Archives for April 2006

Top Draft Busts of the Modern Era as provided by SI. I won’t list all of them, but they did pick some doozies.

Brian Bosworth, Tony Mandarich, Todd Marinovich, Ki-Jana Carter and Ryan Leaf. Oy vey.

Here are some of the recent notes I have received from readers.

Dear Jack,

You used to be funny. What happened?

-Sam

Dear Sam,

You used to have hair. What happened?

Regards,

Jack (could be considered a funny retort, or just snarky.)

Dear Jack,

Why don’t we see any pictures of you?

Thanks,

Misty

Dear Misty,

Don’t take this the wrong way, but I wonder about people with porn star names.

-Jack

Dear Jack,

Is that your wife wearing the cockroach?

-John

Dear John,

No, it is my brother Franz Kafka.

Dear Jack,

Stacey’s blog needs updating. You usually pretend to be her and you. What are you going to do about it?

-Sam.

Dear Sam,

Congratulations, you made it on this list twice. Now if you only made sense we might have something to work with.
-Jack

Dear Jack,

Why doesn’t your penis talk to you like Neilochka?

Regards,

Your elbow

Dear Elbow,

I used to be funny without resorting to dick jokes. Or didn’t you read Sam’s comment from above.

-Jack

Dear Jack,

I know that you wrote Datingmistress Jerusalem. Just admit it.

-???

Dear ???,

I guess that you are trying to be mysterious. A word of advice, when you do this don’t email me from your office.

Thanks,

-J

“SAN ANTONIO (Reuters) – Baylor University in Waco, Texas, which bills itself as the world’s largest Baptist college, has threatened to discipline female students if they pose for Playboy magazine, which is trying to recruit models from the college.Playboy photographers came to Baylor’s hometown seeking models for a photo spread on women of the Big 12 college athletic conference, of which the college is a member.

Baylor Vice President for Student Life Samuel W. Oliver sent an e-mail to women students this week warning that any who “associate” with Playboy would be subject to the university’s disciplinary processes.

“Playboy is clearly antithetical to Baylor’s mission and associating with the magazine would be a violation of the code of conduct,” Oliver wrote in the e-mail. University officials said punishment could include suspension.”

Am I the only one asking how they would know if one of their students posed in the magazine. Sounds like one hell of a job to me. I can just hear the dean explaining why he had to purchase the magazine for business purposes.

I am just shaking my head.

Phony doctor arrested after fake breast exams

“Broward Sheriff’s Office deputies arrested a 76-year-old man Thursday who they say was going door-to-door in a Lauderdale Lakes neighborhood offering free breast exams.

Two women accepted the exams, BSO officials said.

At about 9 a.m., BSO investigators say, Philip Winikoff drove to an apartment complex near the 3200 block of Northwest 40th Street. Carrying a black ”doctor’s” bag, he walked up to the building and told a 36-year-old woman that he was in the neighborhood offering free breast exams.

The woman let Winikoff, of Coconut Creek, into her apartment and the phony doctor began the exam. The woman told police that after Winikoff touched her breasts, he moved his hand to her genitals and further assaulted her. Realizing he was not a doctor, she called BSO, but Winikoff had already left her apartment and found another victim; a 33-year-old woman in the same complex.

Deputies found Winikoff on Northwest 40th Street and arrested him.”

“Clinical web site may be target of porn seekers
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) – It seems that online dermatological images, intended as a references for doctors, are sometimes being used pruriently.The idea that a searchable archive of clinical photographs was being misused first occurred to the site’s curators when they noticed a marked jump in queries for images of genital areas.

In light of this, Dr. Christoph U. Lehmann and colleagues, from Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, emphasize in the Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology that “anonymous misuse of collaborative archives must be anticipated, addressed and prevented to preserve their integrity and the integrity of the learning communities they support.”

The researchers assessed request patterns received by the site over a 6-month period, in terms of diagnosis, age group and anatomic site.

Of the more than 7800 dermatological images available on the site, 5.5 percent involve genital regions. However, 12 percent of queries for a specific diagnosis involved a genital area. Also, 37 percent of the requests for an anatomic site involved a genital region, and 12 percent of the 10,000 free text queries were for images of genitalia.”

US comedian called world’s ‘unsexiest’ man

“BOSTON (Reuters) – Comedian Gilbert Gottfried, the voice of the Aflac Inc. duck in television commercials for the insurer, was crowned “unsexiest man in the world” by an alternative newspaper on Tuesday.

“The parrot-voiced, pickle-faced comic is to sexy what Kryptonite is to Superman,” The Boston Phoenix wrote.

New York Yankees pitcher Randy Johnson came in second followed by film critic Roger Ebert, television psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw and Fox television co-host Alan Colmes. Even actor Brad Pitt made the list, as the newspaper’s 100th-least sexy man.”

I am physically tired and mentally spent. I feel out of sorts. I wasn’t happy with my seders. I have some repairs that need to be made around the house and I am tired of getting screwed at the pump.

There are two basic reasons for this, at least if some of my friends, fellow bloggers and citizens are to be believed. All of the ills of the world can be blamed upon Bush and the Republicans.

Wow, I feel so much better. Just having written that makes me feel like the weight of the world has come off of my shoulders. I don’t have to take any personal responsibility for anything. I can ignore prexisting conditions and just shrug my shoulders. I didn’t vote for Dubya. I didn’t ask for this. It was those other guys. You know, the ones that hate everyone who isn’t white, drive big cars and want to live in a caste system.

I don’t have any accountability because I am not a red state denizen. For that matter it is perfectly acceptable for me to point my fingers at them and make fun of anyone who is. The stupid yokels. They drive pickup trucks, believe in incest and enjoy making moonshine.

It is such a relief to know that living in a Blue state automatically raises my IQ by seventeen points. It is good to know that I have a boogeyman that I can blame for the disappearance of Natalee Holloway. It is good to know that I can blame every bad thing that has ever happened to me to one little group of people.

Whatever would I do without the Republicans. How could I live without Bush. They make life so much better because you know that they are the reason the world sucks. Why if they didn’t exist you just know that Osama would have become a doctor and that Saddam would have been the next Mother Theresa.

If they didn’t exist you just know that we would all drive solar powered cars, wear hemp clothing and there would be a tax system that allowed for free healthcare, free education and free housing. What a world it would be.

End of sarcasm and beginning of pseudo-rant.

I am done listening to all of the moaning, groaning and bitching about how Bush and the Republicans are responsible for all of the evils of the world. It is time to suck it up and take a big dose of some STFU coffee.

There are a lot of bad things going on right now and a lot of good things. Dubya and company are part of both as are the administrations of many of our past presidents. Outsourcing, environmental issues, and even foreign policy problems existed long before this admin. I am not interested in talking about who created them and or who made them worse.

I don’t want to jerk off making lists about the best and worst presidents. I want action. I want to see people pick their asses off and make a difference. I want to see them help their communities. Clean the beaches, paint over graffitti, demand accountability of themselves and others.

I want to see people work to affect change. I want to affect change and see the effects of action and I want it to happen sooner than later.

Quit your bitching. What are we going to do to fix things. How are we going to improve the schools. What are we going to do to improve healthcare and housing issues.

Change your damn attitude and do something positive and stop blaming others for why life isn’t better.

Feh on you and this stupid crying. I am sick of it.

Customers Scurry to Buy Designer’s `Roach Brooch’

“A piece of jewelry that features a live hissing cockroach attached to a chain has brought his Utah boutique a lot of attention — and sales.

SALT LAKE CITY — Designing for his first fashion show, Jared Gold understood that a unique piece of jewelry could draw a lot of attention to both his work and the wearer.

His eye-catching creations are alive. And they’re cockroaches — 3-inch-long Madagascar hissing cockroaches bejeweled with Swarovski crystals and attached by a chain to a pin.The “roach brooches” are free to crawl around on a blouse or jacket, attached to a limiting lead. They hiss when upset and, unless the wearer is careful about the roach’s feeding schedule, they can soil your couture clothing.

A curiosity for sure, but when Gold revived the idea this year for his Salt Lake City boutique even he was a little surprised by the result. He can’t keep them in stock.

“Oh, there they are,” exclaimed Linda Sanders, a fourth-grade teacher, as she gently picked up a roach. Sanders had made the nearly hourlong drive from her home in Orem to see the brooches at Gold’s store.

“I love all animals,” Sanders said, as a roach climbed all over her denim jacket. “The teachers would hate me.”

But within 10 minutes, Sanders was signing a receipt for the purchase of her roach, attached to a chain and pinned to her lapel.

“The kids will love it,” said Sanders, who has a tarantula and two chinchillas in her classroom.

On a busy Friday evening, many of those visiting the Black Chandelier clothing store were there to see the roaches.

LeAnn Kay, of Salt Lake City, saw a story about the brooches on television and came to see them for herself. Gold and his cockroaches also were recently featured on an episode of the reality show “America’s Next Top Model” on the UPN network.

“Initially I was taken aback, and I was appalled,” Kay said. “The more I looked at it, the more interesting the idea became. You know, art for art’s sake. It’s a very intriguing idea.”

Taking the mundane or grotesque and making it pretty or taking something pretty and making it slightly disturbing is what Gold says interests him as a designer.

It takes about an hour to decorate a cockroach. Gold’s head seamstress, Aja Davis, is the studio’s “roach wrangler.”

“We have our secret way that we prep them. They excrete this wax that no adhesives will stick to,” Gold said. “After months of trial and error, we finally figured out how to get jewels to stick to them.”

The jewels and clasp are attached to the roach’s hood, or carapace, a hard shell that covers its head. Gold says his staff is very gentle with the roaches. He doesn’t even like to make them hiss.”

I could have a lot of fun with this one. I can think of a few people who deserve one.
Hat Tap To On The Mark at Toner Mishap