Archives for October 2005

This past July you may recall my posting about this story:

“The fear factor is high at one Florida home – the family is afraid of going to the bathroom, and for good reason. Alicia Bailey was bitten by, what appears to be, a large water moccasin hiding in the toilet bowl in the middle of the night. The poisonous snake bit her thigh after she lifted the lid sending her to the hospital for three days.

No one knows how the snake got there, or where it went after that, so the family is a little jumpy these days. Richard Bailey tells us, “We’re not looking to take it alive – I just want it out of here.” Alicia adds, “We’re currently very uncomfortable in our home – and toilet-shy, I would say, and real anxious for closure.”

The Bailey’s eleven-year-old son is now staying with neighbors, because doctors say, he would die if he were bitten by a snake that size.”

And now I offer you the following

“NORTH PLAINFIELD, N.J. — A North Plainfield couple have their toilet back now that they removed the 6-foot snake that was blocking the drain. Peter and Debbie Bias said the red- and black-spotted Brazilian rainbow boa named “Freddy” was backing up their pipes for as long as a week until they saw it and called for help.

Police called Craig Ost, a local pet shop owner who rescued the reptile.The snake, which prefers warm climates, was at death’s doorstep, Ost told The Star-Ledger of Newark.

Veterinary technician Jason Zayle is caring for it now. He said she’s not a bad snake. What’s not clear is how Freddy got into the toilet.

The homeowners think the snake slithered into the sewer system, but Zayle told the newspaper the reptile was probably abandoned and made its way into the home.”

I have a few fears in life. There are some things that frighten me and I readily admit that one of the more irrational is my concern that a large earthquake will hit while I am occupied in the bathroom.

I know call me crazy, but the thought bothers me. What will my family tell people about how I died. How will my children live down the shame. Can you imagine the teasing on the schoolyard. I hate to think that my obituary might say that I was caught with my pants around my ankles. Think of the imagery here.

What if it was big enough to severely injure me. What if instead of dying I had to crawl to safety with my pants around my ankles and a piece of toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Oh the shame of it all. Not that any of this is likely, but you stranger things have happened.

Today was one of those surreal moments. I was doing my thing at the office when all of a sudden I noticed a head perched above the stall walls. It was attached to a neck and it was clear that he was not standing on stilts nor on a ladder.

For a brief moment I thought that perhaps the NBA had read my blog and sent a hit man to get me. Now I haven’t any fear of a 7 foot tall man, provided that I am standing on my own two feet and not occupied in a closed space, like a bathroom stall.

I immediately looked for ways to defend myself and I am sad to say that the only idea was to engage in the age old Monkey Defense, which sadly was not a martial art but something far more base and primal. It sickened me to consider it, but frankly, violence of any sort sickens me and a man has got to do what a man has got to do.

So as I steeled my mind and prepared for battle I watched the giant head bobble from side to side and I could tell that he was ambling over to a stall down the way. I breathed a sigh of relief, disaster was averted.

A short time later we both exited our stalls and I was sad to see that the giant did not wash his hands. I don’t know what he did in there, but I have my suspicions that he took those oversized and enormous paws and spread germs throughout the building.

And that ends this morning’s potty story.