Of Fear & Failure
Bono and the boys are singing Walk On and I am sitting here at the computer staring at the screen thinking about whether I feel like writing or not.
I never suffer from Writer’s Block or run out of ideas for things to write about.
It is easy to come up with content but the energy required to maintain multiple blogs, being a dad and life in general sometimes requires me to push away from my desk.
Age is assuredly a state of mind but Father Time won’t let me ignore that I am closer to fifty than 30 and this body won’t give me everything it once did.
It is a hard lesson to learn and one I fear to accept because I am scared of slowing down and not because whatever is chasing me might catch up.
Because I am not ready to accept that I can’t run with the boys on the court the way I once did or that my son can now out run me.
He can’t beat me in a sprint yet, but the day is coming. I celebrate and dread it.
Of Fear & Failure
I am back in the in-between space again but unlike past times I have a clear idea about how I want it all to work out. The question isn’t if but when and how.
That Beckett quote works so very well for me because it is so easy for me to identify with it.
I have failed and fallen down more than once but every time I have bounced back up, sometimes I got back up so quickly if you looked away you wouldn’t know I had fallen.
But it is harder to pick myself up from some of these more recent falls than it used to be. I blame that on age and a body that no longer appreciates being thrown over chairs, through people and into walls.
Diving for the ball is still appreciated by the team. It is still part of my game because all I know how to do is hustle but there comes a time when you leave where you were and what you did for new things and places.
That is what I am working on now, moving from where I was into the future that works best for me.
Still if I said there was no fear of failure I would be lying and the rules of the blog would be shattered.
But when I acknowledge my fear I usually find it makes it more manageable.
Sometimes I take these moments and try to turn them into a teaching moment.
It is funny because sometimes the kids tell me they think I am not afraid of anything and I smile, because I am human. I have things that frighten me but the trick is to manage your fear and not let it manage you.
So I’ll tell them about something that scares me a bit and explain how I plan on handling it.
You can’t be brave without fear and you can’t succeed unless you can fail.
I have very few regrets but those that I do have seem to be tied into moments where I let fear win.
Just thinking about it hurts my head, heart and soul because it is not who I want to be or who I am. But I refuse to let those things define me so I focus on failing better and or not failing at all.
I know where I am heading, just a question of how long it takes to get there.