This post may not be safe for work or then it again it may be. I won’t know until I am done writing it. That is because I haven’t mapped it out or given myself an outline to use. This is just me writing off the cuff about whatever comes to mind.
Sometimes I wonder how people see me. I mean how they really see me. It is no secret that the past handful of years have had their moments and I know that during some of the more trying moments I have been less tolerant than my normal, lovable grumpy self. Last night two guys called me a dick, an asshole and one of the nastier pricks they have ever encountered.
Mind you that the last one came after a very hard foul in which I knocked him to the floor for the third or fourth time of the evening. I take that last comment with a grain of salt because the man doesn’t understand physics. I weigh more than 200 pounds and he weighs around a buck fifty. If the two of us are racing towards a loose ball there is going to be one winner of that collision.
And not that it matters, but I don’t think that it is fair to ask me to go easier just because I am bigger. We are all grown ups out there and I get knocked by the men who are bigger than I am.
I won’t lie and say that I spend a lot of time wondering whether people like me or not because it is not true. I am not writing this to try and portray myself as anything other than I am. I am not asking for people to tell me that I am great or evil or anything in between.
But I am curious about it nonetheless. Curiosity is one of the attributes of a good writer. You need to wonder about the world and notice things that others don’t. You need to walk over to the corner of the attic and see what is hiding in the dark.
Sometimes you discover that grandma was one of Picasso’s lovers and that in addition to getting screwed by a master she also was the recipient of a painting he made of her. Once you get beyond the discomfort of seeing a naked picture of your grandmother with three breasts and a nose that is out of place you’ll begin to see that you have one hell of a story to tell.
Alternatively you might hit that dark corner and discover that Uncle Ernest is a retired serial killer and that trunk is filled with things you’d rather not think about, let alone look at.
The good news is that you get another great story. The bad is that you just realized that the formerly lovable Uncle Ernie is standing behind you dressed in women’s clothing and screaming “mother, they know!”
I Need More Time
Been looking at the list of things that I have to do and have come to the conclusion yet again that I need more time and not because I am not productive. Every time I look at that list I see lots of things crossed off but they are always replaced by new things.
I feel like the damn sorcerer’s apprentice watching those brooms carry more buckets of water my way. Fuck you broom! Fuck you Blog! Fuck you computer! Fuck you household chores and Fuck you moon!
Whew, I sort of feel better now. Ok, not really. I am still recovering from that image of Uncle Ernie dressed in a wig. Hell I would find a picture to share with you but you would need to bleach your eyes afterwards.
Anyhoo, when I look at the past handful of years and ask myself the question about what people see it is tied into a few things. The primary one is that I don’t feel like I am making progress in some areas as quickly as I would like to.
Were my children to approach me about this I would advise them to look at what they are doing and see if they can find a better way of doing things. So I have to follow the same advice as I give and ask myself if I am creating/causing/part of the problem. It is not totally clear to me. In fact it is a bit like staring at Guernica.
There is a lot going on but at the same time if you take a deep breath and look hard you can pick out certain elements and point to them as areas that can be focused upon. I take that as a sign/inspiration/indication that I need to work hard to change how I approach and do some things.
It can’t hurt and if I want to I can always decide to change back to however I was doing things before. Got to tell you, there is a certain amount of excitement and positive energy flowing that direction.
What do you think?