Just Write

“Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered–either by themselves or by others.”
– Autobiography of Mark Twain

I don’t quite know why I picked that particular quote other than it jumped out and asked me to use it. Or maybe it is because I am asking for my own inner genius to be discovered, not by Mensa but by millions of people who believe that they cannot live without my words. Consequently they will pay a reasonable sum to procure my prose for their own enjoyment.

Money isn’t the answer for everything but in regard to my current school dilemma it is most definitely the answer. That is because if money were no object I would send him back to the same school again. This is a far more painful process than I could have imagined and it makes me feel foolish.

Plan Ahead

I feel foolish because it seems like every year I agonize about where to send the kids to school. It makes me wonder why I just don’t beat myself over the head with a baseball bat. It is much faster and probably more effective than the mental mind fuck I put myself through.

When I look back and ask why I didn’t plan better I have to remind myself that I did. We bought a smaller house than the one we really wanted. It was because we figured we would live their for two years and leverage it into a bigger house in the neighborhood with the good public school. My oldest was ten months. It made sense, two years wasn’t that long and kindergarten was still off in the distance.

But life happened. Things happened.

I should have known better. I have seen firsthand how life can throw crap at you. I have been through earthquakes, riots and forest fires. I have buried friends. Some died from cancer and some got hit by cars. I have been to at least 40 funerals. I should have known better.

I couldn’t have known better. I couldn’t have predicted that things would go as they did. Couldn’t have predicted most of these things. Shouldn’t beat myself up about what I can’t control.

My Arch Enemy

If I am a superhero I am also a super villain. The man of steel carries his own Kryptonite. It is part of why I blog. I dig deep and search for the solutions to the situations that surround me.

More than a few of them are solved with relatively little fan fare but there are those that make me a bit crazier. I am a father. It is my job to be concerned.

I played two hours of basketball tonight. Two glorious hours of running up and down the court with friends. Scored 11 points in one game. Eleven points out of 15 total. Those points came because I have been practicing. Those points came because I have been putting time into improving my game.

I wish that my kids could have seen me. I wish they could have seen how all the time I put in paid off. I like teaching moments. I like being able to show them examples of cause and effect. When we talk about needing courage to live and how some things are a question of dignity  I want to provide real life examples.

Would You Read These Words

I have been pushing hard to try and get more readers to this blog and over to Words Left Unwritten. It is a story that I am writing that has been very well received. Quite a few people have said that they really like it and told me they can see it being turned into a book.

That has been the goal all along to turn it into a book. I feel pretty good about it but there are moments where I read my words and think it is not quite what I want and that it is not good enough. I lack perspective on it. Would love for more people to read it and share their thoughts.

I just deleted about 250 words that I didn’t like. They were missing the rhyme and reason that I require to hit my standard. Been listening to music for the last 35 minutes and have decided that I really should be a musician.

I should be the guy who carries a guitar and can play almost anything. I can picture myself as this mysterious stranger who plays in small coffee shops, bars and restaurants. You’d listen to me play blues, rock and love songs. You’d hear a soft sweet voice sing and then morph into something deeper, louder and more powerful.

Too bad I don’t have any talent for it. If I found a genie I’d ask for that to be one of my wishes. Oh and I’d ask for enough money to never have to worry about paying for school again.

This post is part of the Just Write Project. Click on this link and learn more about it.

Can’t stop listening to Johnny sing this song. Those lyrics stab me in the heart and remind me of things from the past. I hear the ghosts in my head rattling their chains and I wonder if I need to climb into the attic to confront them or if I need to just let them run their course.

Thing is that either way the echoes remain and for a time they occupy deep and dark places.

Dark doesn’t mean bad or scary, at least not in this instance. This time it just refers to something that I have pushed away and buried because I couldn’t or wouldn’t give it away. So it lurks upon the edges of my mind and I go about my daily affairs.

In between the moments I write quick blurbs and share fragments of them with whomever it is that reads these words.

I know what my heart says, but my head says don’t be a fool. Don’t write these things down because you sound crazy. Don’t open the door and don’t look back.

But you don’t become a writer unless you know how to dream. And the very best dreams come from the heart- source of passion, power and magic.

Much of my writing comes from the music I hear. Some of it are songs I hear in my head and some of them are songs that you can hear too. I have learned how to delve deep within my mind and how to rekindle the flames that once burned.

I know how to build a fire that roars and sometimes I dance around it. It is my own expression and one that I retain solely for my own use. I suppose that I would try to show and share it with you but I don’t know if you would get it so I just don’t.

Just stumbled onto that and am smiling broadly. Johnny and Joe are both gone but they both made music that moved me, so did Bob Marley. I wonder if one day my children will be as moved by them and others as I am.

Today we had parent/teacher conferences for the kids. I always expect them to go well. I always expect to hear good things because I have good kids but I also practice realistic parenting.

My children are amazing but they aren’t perfect. They fight and they get into trouble. I don’t discount the possibility that one day I might hear a report of problems in school and I refuse to be one of those parents who is in denial.

It is even more important to keep my eyes open now because there is more going on. I know that the current confusion won’t last and some of the craziness will subside soon but my perception of time is far different than theirs.

Are You On Pinterest?

Are you on Pinterest? I am and I use it daily. I am still shocked to say that I am there but I keep finding little things that stimulate thoughts and ideas.  I posted one picture of our old kitchen:

I was surprised by the feeling of loss I felt when I saw the picture. Maybe it is because I remember how hard we worked to build that sucker. Maybe it is because I did some of that work myself and now I don’t have it any more.

It was a great kitchen for us, but it won’t be the last. There will come a time when there will be another. Truth is that I want a bigger space with an island and maybe a breakfast nook.

Kitchens are important because they are the heart of the house but the spark of life that makes that heart pump is the people. Later on today I might have to blog about that experience again.

For now I am busy thinking about what I want from my writing and how to finish the monster project I have hanging over my head. I am thinking about what to do with my children and whether I can find time to take a nap.

Because that is part of my life sometimes it is Just Write.

Sometimes I think that the home office lends itself to “interesting conditions.”

I wrote the words below several years ago but they are applicable today.

My Brain Is Stuck in Neutral

It is approaching that time people refer to as late morning and my brain is stuck in neutral. Yes, you read that correctly the pea sized object that resides in the great melon that rests upon my shoulders is on, but operating in the neutral setting.

It is a silly way of saying that I am conscious of the giant list of things that must get done yet remain undone. The great lies before me. On a yellow writing pad that is placed in front of the computer monitor I see line item after line item of things that I have to work upon.

In fact as I stare at the pad a pen magically stands up and adds 5,987,087 more things to be done to the list. Somewhere in the distance I think that I can hear a little girl whispering “they’re back!“

Ok, none of that really happened but I wouldn’t be surprised if it did. The giant list is daunting in its size, overwhelming. Yea, overwhelming is the right word. That is why I am busy staring at it and not working. It is not like I haven’t been up and chipping away at it all for hours because I have. But I just don’t feel like I am making the sort of progress I want to achieve.

It reminds me a bit of the few times that I have gone cliff diving. When I walked up and just jumped I was fine. But if I made the mistake of looking down first I always found myself frozen in place, my mind racing with all sorts of thoughts.

“Hey stupid, this is an all stations alert from the legs. We have no interest in being broken into tiny little pieces. Someone slap some sense into the brain.”

“Yo legs, it is the hands. We have got your back. Take a look at this we are about to smack the brain silly.”

“Dear Legs and Hands, this is your brain. I command this ship and I order you to immediately cease and desist.”

If you haven’t had the pleasure of engaging in your own civil war let me encourage to try and avoid this. Aside from serving as potential blog fodder it is not the least bit interesting. And did I mention that it can be quite embarrassing.

In the age of YouTube you really don’t want to be the person that ends up on ten million blogs. Or maybe you do. Maybe there is a way to monetize it. If you can live with the humiliation you just might be able to turn it into something positive.

Say, did you notice how for the last two minutes I haven’t mentioned a word about the brain being stuck in neutral. That is one the finest plays in Jack’s playbook. It is a tried and true standard that is good for gaining yardage and eating up the clock. It is a give and go that I use to step beyond the thing that is holding me up.

In just a moment I’ll take a deep breath and look at the list again and try to identify three line items that I can take care of…quickly. Just need to feel like I am making a bit of progress. Just need to feel like I am not walking in quicksand. Small steps that lead to a giant victory.

Aww…Who am I fooling. Someone get me a giant cup of coffee and get out of the way. As my pal Ben Grimm would say, “It is clobbering time!”

And we are back in the present. I have been battling a funk for most of the day and it has been one hell of a battle. I have a writing assignment that is due and I am frustrated.

I am a writer. Every day I work with words and create content that tells a story. Some of my pieces are more compelling than others but that is ok with me because I don’t need to hit a home run every time at bat. All I need to do is get on base.

That is my attempt to use baseball to express my belief that everything I write should be considered “good.” Notice I didn’t say good enough. I want better than that. It would be wonderful if everything were “great” but that isn’t always going to happen.

Some days you just don’t have it like you do on other days.

I have had some strange experiences lately that have made me wonder if I don’t have as good a grasp upon people as I had thought. Some reactions to things they said or I have said have made me scrunch up my eyes and think “WTF.”

I want to say that it is them. I want to say that it is not me, but them. They are responsible. They went one direction and then suddenly veered in a different one.

But it takes two and it is possible that it is me. Maybe it is because I am standing on the outside looking in or maybe it is not. I have a lot more to say but no time to say it right now.

I’ll be back later to post again. That might be the post where I talk about the myth of blog frequency. You know, the one that “experts” use to say that you can’t update multiple times a day because it is “bad.”

In the interim read this and don’t forget to check out the rest of the participants in the Just Write Project.

 

“You can’t reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.”
- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court

This is the second time that I have used the quote above but I can’t help myself.  Life is a consistent balance of heart versus head with a mixture of gut checks that I go through daily.

The video has appeared here before too but I am using it again because it fits my mood and sometimes that is how I want to write. I want to tap into that place deep inside where I love and laugh. I want to hit the spot next to it where I store all of my pain too. I am an explorer who isn’t afraid to shine a lot on those darker places inside my head.

I have a love/hate relationship with videos on the blog. I love them because they help me illustrate the picture that I am trying to paint for you. They help me show you what I see and feel what I feel, but sometimes they get pulled down and I end up with a big hole in my post.

It is like reading a great article in a magazine or newspaper only to discover that someone has cut out a coupon or ad and instead of finishing that story that caught your eye you come to a crashing halt. Sometimes I try to do that in my posts and my stories.

Sometimes I try to pull the bottom out from under you. Sometimes I try to make you feel like you hit the wall but that is because it fits with that story I see inside my head.

Life is a series of moments in time that we all experience but some of us see and experience it differently. A dear friend of mine once asked me to explain jealousy to her. I didn’t know how to do it other than to say that I see images in my head.

I told her that when people tell me what they did the day before or on vacation I always see an image of them doing whatever it is they said they did. Maybe that is how everyone sees things, I don’t know. I just know what I see in my own head.

But I also know that when a particular person told me about her ex boyfriend and some of their exploits I pictured that too. And since I had intimate knowledge it made it easier for me to picture that particular “party” and I didn’t want to. It is a double edged sword, this graphic imagination of mine. I am not kidding around about what I see not to mention that I can hear it too.

I wouldn’t give it up, this imagination of mine. I’ll take the good and the bad- not just because I don’t know anything different. I’ll take it because I believe that it helps me to live a very rich life. I may have moments where I endure more irritation but there is far more good than bad.

Imagination is what keeps me going when things are rough. Imagination is what motivates and moves me to do things when things are good. I like being able to dream. Ok, maybe I don’t know anything different, but that is ok. I like being me.

That is something that I want for my children. I want them to grow up and say “I like me.” Many people don’t like themselves and some like themselves too much but life is about balance.

Head and heart, heart and head. It makes me think of what my friend Craig wrote about today. Are you pursuing your passion? That is a question that is worth asking and answering. I am pursuing my passion in multiple areas. I link to my story often because it helps me remain accountable to me. I watch this video because it speaks to me.

Speaking of videos I stumbled onto this one again and found myself lost in thought. Maybe it is because it is tied into a dream that didn’t happen.

Some times I close my eyes and see myself walking down cobblestones in the Old City. I hear the sounds of the city around me and remember what it was like to walk the walls. Sometimes I close my eyes and wonder what life would have been like. I talk to friends and family who made the move and remember that piece of me that I left behind.

But life is about choices, challenges and the decisions we make. It is ok to wander among the sentimental sounds of what was but only as long as you know the way back to the present.

It reminds me of my grandfathers. My paternal grandfather buried two wives and my maternal one. I am convinced that had the women in their lives lived longer they would have too. That is not to suggest that either one had a life that was cut short. Both of them lived well past 90.

That is also why I feel like I still have lots of time left to live and experience those moments in time that I yearn for. It doesn’t mean that I won’t work for them but it does mean that if I do work there is time to see them turn from fiction to fact.

This post is part of the Just Write project. It is a free writing exercise that I participate in each week. Check it out.