And now for a couple of comments regarding Pesach. I am going to create a new minhag for my family. If you spend too much time complaining about the seder, tell me that you cannot understand why I would believe a myth, and repeatedly wonder aloud about people that are too Jewish you will become the plague vessel.
I will smile broadly and encourage you to sit on the Kiseh Shel Elijah. Once you have planted your rump on the chair I will dazzle you with a tale of bondage. Did I mention that during the recitation of this tale of bondage I will see that you are tied securely to said chair.
You’ll then serve a prime role in the recitation of the plagues.
Blood- I shall douse you in red sauce.
Frogs- I shall fill your trousers with frogs.
Gnats- Gnats love the red sauce you are wearing.
Death of Livestock- Better hope that you are not a farmer, because old Bessie will see Jack the shochet.
Boils- I’ll get creative for this one.
Hail- All the guests will spit ice at you.
Locust- Try sitting with a shirt full of locust.
Darkness- I’ll blindfold you.
Death of the First Born- I’ll get back to you on this one.
I’d write more but I truly am too irritated to do so. Excuse me while I go outside and pound the crap out of my heavy bag.