Won’t be long before I am to pack my bags and get moving again because the Traveling Jack show can’t stay grounded forever.
Can’t say how long it will be before the Shmata Queen returns as a regular and we move from the Shmata Queen tales to tells because the woman has much to say.
We don’t agree on everything but enough to keep it interesting.
Hell if she was asked about what we can talk about and was honest she would tell you we can go for weeks.
Doesn’t happen much anymore because life has gotten in the way but there is no telling when it might start again and how long it will go.
Kids will be out and there will be fewer distractions and the burning questions will be placed in a position in which it will be obvious if they aren’t answered.
We’ll have to make some decisions then as do many others.
The best part of it all is that “then” is so undefined. Could be a week, a year, a decade or a lifetime.
Going to head back to see my old man for the first time since his unveiling and it is weighing on me more than I like.
I think it is is because it is the first trip back that isn’t tied into going to visit while he was sick and we had the unknown of how long we had or because he was going into the hospice.
Beginning of a new chapter and I am torn between running towards it and staying away.
Won’t stay away because it is not in me. It is not how I was raised and it is not who I am.
But there is a piece of me that recognizes in a way it feels like he is dying again and I am in a new state of mourning.
The pain is visceral and I think it bothers me in part because it feels irrational. He died in 2018. I saw his body.
I took that time to say goodbye but here I am feeling a bit like it is happening again and this time I can’t look him in the eye and say anything.
This time I’ll sit at his grave and share the silence as we did so many times before knowing the only one to break it will be me.
I am mostly ok with it and not just because I have to be.
Kind of glad the kids won’t be with me because this time I just want to be his son and take that moment without looking out for them.
He won’t mind my saying that but if they were there he would expect other behavior and so would I.
This one is for me.