The Radical Honesty of a Life I Don’t Love
The radical honesty about a life I don’t love is simple. I am not happy with the position and places I find myself in. It is not easy to write those words. Who wants to say that they are unhappy. I don’t. I don’t always like the guy that I see in the mirror. Some of it is because I am very hard on myself. The standards that I set are not being met. And when I look back through the words and writings that I have shared here I see a trail of destruction.
You won’t see it. You can’t see it the way that I can. You don’t know the heartbreak and frustration. You might hear echoes of my anger and taste some of the bittersweet moments that pepper these posts, but you don’t know. That is not an indictment or criticism of you. What happens behind closed doors isn’t always apparent nor are we gifted with the ability to read the mind of another. I am ok with that. It doesn’t bother me because I don’t expect to be rescued by any of you.
The person who is responsible for that is me. My strengths and shortcomings and the will to change are what I have to rely upon. I write about being a dreamer. I share quotes with you that resonate with me. Some of that is for you and some of it is for me. If you want to see a good sample take a look at Writing Tools. For good measure here are a few more to share:
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach – Elizabeth Barrett Browning
“If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way.”Bertrand Russell
“Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
”You can’t reach old age by another man’s road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you.” Mark Twain
”And maybe one day we’ll find that quiet moment again and you’ll see that I never stopped Dancing In The Fire.”
I blog about my fear of failure because experience has taught me that I gain strength from acknowledging my fears. I blog because as I have written numerous times it helps me to hold myself accountable. Not to you, not to family or anyone else but..me. Because when the lights go out and I close my eyes the only one that can see the truth is me. And in that truth I find the bits and pieces of what I was, what I am and hints of what I will be. The challenge is to take those pieces and hints and mold them so that I become who I want to be
Although I may not love my life it is not indicative of despair or dismay. It is a simple acknowledgment that changes are necessary. It is affirmation that if I want more I am obligated to make it happen. The responsibility lies upon my shoulders and I gladly accept it. Gladly because it feels good to know that I can adjust and refocus. It makes me happy because though some of the bigger issues come from things outside of my control there are still big moves that can be made to adjust and account for those things.
Because when I look through these posts I see another theme that is not focused upon doom and gloom. I see signs and evidence of progress and that is something to be celebrated. Change is coming and I look forward to it.