Guilt

This is the post that I have been guilted into writing. Not by the administrators of The Write on Project but by the crazy man who lives inside my head. You know, the one that hears whispers of doubt and darkness. He has been pushing and poking me to follow through on a million different promises made to myself and to others. Promises made to others usually supersede the promises made to myself. It is easy to make excuses for not following through on those. I do a little dance in the darkness and swear that I’ll get around to it.

I convince myself that the good intentions gone wrong are not worthy of recognition and that the guilt is unnecessary, a burden best left behind. But some things are easier said than done and I find myself carrying a load that isn’t worth the worry or work. Or so I tell myself and then I look in the mirror and think in silence that it is one thing to fool others and another to fool ourselves.

So I carry the failures of the past and do my best to learn from them. I work hard to accept that some things are outside of my control and that I must relax and be patient. It is not easy and sometimes I feel bitter. There are silent screams that are left untended to. They lay in a garden gone fallow where insecurity and doubt are allowed to fester. Untapped potential is no different than unfulfilled potential. Life lived as what could have been is no better than what might never have happened.

Doubt and distrust lead to disorder. The dun and the din are as restless as the yin and the yang. Meaningless gibberish surrounded by the cling and the clang of the bell that reminds me that I can never recapture the time that has been lost.

There are two choices to be had, do or do not. Yoda was right and so I am filled with more guilt by what I haven’t done than satisfaction with what I have. The time of doubt and uncertainty is at hand and the choice is given to me. Let guilt win or fight back. So I choose to fight because that is what I do best. I fight and hope that one day the battle will end and I will be satisfied with what is and not focused on what was. Guilt doesn’t have to rule the day or a life.

This originally appeared on The Write On Project.