I Hurt Myself Today To See If I Still Feel

My son once asked me if I had a favorite president and I told him I wasn’t sure, but that if I could sit and talk to one I would probably pick Abraham Lincoln or maybe George Washington.

But the truth is that I would really like to speak with many others too, modern and past. I would like to have candid conversations where we would talk about what it was like to be president and how they made their most difficult decisions.

It would be interesting to hear how they did it. You might have a cabinet filled with advisers and smart people but at the end of the day it is you who signs your name to your choices.

Hard Decisions Are Hard For a Reason

Hard decisions are hard for a reason and sometimes it is because you can’t predict or plan for the outcome because you can’t tell what will happen.

You have to walk through the clouds and find out if the ground gives way to a cliff or turns into a hill. Maybe it stays flat and smooth or maybe you find yourself walking through uneven ground filled with cracks and cacti that prick your skin.

And that is where I find myself now, staring off into the fog, wondering what lies on the other side. These are the moments that as a parent are hardest to work with because you are trying to make a choice based upon best interests and good intentions.

Yet good intentions don’t always lead to good outcomes.

Musical Interlude

1. Hurt– Johnny Cash
2. Closer– Nine Inch Nails
3. Breathe- The Prodigy
4. Institutionalized– Suicidal Tendencies
5. Kashmir– Led Zeppelin
6. Ramble On– Led Zeppelin

1 Am But Still Not Asleep

Actually it is 1:30 AM and I am still not asleep but writing brings me closer to it. The thoughts and ideas shared and those left unsaid help to take the edge off and I find myself feeling better.

The kids think I always know what to do and how to make the right decision and I smile because I want them to have that trust in me because it comforts them, but in the quiet of the night I laugh because I don’t always know.

I come here and vent about things that trouble my heart and keep my soul from singing because it is smarter and safer than other choices.

Musical choices share some of the irritation, anger and confusion but always lead to places I find comforting and I slowly unwind.

Presidential Decisions and What Matters

Part of the reason I am awake is because I took close to a three hour nap. It wasn’t intentional, but apparently it was needed so I slept. Must have slept deeply because I am wide awake and I don’t remember a thing about falling asleep.

I wonder if Lincoln and Washington slept like that or if the weight of their choices crept into their silent moments.

Sometimes I wonder about how hard it must be to have every move dissected and turned over a million times. Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to make a decision because you think it was right and then have it blow up in your face on a national or international level.

And I wonder would I feel the same way as I do now.

Because outside of family and some very close friends I rarely care what others think. It seems tedious, troublesome and tiresome to have to measure each move based upon politics.

I always want to make my decisions based upon what really matters and not what will help me get re-elected.

Go To Sleep Jack

Bed calls and I need to answer but part of me is reluctant. The darkness caresses me and I see solutions to some of the more minor issues. I have deadlines to attend to and part of me is ready to start writing because I can feel the words flowing from my fingertips with the sort of ease I am normally accustomed to but have been unable to locate.

If I bang these out I’ll be up for another two hours and the morning will be brutal. But the upside is that I won’t have these things sitting over my head.

Yet the fatigue might really hurt me in the afternoon when I need to be awake.

Sometimes it is really hard to figure out what to do because you can’t easily identify the outcome of your decisions. Sometimes all you can do is make a choice and hope for the best.

Sometimes faith sucks.

• Saved: Life