Pesach Notes

And now for a couple of comments regarding Pesach. I am going to create a new minhag for my family. If you spend too much time complaining about the seder, tell me that you cannot understand why I would believe a myth, and repeatedly wonder aloud about people that are too Jewish you will become the plague vessel.

I will smile broadly and encourage you to sit on the Kiseh Shel Elijah. Once you have planted your rump on the chair I will dazzle you with a tale of bondage. Did I mention that during the recitation of this tale of bondage I will see that you are tied securely to said chair.

You’ll then serve a prime role in the recitation of the plagues.

Blood- I shall douse you in red sauce.
Frogs- I shall fill your trousers with frogs.
Gnats- Gnats love the red sauce you are wearing.
Death of Livestock- Better hope that you are not a farmer, because old Bessie will see Jack the shochet.
Boils- I’ll get creative for this one.
Hail- All the guests will spit ice at you.
Locust- Try sitting with a shirt full of locust.
Darkness- I’ll blindfold you.
Death of the First Born- I’ll get back to you on this one.

I’d write more but I truly am too irritated to do so. Excuse me while I go outside and pound the crap out of my heavy bag.

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  1. Jack's Shack April 8, 2007 at 6:41 am

    We’ll be looking for it on YouTube next year.

    It will be incredible. 😉


    Good idea.

  2. Chana April 8, 2007 at 3:53 am

    Boils – ping pong balls to stick to the hot sauce!

    Those people just don’t get invited back. Or we get ourselves invited somewhere else so we don’t have to deal with them. Includes in-laws. If you can’t take one night out of your year to take a seder seriously (appropriate jokes are fine) then go do your thing at Hoggy’s cv’s…

  3. orieyenta April 6, 2007 at 4:21 pm

    Now *THAT* would certainly make an interesting seder. We’ll be looking for it on YouTube next year.

  4. Jack's Shack April 6, 2007 at 3:16 pm


    Fortunately that was only one night.


    I don’t mind jokes. All I ask is that people be able to know when to be serious too.

    What I don’t understand is why people who clearly despise the holiday feel that they have to attend the seder.

    No one is forcing them to come. They should stay home. They’ll be happier and I won’t have to make them my Seder B*tch.


    Call me Pinchas. 😉

  5. Miriam L April 6, 2007 at 3:05 pm

    Chag kasher v’don’t kill anyone.

  6. Paula April 6, 2007 at 1:14 pm

    Sounds like the seders at my SIL’s, where some wanted to seriously read the story, others wanted to skip parts and hurry up already, and still others insisted on making jokes. We don’t get invited anymore. Oh, boohoo. (We were the jokers.)

  7. The Babka Nosher April 6, 2007 at 12:39 pm

    It sounds like you had a fun seder. I get to sit by my brother who calls me Super Jew all night. Gotta love it.

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