The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Life

A Long Awaited Update

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You might wonder if I have been involved in a long journey through Iceland with the Shmata Queen to see the Northern Lights and the answer is not this time, though it may happen.

I have done some preliminary research albeit not much and our dear lady hasn’t discussed any of that with me or read the prior post yet.

Hell, I am surprised at how much I have accomplished this year and how much may yet come to be.

Got three new cars which is something I have never done before nor attempted for multiple reasons not just financial but because of need too.

Yet in the aftermath to the crazy that was 2020 there came an unexpected and unplanned need for three vehicles and I figured out how to pull that off without losing my shirt.

I feel good about it and grateful because time was this would have seemed impossible so if there is a lesson here it is to never give up, never surrender.

Yeah, I pulled the prior line from a movie but make no apologies because it works.


On That Road To Somewhere

So I am on the road to somewhere which is something all of us can always say but in this case it feels particularly different.

Maybe it is because even though I haven’t roped the moon I have hooked my car to a comet and I am holding on for dear life because I am going to ride this through whatever comes.

I am almost ready to say I have definitely got this but just superstitious enough to know that could jinx it so instead I’ll say I feel pretty good about it.

Can’t spend too much time thinking because most of this is based upon minute adjustments and moved based upon instinct not heavy analysis.

Don’t want to look down and see how close I am to the edge or how near the finish. Just going to keep going until I reach a level plane again and see what life looks like then.

Fear Of The Unknown

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They say part of how you master your fear is to name and identify it and this will cause it to lose some power.

Well I named my fear Go Fuck Yourself and am not sure if it took the edge off of GFY because it still feels pretty damn real to me.

Not surprised to say it because I can’t self-diagnose this with the sort of accuracy I would like to and given I am not seeing the doc for a couple of weeks I’ll have to live with the discomfort of not knowing.

Cuz what is going on with me may be normal and something that is easily treated but it also might not be that. Might be bigger and more complex and that uncertainty is what is eating away at me.

Been pretty good at managing it all for quite some time now but the time to do that is past which is why I am going to see the doc.

Better to find out what I am really dealing with and take away the power of the mystery, take away the fear of the unknown.

It might be horrible and it might be nothing but bad news but then again it might not be anything close to that extreme.

Could fall between the polarities and the nagging sense of what if won’t be something that wakes me up because I’ll know.

Dragged my feet long enough and now I am going to get answers.

Kind of funny to think about how I would have told people not to do what I have been doing and that it is better to suck it up and get answers than to bury their head in the sand.

Call it do as I say and not as I do.

Anyhoo, I am taking action so we’ll find out if the fear of the unknown deserves the credit I have given it or if I can evict it from my head.

Time will tell.

Still Dancing

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Still dancing in that fire and maybe the truth is I always have and the exception is when I haven’t been. Could be wrong, but it feels more right to me.

Maybe SQ knows, there is insight there no one else has for reasons no one needs to question because some things need to be accepted.

What happens in this life isn’t always based upon logic or reason and that becomes more evident to me each passing day.

Got a mix of melancholy and happiness with more emphasis on the latter than the former.

I suspect it is because I feel the end of one thing and the start of something new. Transitions are hard sometimes, but they are necessary.

And they aren’t necessarily bad things.

Heck, many times they are the good things, the harbinger of the better times.

Might seem strange to say it, but it works for me and that is good enough.

I feel the change coming and recognize the baby I thought I would see you one more time isn’t fire and rain but anticipation of a new spring.

Winter In Texas

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Been a crazy time in which we got one of those twenty-year storms here in Texas in which the temperature plummeted and the snow fell in large amounts.

It wasn’t the kind of snowfall that would make Northerners notice or most midwesterners cry but only if it fell in their cities.

Because it was bad here…very bad.

The cities aren’t prepared to deal with snow and the bad drivers are made worse in times of ice and slick roads.

We can blame the state government for bad policies and probably put some blame upon city and local authorities too, but the bulk falls with Austin.

Damn near had to go rescue the Shmata Queen and others because of power and or water issues.

It wasn’t just that it was in the teens outside, but that it was exceptionally cold inside homes that had no heat.

Homes that were wrecked or severely damaged by water from broken pipes.

Who knows if it turns into a $500 million or $2 billion in insurance claim nightmare.

It was bad and it didn’t have to be.

Changes Upon Changes

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Been listening to this song on and off throughout the day. Can’t tell you why I started but once I did a couple sections hit me and I was sucked in.

Haven’t had time to start looking at the redesign of this joint, but did play around with asking SQ about it.

Already hit her with some other questions that might be making her eyes roll, knees weak and her head explode so might let it go cuz those other questions might lead to the positive or negative sides of the physical descriptions above.

And truth is I really need to think about what I am trying to achieve here and that will lead to the path I choose to go down or so I think.

It is a particularly strange time so I am giving myself room to move around a bit, the final days of 2020 require it.

Can I Give You A Ride

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Some of you will interpret the headline in a way that I didn’t intend for you to but I can’t worry about that. Can’t put time into whether you follow this as I want or hope you to because I can’t control a damn thing.

Or should I say I can’t control your understanding/interpretation of what I say or don’t say.

There are the few who don’t require much to follow the crumbs I lay upon the floor or to see them as rose petals, but very few.

And even those few will misunderstand and misinterpret some of it, maybe all of it. I am certain some will do so intentionally because it is easier to manage some things like that.

Easier to create excuses and reasons not to go beyond a certain place than to open those doors. I know, I have done it.


Fuck Me

Now there is an expression that is hard to decipher without context. Is it said in exasperation or seductively?

Might be somewhere in between or something different altogether.

Been looking at the theme for this joint and wondering if it is helping to tell the stories I tell or if it is making it harder.

Haven’t decided yet, but eventually, I will.

Been distracted because I haven’t felt right physically in a long time. I am not quite wrong, but I am not quite right either.

Can’t decide if it is stress, age or illness. Hell, it could be all three.

I go through periods where I feel like I am almost back and the body does as I expect and then something happens.

Sometimes it is something that blows up all that I think I have accomplished and sometimes it is a variation. Irks me more than I can say.

Used to be so damn strong in every way and now it comes and goes in a way that throws me and makes me wonder what I need to do to adjust because it can’t be like this forever.

Can’t be like this for the next hundred years, maybe I am just not disciplined enough about exercise and diet or maybe it is something else.

Maybe it is vanity, maybe it is sanity-I’ll figure it out and then I’ll have to make some choices and decisions.

This part scares me more than I let on, but don’t expect me to say that in person.

Why?

Because force of will carries me past every obstacle, always has and I expect it to again. I’ll figure it out or I’ll be sad and disappointed.

Can’t have that, not about the few things I can control so I suppose I’ll figure it out.

Life is hard, but in many ways it is better than it has been in a decade or so…

That is pretty cool.