No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man,
To be the sad man,
Behind blue eyes.
No one knows what it’s like
To be hated,
To be faded,
To telling only lies.
But my dreams,
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be.
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free.
The Who- Behind Blue Eyes
I didn’t really get to all of the points that I wanted to hit in my last post. When I spoke about the lyrics of The Gambler I was specifically thinking about what it means to know when to hold them and know when to fold them. Sometimes when I take on a challenge I grab a hold of it with such fierceness that I can lose sight of when to let go. I am nothing if not tenacious. I am stubborn. I am determined. I am persistent. At times these characteristics serve me well, but they have their downside.
So I wonder if I let the passion of the challenge blind me to the risk. I wonder if I my tolerance for pain is too high. I recognize that this is cryptic. FWIW, this has nothing to do with any sort of physical issue. If you don’t understand what the references are it is because you don’t need to know any more.
It is one of the problems with losing my anonymity. In the past I would have been much more candid about the situation. I liked being able to do that. Sometimes I miss it. Unfortunately some people work hard to hurt me with some of the information here. I can take whatever they dish out and I can give back better than I received. But for the sake of my family I won’t give those jackasses any more material to play with.
So here I sit speaking in my own code, blabbering on about this and that. What does it really mean. Is this still a forum for sharing my thoughts. Is this still a venue in which I can unload about the things that I fear. Can I offer my pain.
The answer is that I can, but with limitation. The loss of my anonymity has compromised me. In some ways the blog has suffered for it. It has grown harder and harder to offer the posts that I so loved to write. I liked to write about the things that hurt because I found it to be cathartic.
I haven’t deleted any of those posts. They still exist. They are still here, but the place has a different vibe to it. I can’t say that this is a good or bad thing. I am too close to the issue.
In my third year of blogging I am feeling my way around. I am looking for my own derech. I am searching for my own path because that is what I do. I have a restless spirit. Perhaps that restlessness is the true source of my discomfort. Perhaps that is what drives me.
I do know that I want to continue blogging. I still have a love for it. There are still so very many things to write about. More experiences to share and so much more to learn about the world.