How Do You Make a Baby?

 

English: Dr. Ruth Westheimer Deutsch: Dr. Ruth...

English: Dr. Ruth Westheimer Deutsch: Dr. Ruth Westheimer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

How Do You Make a Baby?

I always knew that at some point in time the question about how to make a baby would arise, just not when. When my son asked I took a deep breath and considered how to answer it.

He is just short of 5.5 so I didn’t see a need to give him too much information, but at the same time I didn’t want to shortchange him. I am not embarrassed or bothered by the question. It is age appropriate and just one of a thousand questions a day that he asks me.

I have a standard response to almost all of his questions that goes something like this “what do you think?”

The purpose is for me to try and understand how much he has heard about a particular topic. Once I understand what level of understanding he has it is much easier for me to provide an appropriate response.

The first time he asked we were in my car. I was stopped at a red light on Ventura Boulevard. Somewhere behind me or to the side there was a car emitting a loud booming noise. The bass must have been deafening for the passengers, to me it was just irritating.

Yet, at the same time there was something fitting. It felt like an introduction to my opening monologue.

“Little Jack, how do you think this happens?”
“Dad, I think that we crawl up inside the mommies.”

“Really”

Son: “Yes. I think that we must like being in there.”

The juvenile part of me had a million smartass remarks that I forced myself not to say. The light changed and I set the car in motion.

Me: “Have you talked about this with your friends?”

Son: “Yes.”

For a moment I had this funny image of a group of five year-olds standing around on a street corner exchanging war stories and advice.

“Check out the girl in the Dora dress. She is so hot!”

Son:”Dad, my sister is going to be a mommy one day.”

Me: “Yes, but not for a very long time. One of your jobs is going to help me keep the boys away from her.”

Should I issue an apology to my daughter now or later. Sorry baby, daddy grew up with lots of sisters. This was drilled into me by your grandfather. Like how I pass the buck. 😉

Son:”Why?”

Me: “Nevermind that, let’s talk about your question.” Do you remember what is different about girls and boys?”

Son: “Girls are poopheads and peepee faces.” Followed by gales of five year-old laughter.

If you are ever in need of a way to entertain young children scatalogical humor provides endless amounts of humor to both boys and girls. It is a source of tons of fun to them.

I took another deep breath and launched into my explanation.

Me: “Let’s be serious. Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. When they love each other very much they sometimes decide to show that love by doing something together.”

I paused for a moment and tried to decide how I wanted to describe sex. I wanted to give him enough to satisfy his question but not so much to make him think that I was carrying a copy of the Kama Sutra in the car. I keep that at home.

Instead of continuing I opted to check in again and make sure that he was following along. So I stopped and asked him if he understood.

Silence….I repeated the question and again was greeted with silence. So I looked into the rear view mirror and saw that he had fallen asleep. For a moment I was nonplussed. Our first real sex talk and I bored him to sleep.

I remember the first time I saw any sort of sex scene with my parents. It was a movie, can’t say that I remember which one. What I do remember was a warm uncomfortable feeling. The last thing I wanted to do was watch with them, but that is a different story for a different day.

That conversation with my son took place a few days ago. I want to finish it, but I didn’t see a reason to bring it back up until he does. This weekend I picked up a book by Dr. Ruth that addresses this issue.

I expect that later this week we’ll revisit this topic again. I’ll keep you posted as to how it goes.

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