The Definitive Guide To Being a Dad Blogger

Read, Write at Coco Momo

They say that if you ask you shall receive and I have certainly seen that happen to me. An unnamed publisher is paying me a very handsome sum to write The Definitive Guide To Being A Dad Blogger.  If you ask me what I am happiest about I would tell you that it is a handsome sum of money and not something ugly and meaningless.

Or maybe the thing that makes me happiest is that I get to write the Definitive guide and not some cheap unauthorized knock off.  Hell yeah, Jack doesn’t roll with imitation Kate Spade bags or fake Rolex watches. I am so damn cool and suave that the Three card Monty scam artists won’t let me play because I always take their money. Not only that, but the valets pay me to park my car.

How do you like them apples.

Damn if I haven’t gone off on a tear again. I am taking the blogosphere by storm punching out high quality posts that are stamped Grade A. If these were steaks you would call them Kobe and pay exorbitant sums to eat my meat. But I am all helping the common man and woman which is why I provide these words free of charge.

How exciting. How novel. How different.

Some of you are probably wondering how I was discovered and what kind of mojo must reside in my pants pocket. Well I have to tell you that you can’t buy the sort of mojo I have and it is not because I swing to the right, left or center. It is because I am a proud American who has pulled himself up by his bootstraps and created an empire out of a mound of cyber dirt.

My kids walk tall at school and tell all their friends that I am a blogger and then they just smile. Fortunately their old enough to pronounce the word because there was a time when they said that I was a booger and that creates an entirely different sort of image than blogger.

I have so much street cred at that school that the mean mom mafia hides from me. No teacher, parent or student dare cross me because I am armed with a laptop, internet connection and fingers of fury. From my post at the coffee shop I can heap copious amounts of scorn down upon their deserving hides.

Sadly the fine folks at Maybach haven’t figured out how important I am. They don’t take my calls or return my letters and consequently you folks won’t get to read the review of my week driving a Maybach. But I see that as a good opportunity for the other automotive companies to step in.

Drop me a line and we can talk about how this mighty keyword stuffing, SEO hating, semi anonymous dad blogger can take your car for a spin and then write an amazing review that will make people want to buy your vehicle for their own magical mystery tour.  Come correct and do the right thing so that I can do the write thing. Together we can create a Revolution that won’t go Helter Skelter.

Stay tuned to this bat channel my friends and watch as I work my magic. Witness and wonder the majesty of my blogging might which I of course take ever so seriously.

Linkbait, it is whats for dinner.

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28 Comments

  1. Vincent January 12, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    Jack, you are living the dream. There’s just defense against your Blogger Fu. Hii-yah Brand X! They never saw you coming. The legend continues.

  2. therapydoc June 28, 2012 at 6:14 am

    And don’t forget to tell them, you wear a black hat. Metaphorically, of course.

  3. Angel Collins December 15, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    haha. i think you really are an expert in blogging. even if you already have kids you still manage to write blogs. nice post!. XD

  4. Jack December 11, 2011 at 10:20 am

    The 12 days of creepiest blogs? Sounds interesting.

  5. Nora Peevy December 11, 2011 at 9:42 am

    A little late, but hopping for Write on Edge This weekend. Better late than never!

    I’m participating in The 12 Days of Creepfest Blog Tour with free book giveaways of my own writing and possibly a few other authors. Still working out the details. Pop on by!

    Love your blog foot photo. Hehe

    -Nora
    http://norabpeevy.blogspot.com/2011/12/im-part-of-12-days-of-creepfest-blog.html

  6. TheJackB December 10, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    @Inside_out_Tomz Thank you! I am gad that you liked it.

  7. TheJackB December 10, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    @Inside_out_Tomz Thank you! I am gad that you liked it.

  8. Tomekha December 10, 2011 at 7:29 am

    LMAO!!!!!!!! LOOOOOOOVE THIS POST YOU ARE AWESOME!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!

  9. Kelly December 10, 2011 at 6:54 am

    Congratulations on the handsome sum of money AND on your promotion from booger to blogger!

  10. BloggerFather December 9, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    I’m currently writing The Definitive Guide to Dad-Blog Comment Writing!

  11. Bruce Sallan December 9, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    Way to go, JB! Congrats. When are you taking me out for lunch and/or drinks on that big advance?

  12. Hajra December 9, 2011 at 9:43 am

    I want to be Jack when I grow up! Yipppeee for you and pat on the back for standing up for what you really desire! 🙂

  13. Dina December 8, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    I love it! All you have to do is will it to happen and it will. I am already clicking my heels and repeating “I will be a celebrated writer.”

  14. Mimi Meredith December 8, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Ah Jack…I want to be like you when I grow up. Well, I’d just settle for the kind of credibility that keeps the mean mom mafia at bay!

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