Automobile Repairs- Your Mechanic & You

Many years ago I remember telling the Shmata Queen about the similarities between cars and women. It was one of those obnoxious comparisons in which you suggest that both are expensive hobbies, but at least the car doesn’t talk back.

Some of you are probably waiting for the punch line where I tell you about how she literally punched me. Sorry to disappoint you, but The Shmata Queen was and is so madly in love with me that it was all she could do not to kiss me. Did I tell you that one of the many attributes she finds so very attractive is my enormous and incomparable humility..

Hee hee. I can’t stop laughing. When she reads this I am going to need to be certain to be extra wary, that woman carries an enormous black purse and let me assure you, it hurts to be belted with it.

Anyhoo, the joyous man that you all know as moi, Jack has a wry grin upon his face. You see my car decided to start smoking yesterday and sadly it wasn’t a good cigar. So off we went to see the wonderful wizard of auto repairs where we received a laundry list of items that needed to be attended to.

My dear beloved Honda is 9 years old and has 98,760 miles give or take a few on it. Up to now I haven’t had to do much other than change a few tires and a little brake work. But something told me that our relationship was going to change a bit this time around.

The damn radiator gave up on me. It is cracked. And because it can’t just be one thing to deal with there were a number of others that demand attention. So I reviewed the list and gave approval to hook up a direct line between my bank account and the mechanic.

And now I am sitting here watching the IV, kind of bittersweet to see all those dollars flowing through that clear plastic. I had such hopes and dreams for it all.

On a more serious note, I am very familiar with my mechanic. I have been taking my cars to him for years now and they have always treated me fairly which is why I still see them. That level of trust is very important. I know enough about cars to understand what is important and what isn’t.

That is not to say that you can’t B.S. me, but it is not going to be easy. And what I appreciate about these guys is that they haven’t ever tried to do so. They always give me a list of what is necessary and what is recommended.

Still, it hurts to have to drain my bank account like this. I don’t think that I have ever been able to buy a car on my terms. It always has come at a point in time when I couldn’t stomach pouring more cash into whatever vehicle I was dealing with at that time.

One of these days I’d like to change that. I’ll add that to my list. In the meantime I have to go find my helmet because I have this sneaking suspicion that I am in danger of getting bonked in the head. Hee hee, I can just hear her now. 😉

You Have Been Reported to The Parking Bureau

I have been driving for about 25 years now. During that time I have driven thousands of miles throughout the United States, Canada, Mexico and Israel. Countless hours of driving, not to mention those that I have logged as a passenger.

After all of that time behind the wheel I feel comfortable saying that I agree that society is changing and that courtesy is something that is apparently seen as being optional. Far too often the road is filled with people who do not signal, tailgate, make crazy lane changes and engage in all sorts of other driving buffoonery.

But what has really gotten my goat lately are those jackasses who think that the lines that denote parking spaces are optional, a suggestion of where they might park their car. I know, some of you mugs will claim that you were forced to park like that because of the way that other cars parked.

There is some truth to that. It only takes one car to set off a chain reaction of bad parking jobs. I’ll grant that occasionally it is a complete accident.

But not always. Sometimes the person does so intentionally, like the moron with the Texas plates who tried to protect their Mercedes by taking up two spaces. When I see that it reminds me that when I am king I am going to create The Ministry of Parking.

The Ministry of Parking or the Parking Bureau will punish these miscreants. There will be fines and all sorts of other nifty consequences. But since it is unlikely that I am going to made king any time soon I have a Plan B.

Plan B is to purchase a tow truck so that when you make it impossible for us to park we can take action. Take up two spaces and you’ll be towed. Park crookedly and you’ll be towed. Cut me off and you’ll be towed.

Kind of reminds me of a scene from Animal House. I’ll include the main selection, but the part I am referring to is Bluto reading off the list of retribution. One of my favorite sections of the movie.

D-Day: War’s over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
Bluto: Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: Germans?
Boon: Forget it, he’s rolling.
Bluto: And it ain’t over now. ‘Cause when the goin’ gets tough…
[thinks hard]
Bluto: the tough get goin’! Who’s with me? Let’s go!
[runs out, alone; then returns]
Bluto: What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re gonna let it be the worst. “Ooh, we’re afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble.” Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this. Wormer, he’s a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer…
Otter: Dead! Bluto’s right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.
Bluto: We’re just the guys to do it.
D-Day: Let’s do it.
Bluto: Let’s do it!

Sigh, I suppose that I’ll have to leave this all as a dream for now.