Jack And The Missionary
As Elie commented I attract an interesting group of people. Some of you might call them nutjobs, moonbats, wackos, crazies, meshugahnehs and or mentally imbalanced. To be fair some of them might actually be quite lucid. It is possible that my portrayal of these affairs is unfairly skewed. On the other hand it is my blog and my recollection. Sometimes truth is in the eye of the beholder.
Many of you are probably familiar with missionaries. These are the people that so love their religious beliefs they feel entitled to spread the good news with the rest of the world. You can find them all over the place in airports, malls and even door to door. My neighborhood is particularly attractive to them as they often appear at my door.
My all time favorite response to missionaries belongs to Robert Stack in the classic movie Airplane. But as I truly do not want to hurt anyone and more importantly abhor the thought of jail time that shall remain a fantasy. Besides I have my own methods.
Here is what happened the last time one showed up at my door.
Missionary Man: Hello sir. If I can take a moment of your time I would like to speak with you about something important.
Jack: I always have a moment for something important.
Missionary Man: I have good news for you sir about something that can improve your life in unimaginable ways.
Jack: You know I get spam that says the same thing. Most of the time it deals with my sex life so if you want to offer me a way to enjoy a six hour erection I am covered. Not to mention that there is nice man in Nigeria that wants to share millions of dollars with me.
Missionary Man: Sir, I am talking about something far more important than your material needs. I can help you protect you mortal soul from eternal torment.
Jack: Well that does have its uses. The last time I got sunburned it felt like hell.
Missionary Man: What you need to do sir is open your heart. Open your heart and let me tell you about the lord.
Jack: The Lord? You mean Voldemort. Don’t you know that around these parts we refer to him as he who must not be named.
Missionary Man: I don’t know anything about Lord Volkswagen.
Jack: You poor muggle. His name is Voldemort and he has legions of death eaters that support him. Maybe I should be doing the teaching today.
Missionary Man: Sir, this really is a serious matter.
Jack: What is so serious. What if I told you that I have a personal relationship with God. Wait, a moment. (Scrunching up my eyes I looked heavenwards and then resumed talking) Sorry for the interruption. That was God he asked me to let you know that you are abusing your position and that the best thing that you can do is accept that there are many paths to his palace.
Missionary Man: Somehow I doubt that. The bible says that it is my job to share the gospel with you.
Jack: And Mel the chef on Alice says that the best defense is a good offense. Which leads me to my next point. What would you say if I told you that you followed a fable, that you base your life on a twisted fictional account of a reality that never was.
Missionary Man: Well that would be downright offensive.
Jack: But your telling strangers the same thing isn’t. I think that we are done for now.
Missionary Man: I am sorry to hear that.
Jack: What that we are done or that your beliefs are based on myth.
And with that the Missionary Man wandered off to the next house.