Would You Like To Be The 132nd Greatest Blogger Ever?

You are not supposed to enter the Jewish New Year thinking about whether you should defenestrate someone or throw them down the stairs.

I might have chosen not to go to rabbinic school but I can assure you this time of year is supposed to be devoted to introspection, reflection and personal growth and not whether you are strong enough to pull someone’s head out of their ass.

But I am the guy who takes the road less taken and blazes trails where none exist so maybe it is fitting to roll into the new year in a different sort of way.

Hell, when I realized what The New Normal was going to be I should have just accepted that life would be a bit different.

Bread is singing Everything I Own and I am sitting here in stunned silence, trying to process some terrible news and make sense of something that won’t ever make sense.

Maybe I should take W.C. Fields advice and let go, move on and roll on to the next thing but that is easier said than done for me.

That is because I am the guy who has had great success in figuring out answers to the hard stuff. I am the guy who tears down the walls using hammers, fists or a block and tackle.

It is just a combination of my Taurus nature and my trying to imitate Albert Einstein.

There is a reason I tell the kids to work smarter and not harder, it is effective. I figure if it worked for him there is no reason why it might not work for me.

The music has shifted to Rod Stewart’s Rhythm of My Heart and I have to smile because something about it seems so damn appropriate.

It doesn’t mean I have forgotten about the bad news just that I have pushed it to the back of my head where it can rattle around for a while unencumbered by a father trying to get his kids ready for the responsibilities of the following day.

Would You Like To Be The 132nd Greatest Blogger Ever?

My daughter asked me if I could become the greatest dad blogger ever and I told her it was possible to better than that, I could be the 982nd greatest blogger ever.

She laughed and told me I ought to aim higher so I asked her if it made sense to try to become the 132nd greatest blogger ever.

“Dad, sometimes you are ridiculous.”

“I have been very successful at being ridiculous. You can consider me a master of mishegoss and one of the greatest meshugehnehs you’ll ever meet.”

She rolls her eyes and tells me she can’t understand how I ever managed to find a woman to date me. I shake my head at her and tell her she doesn’t want to know what my secret is.

As she walks away I tell her it is fine to be 11 and to not try to grow up so damn quickly. It is said for both of our benefits.

She isn’t as old and mature as she wants to be and that is ok. It hasn’t stopped the eye rolling and attitude but the boys report is that all of our daughters seem to be going or growing through this at the same time.

And we all agree that it is probably easier than the crazy mother-daughter thing we see going on too.

****

Later on I’ll sit her down and talk to her about how I used to say that I wanted one percent of IBM’s ad budget. It is a reference to the good-old-days when I sold advertising.

“Jack, what is your goal for the next year? How are you going to grow your sales?”

“Well boss, don’t worry about how I am going to grow my sales just understand that IBM has an ad budget of $100 million and I am going to capture one percent of it.”

He nodded his head and smiled.

“If you do that we’ll both be very happy.”

“Not as happy as I’ll be when you get the hell out of my office, you are preventing me from working.”

As I recall the boss sort of rolled his eyes at me too, but he left and for good measure I told him not to let the door smack him in the ass when he left.

Have I ever mentioned the importance of keeping your boss in line?

No?

Consider this that mention and remember that if you do as I do you need to start with the snark and sarcasm early on.

But don’t forget to be very good at what you do because when you are obnoxious they want to cut your throat so you have to make it worth their while to keep you around.

The kids and I are sitting in the living room talking while the dog tries to walk in a circle on my lap. Don’t know why he does that, I just know every dog seems to need to make that same circle because they lie down and pretend to sleep.

Daughter looks at me and asks if I have any news for them and I ask what she means.

“Dad, I don’t want any surprises. Are we moving to Texas or Fargo, North Dakota anytime soon?”

“I told you we aren’t moving to Fargo anytime soon, at least not until someone offers me a million dollars to do it.”

“You didn’t say anything about Texas.”

“You are right, I was there two weeks ago and I am sure I’ll be there again, just don’t know when.”

“Daddy, give me a straight answer.”

I smile and tell her that I don’t anticipate her having to move today or tomorrow or even next week but I won’t promise anything beyond that.

“Remember when we talked about whether I could become the 132nd greatest blogger? Well, if you want to dig into the nuts and bolts of it all I can promise you that if I was the 132nd greatest blogger we could probably live a very nice life in any number of places.”

This is the kind of conversation I love because it is filled with teaching moments and I am able to share a bunch of life experiences and talk about how they have helped me.

I tell her about the times I have failed and how anytime something has knocked me down I have gotten back up.

We talk about problem solving and when you should take risks.  She asks me if it bothers me to fail and I say that it always hurts and I hate it but I refuse to just give up because something is hard.

“Sometimes the hardest part is figuring when to walk away because you just aren’t getting anywhere.”

*****

It really is too bad I couldn’t defenestrate the guy I saw in shul, probably wouldn’t have made a difference because he is the kind of asshole who thinks being an asshole is something to be proud of.

But you never know, if you stick with a problem long enough sometimes you come up with the perfect solution.

• Saved: Children, Life and Death