The Fire & The Fury

“No one knows what it’s like to be the bad man
To be the sad man behind blue eyes
No one knows what it’s like
To be hated, to be fated to telling only lies

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free”

Behind Blue Eyes- The Who
Dear June,

It is the middle of the summer and I can’t decide if I am falling and or failing. A thousand years ago in the time that once was I told you that I wander among the storms and ride the tornado. I stand in front of the hurricane searching for the eye of the storm and wonder how it is that I haven’t been blown away. Can’t say if it is force of will, stupidity or dumb luck but somehow I find my way. Though I am battered and bruised I continue to work to master it all and earn the title of lightning lord.

It is goofy and melodramatic, but that is me. That fire in my belly burns ever so brightly and no matter what happen it never….burns out. Sometimes I wonder if this is some sort of punishment for things that once happened. Sometimes I wonder if I am forced into this indentured servitude to the cruelest of masters because it is penance for my sins.

I climb the mountains that have been placed before me because I have no choice. I cannot stay where I am. John Henry beat the machine but he died with his hammer in his hand. That is not the sort of glory I seek nor do I believe it to be something that will be granted nor given to me. There is no more safety nor sustenance to be found here so I must climb.

“No one knows what it’s like
To feel these feelings like I do and I blame you!
No one bites back as hard on their anger
None of my pain and woe can show through

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours only lonely
My love is vengeance, that’s never free”

There are so many tales to be told and things to be shared but you aren’t here so I have secured them in our secret garden. They wander through the verdant fields and dance on the hillsides of the places we once roamed.  Protected by the guardians I no longer give them thought and I focus upon that which lies before me.

Clearly the biggest challenge that has ever presented itself stands before me. I have spent more than a few hours studying it and hope that my research presents opportunity and I can prepare a plan of attack. But I feel the fire and the fury coming from within. The demons that hide in the darkness have broken their chains and it won’t be long before they make their way to the surface. I hear them laughing and sense their joy. Freedom calls and they shall answer.

“When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

And If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
And If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat”

My arms and legs are covered in scrapes and bruises. Though I make good time the mountain refuses to let me go without paying a price. We continue to fight over the toll it wishes to take. There is joy in the simplicity of the battle and I take pleasure in the simplicity of choices that are presented.  I am confident that I will prevail and that I will find my way to the other side. The sole question is what will I find when I reach it.

“No one knows what it’s like to be the bad man
To be the sad man behind blue eyes“

• Saved: Fragments of Fiction