I Need More Time
A number of years ago my best friend and I had one of many long talks about what happens after you die. We disagreed about whether there is “life after death” or if you just end up rotting in a box.
We never did agree who was right and I am ok with that because she knows she is wrong. Hee hee, she hates when I do that.
The reality is that neither one of us could successfully prove who was right and who was wrong and that is ok with me. What I can say for certain is that we both would like to believe that something exists afterwards. But unless she has been holding out on me neither one of us has been given the sort of incontrovertible proof that we want.
So that leaves us in a position where we have to choose between faith in what we can’t see/touch/feel with certainty.
I have had some strange experiences where I could swear that someone who had died was with me. I have had dreams in which my grandfather and D appeared. We talked about all sorts of stuff and when I woke up I could swear that they had really been there. Could swear that they had told me something important but I couldn’t quite remember what it was.
I can’t say for certain if that isn’t/wasn’t my mind playing tricks on me. Maybe I saw/heard what I wanted and maybe I didn’t. There are other stories. There are things that have happened during the day that make me wonder.
What I am confident of is knowing that as long as I carry them with me in my heart they aren’t completely gone. I know that sounds hokey, but it works for me.
But What About That Time Thing
This is something that I intend to write about in more detail later, but for now I can provide a short explanation. I have very few regrets but the few that I do have are enormous. I know that technically I can’t go back and do those things over but I want to. And if I can’t go back, well I have to figure out how to make them right in a different way.
The second component to this is that I want more time to do chase after my dreams and turn them into reality. Sometimes it feels like I have a palm filled with water and I am trying to hold still because every time I move I lose a few drops.
I can’t hold on tighter because instead of securing my grip it would only make the water run out from between my fingers that much faster.
How can I become an expert in all of the fields that I find interesting. How can I do more than be a simple tourist in all the countries that I want to visit and or see again. How can I learn to speak all of the languages I want to speak.
You’ll notice that I didn’t put question marks next to any of those questions. I didn’t because I can’t guarantee that I will have enough time to chase after such broad statements. Given the chance I would do so much but I have so little time to focus.
Focus. Sometimes I hate that word but it is what I have to do. That is not to say that I have no focus because I do. I am focused on chasing down certain dreams already but I need to tweak some of those some more. I need to make a few decisions and bear down upon them.
Small victories lead to larger ones and that is how this battle is going to be won. Maybe I’ll see ‘D’ again and I’ll remember what we discussed or maybe Mookie will visit. I don’t know.
For now I am focused on writing my story and taking care of a few other things. I expect to be successful in those endeavors and well, we shall see what happens after that.