The Radical Honesty of a Life I Don’t Love

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The radical honesty about a life I don’t love is simple. I am not happy with the position and places I find myself in.  It is not easy to write those words. Who wants to say that they are unhappy. I don’t. I don’t always like the guy that I see in the mirror. Some of it is because I am very hard on myself. The standards that I set are not being met. And when I look back through the words and writings that I have shared here I see a trail of destruction.

You won’t see it. You can’t see it the way that I can. You don’t know the heartbreak and frustration. You might hear echoes of my anger and taste some of the bittersweet moments that pepper these posts, but you don’t know. That is not an indictment or criticism of you. What happens behind closed doors isn’t always apparent nor are we gifted with the ability to read the mind of another. I am ok with that. It doesn’t bother me because I don’t expect to be rescued by any of you.

The person who is responsible for that is me. My strengths and shortcomings and the will to change are what I have to rely upon. I write about being a dreamer. I share quotes with you that resonate with me. Some of that is for you and some of it is for me. If you want to see a good sample take a look at Writing Tools. For good measure here are a few more to share:

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach – Elizabeth Barrett Browning

“If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way.”Bertrand Russell

“Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

‎”You can’t reach old age by another man’s road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you.” Mark Twain

‎”And maybe one day we’ll find that quiet moment again and you’ll see that I never stopped Dancing In The Fire.”

I  blog about my fear of failure because experience has taught me that I gain strength from acknowledging my fears. I blog because as I have written numerous times it helps me to hold myself accountable. Not to you, not to family or anyone else but..me. Because when the lights go out and I close my eyes the only one that can see the truth is me. And in that truth I find the bits and pieces of what I was, what I am and hints of what I will be. The challenge is to take those pieces and hints and mold them so that I become who I want to be

Although I may not love my life it is not indicative of despair or dismay. It is a simple acknowledgment that changes are necessary. It is affirmation that if I want more I am obligated to make it happen. The responsibility lies upon my shoulders and I gladly accept it. Gladly because it feels good to know that I can adjust and refocus. It makes me happy because though some of the bigger issues come from things outside of my control there are still big moves that can be made to adjust and account for those things.

Because when I look through these posts I see another theme that is not focused upon doom and gloom. I see signs and evidence of progress and that is something to be celebrated. Change is coming and I look forward to it.

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8 Comments

  1. Heather Kephart February 5, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    You may not love your current life Jack, but it sure does love you. 🙂

  2. San Diego Momma February 5, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    I have similar struggles/onuses (possibly not a word). I think that is why I come here so much. I get you. (Do you consider that a good or a bad thing????)

    • Jack February 5, 2011 at 10:00 pm

      I think that one of the reasons we blog is because it provides a place to encounter others who are fighting/experiencing/enjoying similar things to us. It is cathartic and a window to the world that wouldn’t otherwise be opened.

  3. ChopperPapa February 5, 2011 at 7:11 am

    Honest assessments of our life are indicative of our maturity and transparency. LIfe is interesting in that it is full of ups and downs, open doors and closed doors. Often its our fears that keep us from walking through them. Many times in my life has fear kept me from walking through them. I have also discovered that what I fear the most I often bring into my life. It follows the understanding that what ‘I think about I bring about”. Realizing where you are at is the hardest part of the journey.

    All the best!

    • Jack February 5, 2011 at 10:07 am

      I have also discovered that what I fear the most I often bring into my life. It follows the understanding that what ‘I think about I bring about”.

      I have wrestled with that many times but not in what I would call real world application. It has been more along the lines of wondering if my attitude had an impact upon whatever it was that I was doing. Ultimately I decided that it didn’t matter whether it had a real effect but what did was not festering in negativity.

      So that is what I try to do, just be positive.

  4. 30ish Mama February 4, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    That certainly does sound honest, and brave for you to discuss it publicly. Most people like to hide behind a facade and some never move beyond it. My husband and I were just talking about this the other day, evaluating where we are in life and estimating how far it is from where we want to be. I think we all need to pause, reflect and reorganize from time to time because “the unexamined life is not worth living” (Socrates).

    P.S. I love the Walter Mitty reference on your About page!

    • Jack February 4, 2011 at 11:12 pm

      Well, at the moment my life is what it is. There are many good things, great things really that are part of it. But there are things that just cannot continue and stuff that needs to be changed. I can’t sit back and hope that it changes nor can I pretend that it doesn’t need to change.

      So, the onus is on me to make it happen.

      Walter Mitty holds some special meaning to me so…

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