The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for November 2014

When Does Teasing Become Bullying?

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Blacksmith at Work - Colonial Williamsburg

Sometimes I think about taking my son to see a blacksmith so that we can have a hammer and mask made for him. I picture moments where I share something profound and insightful about how he can use the mask and hammer.

Sometimes it is information about how he can wear the mask to school and people will see how he has hidden his face and be overcome with shame for how they have treated him and others and sometimes it is because he’ll use the mask and hammer to fight for justice and fight for those who are too weak to fight for themselves.

But most of the time I wonder about what life is like in the 8th grade and ask myself if I am being the kind of father he needs me to be. Am I providing him with the tools and resources he needs to be successful now and in the future or am I falling down on the job.

When Does Teasing Become Bullying?

That is the question I spend the most time thinking about. There are children who are messing with him now.

Some of them are boys and some are girls.

Some of the things he tells me about the girls make it clear that one or more like him. I have explained to him that sometimes when you are 13 or 14 and you like a boy/girl you do stupid stuff.

You don’t know what do with yourself and aren’t sure how to behave so you do things. He is not so sure and is concerned about it.

I don’t tell him I am a little bit too but that is because I can’t see it so I have no way to measure other than from what he tells me. I have no way to determine if my read of the situation is accurate or if it is not.

When he tells me about the boys I find it much easier to make a call. One kid is being an unkind and I have no problem telling my son I agree with his read. I tell him the boy is being an insecure prick, a royal asshole.

He tells me some more and I ask about the boy’s name and discover he is the son of an asshole. His father has been an asshole to me as long as I have known him (42 years and counting) and a part of me just shakes my head.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

But none of this makes it clear to me whether we are dealing with simple teasing or if it has become bullying.

Bullying Is a Loaded Term

Bullying is a loaded term and one that I don’t take or use lightly.  One reason I don’t like it is because it feels like it creates a situation in which a person becomes a victim.

I am not raising victims. I am raising children who are learning how to take care of themselves. I am raising children who learn to deal with failure and adversity and who figure out how to advocate for themselves.

But that doesn’t negate their being children and that there are situations in which they need help.

My effort to teach them how to be responsible and accountable doesn’t mean they can’t find themselves in situations in which their parents aren’t needed or that we won’t step in and help them.

It is a slippery slope and confusing line to walk.

When I dealt with the father of the boy who is leading the attack there came a point in time at which I punched him in the throat. It was effective. It stopped some things from happening but it wasn’t a perfect solution.

The thing that really fixed things for me was my ability to walk up to someone, glare at them and tell them if they felt the need to prop themselves up by trying to make me feel badly I felt sorry for them.

When they recognized I meant it and didn’t care what they said they moved on and that ended things.

Words are a better solution here than fists and times are different.

Yet when my son asks me if anyone messes with me now I can tell him about moments where people have. I can talk about times where even as an adult I have felt like I am on the outside looking in.

But I also tell him that I don’t care and he recognizes it is true. There are a handful of people whose opinion about me matters and the rest I just don’t care about.

When he asks me how to get there I shrug my shoulders and tell him he will find his way. It is not the answer either of us want but it is honest.

Do I Wait and Watch Or Move In Now

His mother and I disagree about how good a handle he has on things. Neither of us are panicked about it but it hurts to see him hurt and the question remains, how do we figure out if the line has been crossed.

Do we insert ourselves and if so, do we reach out to the school or to parents?

I only know the name of the boy. My son thinks of him as being the ringleader. Maybe he is, maybe he is not.

If I email his parents and ask them to ask him to stop will they do so and will he listen? If they don’t or he doesn’t do I reach out to the school or I do I give a very large child $50 bucks and ask him to deliver a message.

I am kidding about the large child.

But I am not kidding about trying to figure out what lines exist here and what the most appropriate/effective response would be.

I hate bullies.

Are We Winners Or Losers?

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dylna
There ought to be a law that bans waking up before sunrise on the day after Halloween and if I ever run for political office I might make it a central part of my platform.

We roll out of bed in the darkness, listen to the sound of falling rain and wonder if the games will be cancelled.

Old men like myself have fond memories of playing in mud and rain with no fear of injuries but we are children of the 70s who played on the blacktop in the summer and went down metal slides on days when the temperature rose above 100.

Sometimes it really hurt to go down that slide but you didn’t cry or show pain because we were tough and we were ready to be stuntmen who jumped buses like Evel Knievel.

But those were different days when our parents could feed us whatever, finish three packs of cigarettes and a case of beer and drive us home. No one said a word or if they did we were oblivious to it.

Now you don’t tell the other parents if you took your kids to McDonalds because they’ll report you for child abuse. You don’t tell your children that their team sucks because you might hurt their self esteem crush them forever. And you do your best to remind the other moms and dads that your kid knew how to wipe their butt at 2 weeks and speak in full sentences at 5.

Are We Winners Or Losers?

Standing in the rain I look up and realize I cannot remember the last time I wore a sweatshirt and long pants because it was cold outside. Can’t remember the last time my face got wet because precipitation from the clouds was dropping down upon it nor can I recall the last time we won a game.

That is because we have only won one all season long and I had to leave early that day so I missed the celebration.

They say the most important thing is for our kids have fun. They tell us to focus on the positives and not talk about the negative. We are not supposed to spend time talking about losses because we don’t want to have a negative impact upon their self esteem.

We are supposed to focus upon all of the positive parts of team sports and to help these kids learn how to work together as a team.

I hate losing each week and am more irritated because the kids don’t seem to care enough to try a little bit harder. In the beginning they lost because their individual skills weren’t tremendous and their teamwork was suspect.

Every week since the beginning there has been marked improvement and now as the losses pile up I see the cause as a lack of will and that is hard for me.

Part of me says it doesn’t matter who wins or loses as long as they have fun but another piece says that is nonsense. You don’t have to win all the time but you really don’t need to lose all the time either.

There is a middle ground.

But I don’t hear the girls asking questions about why we keep losing nor do they seem to listen very well to suggestions for overcoming the deficiencies.

Coaches can only do so much to teach, motivate and inspire. We can’t play the game for them. We can’t teach them will or desire.

We look in the mirror and ask if the problem lies within us. We ask if there is a technique, tool or resource we should lose or incorporate. We ask ourselves how much of the blame should we assume.

Accountability is important.

Cloudy Skies

The hole in the sky doesn’t send forth rain for long and instead opts to send down rays of light. It is not warm enough to dry the earth beneath my feet but it is enough to silence the talk about canceling the games.

I listen to the parents and wonder if maybe the lackadaisical attitude comes from home.

A hundred feet away from me I see a guy I play ball with. Not long ago he asked me if I am crazy because I dove on the ground for the ball.

“It is just for fun. Why would you do that?”

The question has been asked before and the answer  is always the same, “because one day I won’t be able to do it anymore.”

I wonder if one of these kids will challenge the others. I wonder if one will ask if we are winners or losers or if they are content with what they have.

When the season ends we’ll all be able to say the kids improved their individual skills and made great strides playing together as a team. I wonder if they’ll care about their win/loss record.

Most of the time I just want to be able to see and say they had fun but sometimes I wish they would say they hate losing and give just a little bit more effort because the margin between winning the games they lost is that thin.