Jack And The Missionary

As Elie commented I attract an interesting group of people. Some of you might call them nutjobs, moonbats, wackos, crazies, meshugahnehs and or mentally imbalanced. To be fair some of them might actually be quite lucid. It is possible that my portrayal of these affairs is unfairly skewed. On the other hand it is my blog and my recollection. Sometimes truth is in the eye of the beholder.

Many of you are probably familiar with missionaries. These are the people that so love their religious beliefs they feel entitled to spread the good news with the rest of the world. You can find them all over the place in airports, malls and even door to door. My neighborhood is particularly attractive to them as they often appear at my door.

My all time favorite response to missionaries belongs to Robert Stack in the classic movie Airplane. But as I truly do not want to hurt anyone and more importantly abhor the thought of jail time that shall remain a fantasy. Besides I have my own methods.

Here is what happened the last time one showed up at my door.

Missionary Man: Hello sir. If I can take a moment of your time I would like to speak with you about something important.
Jack: I always have a moment for something important.

Missionary Man: I have good news for you sir about something that can improve your life in unimaginable ways.
Jack: You know I get spam that says the same thing. Most of the time it deals with my sex life so if you want to offer me a way to enjoy a six hour erection I am covered. Not to mention that there is nice man in Nigeria that wants to share millions of dollars with me.

Missionary Man: Sir, I am talking about something far more important than your material needs. I can help you protect you mortal soul from eternal torment.
Jack: Well that does have its uses. The last time I got sunburned it felt like hell.

Missionary Man: What you need to do sir is open your heart. Open your heart and let me tell you about the lord.
Jack: The Lord? You mean Voldemort. Don’t you know that around these parts we refer to him as he who must not be named.

Missionary Man: I don’t know anything about Lord Volkswagen.
Jack: You poor muggle. His name is Voldemort and he has legions of death eaters that support him. Maybe I should be doing the teaching today.

Missionary Man: Sir, this really is a serious matter.
Jack: What is so serious. What if I told you that I have a personal relationship with God. Wait, a moment. (Scrunching up my eyes I looked heavenwards and then resumed talking) Sorry for the interruption. That was God he asked me to let you know that you are abusing your position and that the best thing that you can do is accept that there are many paths to his palace.

Missionary Man: Somehow I doubt that. The bible says that it is my job to share the gospel with you.
Jack: And Mel the chef on Alice says that the best defense is a good offense. Which leads me to my next point. What would you say if I told you that you followed a fable, that you base your life on a twisted fictional account of a reality that never was.

Missionary Man: Well that would be downright offensive.
Jack: But your telling strangers the same thing isn’t. I think that we are done for now.

Missionary Man: I am sorry to hear that.
Jack: What that we are done or that your beliefs are based on myth.

And with that the Missionary Man wandered off to the next house.

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14 Comments

  1. Chana February 13, 2007 at 6:38 pm

    Must Gum Addict – I hope you don’t mind – I posted your story on my blog. Jack, I linked you too. It’s just too good not to!

  2. Chana February 13, 2007 at 6:10 pm

    Must Gum Addict – that is a great story!!

  3. SnoopyTheGoon February 11, 2007 at 5:08 pm

    I thought at first that there is a word missing in the title of this post. Hmm… A bit of a letdown from what I hoped it will be.

    Now that I have gone through it, I think that there must be some common treatement for visiting missionaries and/or salesman of all kinds.

    Possibly in the form of a spray can one can keep near the entrance door.

  4. Bagel Blogger February 10, 2007 at 6:18 pm

    I’m sure this isn’t quite ethical but a few years back, In Melbourne Australia,:
    “A man received a suspended two-month jail sentence Friday for feeding hash
    cookies to two unsuspecting American Mormons.

    Alexander McLean, 46, baked around 30 cookies and served some of them to the
    two Americans when they visited his house in the southern city of Melbourne
    on May 19. The names of the 19-year-old victims, who were hospitalized after
    eating the cookies, were not released by the court.”

    One wonders is they may have had ‘visions’

    regards Aaron
    Visit: Bagelblogger

  5. tnspr569 February 10, 2007 at 6:15 pm

    Way to go, Jack!!! You rock!!

  6. Anniegetyour February 9, 2007 at 5:16 pm

    I sort of feel bad about taunting missionaries, as, at their base, they do mean well. They really are trying to save you from what they think is eternal damnation.

    I just wish that they weren’t quite so easy to bait.

  7. MUST Gum Addict February 9, 2007 at 4:40 pm

    I went to yeshiva in the Midwest (no, not Cleveland, but close enough) and one two such fellas knocked on the dorm house and we let them in. We even made them tea. Then three of us sat down with them and the fun began. There was one bochur in our yeshiva who actually knew a lot about not only their religion, but many (like real in depth stuff) — and he really took them on a whirlwind tour.

    I felt sorry for those two when they finally left about an hour later. The look on their faces was like when a child finds out that Santa Claus isn’t real after all…

    The BEST part? When they got up to leave, the bochur said, “hey, you forgot your Bible…” and one replied, “that’s ok, I don’t think I’ll be needing it…”

  8. Stacey February 9, 2007 at 2:10 pm

    Sheyna: That’s awesome!! Great idea. The Mormons and their conversion of dead Jews is just gross. (And it continues, in spite their assurances that it has stopped).

  9. Jack's Shack February 9, 2007 at 6:01 am

    Sheyna,

    That sounds like a good story. I look forward to reading about it.

    Gooch,

    The Mo’s are quite interested in bringing you onto their team.

    LVNSM,

    🙂

    Chana,

    So true.

    Karla,

    I’ll let you know when I am in Dallas again.

  10. karla February 9, 2007 at 2:36 am

    Bravo. I need to rent you to answer my door when those guys show up at my place.

  11. Chana February 9, 2007 at 1:04 am

    LOL.

    They never want to hear about anyone else’s religion – they only want to talk about theirs!

    We get the Witlesses a couple times a year. They are very friendly if we pass them on the way to shul – they don’t try to stop us in the street. But the next time they knock on the door – if it’s not Shabbos – they are miiiine. LOL…

  12. Lvnsm27 February 9, 2007 at 1:02 am

    Your reply was hilarious.:)

    What they don’t understand is that G-d said to Not worship people or things. And here they go telling people to worship a certain person.

  13. Gooch February 8, 2007 at 10:56 pm

    I always thought “I’m Jewish” was a rock-solid alibi when confronted by these types. Until I met a couple of Mormons on bikes who were entirely unphased

  14. Sheyna February 8, 2007 at 10:46 pm

    lol… I can tell I’m going to have to blog about my appointment (yes, I actually made an appointment) with a couple of fellows from the LDS church (Mormons). They thought they were going to get an hour to convince me of their beliefs. What they didn’t realize was that I had a LESSON planned, complete with handouts, about Mormon-Jewish relations. 🙂

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