thinking about taglines again.

What Is A Tagline Worth?

My friend Judy is responsible for making me think about taglines. I am not sure if I ever told her that I have used The Hollywood Guide to a Better Blog Tagline as a reference.

If you don’t make it over there I’ll share part of the comment I left on that post where I shared some of the taglines I considered using here:

The Condom Broke

Larceny, Mutiny and Insanity

I Write. You Read. They Buy

Lately I have been thinking about changing the tagline because I am not sure how effective The Original Dad Blogger is. No one catches the snark and if they did I am not sure it would help and frankly being the original or oldest anything is not always indicative of quality or value.

What Does Your Tagline Do For Your Blog?

If the president and I were sitting on that bench  I mentioned just as soon as we finished talking about the Paleo diet, Crossfit and Tough Mudders I am sure he would ask me to explain how my tagline is helping me.

And if he didn’t I would bring it up and ask him what he thought to see if my concerns were rooted in my own paranoia. I asked the Shmata Queen about it once and she wrapped her arms around my neck, looked deep into my eyes and told me I am a great writer and that I should stop making fun of Cleveland.

I took it to mean that tagline didn’t do much for her.

What Is Your Plan For Your Blog?

What is your plan for your blog? That is not a rhetorical question or one I limit to commenters. For a long while I have sort of straddled the fence of being a dad blogger and a writer/marketer.

I don’t want to be limited. It is part of why I don’t limit myself to one niche and another reason why I am thinking about taglines.

But enough about me. Do you have a tagline? Do you like it? Do you have a plan for your blog or are you just flying by the seat of your pants?

There are no right or wrong answers, I am just curious.

What Kind Of Faith Do Writers Need?

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Field of Sunflowers

That headline isn’t religious in nature. This isn’t an essay about why writers want or need G-d in their lives.

No, this is about the need to trust our writing and to trust ourselves. It is about looking back at the conversation with The Shmata Queen about being a writer and having faith that people want to read these words.

It is my not giving in to the internal editor who whispers in my ear that the words on the page are pathetic and that others are better. And it is about giving myself permission to suck, to fail, to strike out because sometimes you don’t have it.

Sometimes the words that answer your call are not the words you want, need or wish for. Sometimes they are inferior and you are embarrassed because you feel like you have fallen short.

Faith is needed. Faith is necessary. Faith is critical because it is what helps you try again. It is what helps you believe that maybe your first, second, third or 198th try is going to be magical.

Writing Is Hard

Sometimes my children ask me if I think writing is easy and I chuckle because it is one of the hardest things I do. My daughter tells me I shouldn’t lie to her because she says she has seen me write…a lot.

It is true. I have and I do.

I write more than most.

Some of it is because it is my job and some of it is because writing is my sanctuary.

But it doesn’t necessarily mean it is easy or that I don’t find it difficult. There are many moments when I curse the words I see on screen and wonder why I don’t hit more home runs.

Sometimes I think about quitting. Sometimes I think about just walking away from it all because I am tired of grinding it out but then there are moments where those words just roll and I know I am looking at something magical.

They don’t come as frequently as I want or wish they would but they come and they happen because of faith and effort.

Do The Work

Writers need more than faith. They need more than a thick skin and a willingness to forget the times they failed.

They need to remember some writers will get lucky and early in their careers they’ll produce something that people love, something that receives accolades and acclaim.

But you cannot, mustn’t compare yourself to them because if you really want to earn those accolades you need to do it more than once.

Anyone can hit a bit fat fastball that is lobbed over the plate once, but the writer who can do it more than once is something special. And if you want to be special you have to be willing to do the work.

You have to be willing to pound on the keyboard and t0 read and to do it all over and over again.

It has All Been Said Before

It has been said before and more than once. People will tell you this over and over again. More than a few will try to convince you to give up, they’ll tell you only a few manage to climb out of the pit and away from the masses.

If you listen to them you might as well give up now because you’ll be done before you get started.

So what if it  has all been said before, no one has ever said it as you do and you won’t know until you try if people like your way of saying it.

Sometimes you have to tell that little voice to stick it. Sometimes you just need to have faith.

Stupid Social Media Tricks & Tips

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Canva pix

Kids are fighting about kid stuff, dog is barking about dog stuff and the neighbors are mowing the lawn and revving car engines so I am putting on the handy dandy noise reduction headphones.

Sometimes being a parent means letting your kids settle their differences without your playing referee and this is one of those moments. Time has come to try to build the readership up again here, got to go out and earn some more sponsorships and that comes by building a bigger platform.

So it is time to use a few social media tricks, do some things that lend themselves to sharing and that is why I am trying to use Canva to create more images that people want to pin on Pinterest and to produce content that people want to share on Google Plus.

Do You Believe in Serendipity?

Yeah, I believe in Serendipity, didn’t for a long time or maybe it is more accurate to say I really hadn’t thought about it much. But when I look back and think about the conversation with The Shmata Queen and look at how far I have come in this blogging gig it is clear to me it exists.

My first real troll helped introduce me to the inner workings of analytics and got me thinking about different ways we could use eyeballs and the role content played in making people feel.

Because the secret of blogging is to make people feel something. Ideally your words make them feel good and they keep reading because you lift them up but you can get their attention by attacking their beliefs too.

Write about politics. Write about religion.

Write about both or just one and you are guaranteed to uplift and offend. People won’t let you straddle the fence but if you really want to have fun tell Christians they whine too much about being oppressed, suggest all Muslims are terrorists and tell moms that breastfeed in public that unless they are going to serve as a mobile drink station for adults who need cream in their coffee to put those things away.

Let’s see, who didn’t we offend. Oh yes, gay people you need to stop pushing your agenda on us. Anti vaccination people need to be rounded up and sent to leper colonies because we won’t let you kill our children with your middle age medical philosophies and anyone who is anti-circumcision is welcome to come see me privately so that I can prove everything works just fine.

Satire and Traffic

If you are not a long time reader you might not know what to make of what I wrote above. Some people will tell you it is satire and suggest you shouldn’t be offended but I’ll own what I believe and what I wrote to help illustrate an example.

I don’t believe Christians are oppressed, at least not in the U.S. I don’t believe all Muslims are terrorists.

You won’t find me supporting the anti-vaccination crowd. I won’t really advocate they be rounded up and moved into leper colonies but I will tell you it is selfish and ignorant. Some people have tried to convince me otherwise by telling me they have read enormous amounts of material on the topic.

There is merit in reading but by the same token I can tell you I have read quite a bit about flying planes and brain surgery. Might even have read cutting edge material that a pilot/surgeon with 20 years experience hasn’t read, but would that really make me more qualified to make a decision.

Would you feel comfortable letting me fly your plane or cut your head open based upon my assurances.

I believe in gay marriage. I believe in circumcision and I don’t usually care about breastfeeding in public.

That is the short version, but I’ll bet some of you are still fuming.

2
Confession, I have a romantic bone in my body and that quote works for me, just makes sense. Might have to write a story around it. You do know I write fiction? Right?

You can find it here.

Write From The Heart

If you don’t write with passion your readers are less likely to relate. I don’t know why, but it is really easy for me to remember things that hurt me as well as things that made me feel good.

I tap into those feelings when I write and when I do it well you can see the picture I painted and you relate.

Maybe it is when I share a story about my children or talk about the crazy stuff we did in college. Maybe it is when I write about that one person who made your heart pound and who never stopped or maybe it is the story about the concussion.

Whatever it is if passion is a part good things tend to come with it, at least as far as social media goes.

Maybe those tips aren’t so stupid after all.

Would You Pay Your Favorite Bloggers To Blog?

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Mommy ... I'm bored!

Many years ago The Shmata Queen sat me down and told me I was in the wrong career and that I was born to be a writer. I thanked her for her support and told her she was biased and that I would think about it.

If you believe the universe sends you messages then you can see that conversation as being a very plain ‘you need to move your cheese’ moment but I didn’t pursue it because I was making a chunk of change selling and I couldn’t see a way to earn enough as a writer to support my family.

Fast forward a number of years and the universe or dumb luck pushed me ass over elbow off of a cliff and my perspective has changed. I realized I had to go back to writing because it is part of what feeds my soul and fills my heart and I recognized I could leave Los Angeles and find a more affordable place to live.

A Patron Of The Arts

Fast forward several years after the conversation with the queen and I start monetizing the blog. I become a brand ambassador, write some sponsored posts and find multiple ways to start using this joint to make a couple of bucks.

Slowly but surely I find ways to turn pennies into nickels into quarters and then into dollars. It is not enough to do more than cover hosting fees but I see potential and gradually I watch some of that move me further into the black.

Still I don’t see this blog becoming the engine that supports my family but it does lead to freelance writing gigs and full time work so in a way I can say it did support the family.

In between all these minutes and moments I sometimes write about finding a patron of the arts, someone who wants to give me a million dollars a year to blog as I wish because my writing is art.

It is a pipe dream but I tell my children that some dreams are left for night time and others have potential to be real and this one feels like it.

Yeah, I know it sounds silly and ridiculous but still I dream of some wealthy individual giving me my million because they can and because my writing makes them happen.

Patreon Happens

Tonight I heard about a company called Patreon that is trying to help match the artist and the benefactors. I probably shouldn’t be surprised that it exists because the concept makes sense.

I Am Not Going To Sign Up

I am not going to sign up for it. Not going to do it for no reason other than I want to chew on the idea for a while and think about it. I haven’t read their material and have a very limited understanding about how it works but part of me says to check it out because it wouldn’t hurt.

Part of me says stay away because there is fluff here and where is the value? But then I think about it and say why should I sell myself short. Why shouldn’t I do it and see if there are people who want to pay me.

Would I be upset or embarrassed if no one offered a dime or if they only offered enough to cover a burger and fries?

I don’t know.

Not sure that it is a reason to do it or not do it.

What I do know is I am starting to push the fiction again. Got so many stories inside my head and they need to come out. I need to just put them on paper/screen and see what happens.

Can’t tell my children to live their dreams and not dream their lives unless I am willing to do it now can I.