Life

Been a crazy time in which we got one of those twenty-year storms here in Texas in which the temperature plummeted and the snow fell in large amounts.

It wasn’t the kind of snowfall that would make Northerners notice or most midwesterners cry but only if it fell in their cities.

Because it was bad here…very bad.

The cities aren’t prepared to deal with snow and the bad drivers are made worse in times of ice and slick roads.

We can blame the state government for bad policies and probably put some blame upon city and local authorities too, but the bulk falls with Austin.

Damn near had to go rescue the Shmata Queen and others because of power and or water issues.

It wasn’t just that it was in the teens outside, but that it was exceptionally cold inside homes that had no heat.

Homes that were wrecked or severely damaged by water from broken pipes.

Who knows if it turns into a $500 million or $2 billion in insurance claim nightmare.

It was bad and it didn’t have to be.

Been listening to this song on and off throughout the day. Can’t tell you why I started but once I did a couple sections hit me and I was sucked in.

Haven’t had time to start looking at the redesign of this joint, but did play around with asking SQ about it.

Already hit her with some other questions that might be making her eyes roll, knees weak and her head explode so might let it go cuz those other questions might lead to the positive or negative sides of the physical descriptions above.

And truth is I really need to think about what I am trying to achieve here and that will lead to the path I choose to go down or so I think.

It is a particularly strange time so I am giving myself room to move around a bit, the final days of 2020 require it.

Some of you will interpret the headline in a way that I didn’t intend for you to but I can’t worry about that. Can’t put time into whether you follow this as I want or hope you to because I can’t control a damn thing.

Or should I say I can’t control your understanding/interpretation of what I say or don’t say.

There are the few who don’t require much to follow the crumbs I lay upon the floor or to see them as rose petals, but very few.

And even those few will misunderstand and misinterpret some of it, maybe all of it. I am certain some will do so intentionally because it is easier to manage some things like that.

Easier to create excuses and reasons not to go beyond a certain place than to open those doors. I know, I have done it.

Fuck Me

Now there is an expression that is hard to decipher without context. Is it said in exasperation or seductively?

Might be somewhere in between or something different altogether.

Been looking at the theme for this joint and wondering if it is helping to tell the stories I tell or if it is making it harder.

Haven’t decided yet, but eventually, I will.

Been distracted because I haven’t felt right physically in a long time. I am not quite wrong, but I am not quite right either.

Can’t decide if it is stress, age or illness. Hell, it could be all three.

I go through periods where I feel like I am almost back and the body does as I expect and then something happens.

Sometimes it is something that blows up all that I think I have accomplished and sometimes it is a variation. Irks me more than I can say.

Used to be so damn strong in every way and now it comes and goes in a way that throws me and makes me wonder what I need to do to adjust because it can’t be like this forever.

Can’t be like this for the next hundred years, maybe I am just not disciplined enough about exercise and diet or maybe it is something else.

Maybe it is vanity, maybe it is sanity-I’ll figure it out and then I’ll have to make some choices and decisions.

This part scares me more than I let on, but don’t expect me to say that in person.

Why?

Because force of will carries me past every obstacle, always has and I expect it to again. I’ll figure it out or I’ll be sad and disappointed.

Can’t have that, not about the few things I can control so I suppose I’ll figure it out.

Life is hard, but in many ways it is better than it has been in a decade or so…

That is pretty cool.

Sort of felt like I went out on a limb a little bit when I wrote this post but that isn’t the coincidence.

Nah, that came from seeing someone get involved with this post on Medium that I also shared here.

Can’t get into it all right now and I won’t but damn if something didn’t explode inside my head, so very strange, not necessarily a bad thing, probably very good but unexpected.

And now I have this crazy sense of something coming and am so very curious.

Someone asked me to describe what is happening at this moment and I said ‘It hurts.’

They asked for more and I shrugged my shoulders because I was unwilling to let it out. Very few want to hear it and fewer still are capable of helping.

This is one of those moments where there is only one path and that is forward. Until I get through it I have to live with the pain.

Not to be a tough guy but because there are no other options and no one else can take it on.

I would let it go if I could, but that is not an option so for a while I have to gut it out and if it means sometimes I scream or howl, well that is what I will do.

It will pass.

Life is filled with surprises, not all are good and not all are bad.

The moment when the person you call ‘boss’ comes down on you without provocation and with weak excuses for their bad behavior is both disturbing and unexpected.

Unexpected because there was a moment when you were the greatest in the office and they sung your praises.

And then disturbing in a way that made you have to pop out your AirPods so you could take a phone call.

Which is to say it was so unbelievable you wanted to make sure you heard it with your own ears.

I damn near called that girl afterwards to tell her, but she went silent the other day so I wasn’t sure if she was busy or needed space.

Had I been certain I had to get her counsel I would have reached out immediately but I wasn’t certain and I was angry.

Slightly irked with her because one likes to have one’s air but more pissed off with the situation in general.

Because that call made my eyes bug out a little bit.

Is he nuts?

The answer is damn straight.

Just Breathe

PTSD from past events made my heart pound a little bit as I wondered where this was going and then I decided I am going to control it.

Not really sure how, but the plan is to do just that, somehow control it.

Somehow turn weakness into strength and make like Archimedes and his lever.

I think I know where that lever is and how to use it, but it is going to take some doing and it is going to take some balls.

Going to take some deep breaths to master the moment and then we are going to see what we can do to make this moment be nothing more than a short blip.

And wouldn’t that be quite the trick and worthy of a blog post or two about that moment.

Stay tuned.