I Killed The Easter Bunny
There is a saying that goes along the lines of “People Plan and God Laughs.” Typically you hear that sort of remark just after you finish telling your pal about how all of your hopes and dreams have gone to shit. It is a real feel good kind of remark. Personally I think that it ranks up there with telling a mourner that God has a plan for their wife/husband/son/daughter etc.
If you have spent any time here at all you know that I just love dealing with the holiday season.
Those are just a couple of posts in which I express my disdain for the chaos surrounding this time. Someone once asked me why I picked on Santa and not someone like Judah Maccabee. Well the answer is pretty simple.
Santa is a jolly old fat man who is easily fooled by using the Moe from the Three Stooges school of fighting. Judah is a warrior who carries a sword and knows how to use it. What do you think I am? Crazy yes, stupid no.
Ok, ok, ok, if it makes you feel better I’ll give the hammer a run for his money. He is not the only grumpy old man around here, but I digress.
Earlier in the week I was forced to venture over to the local shopping center to acquire a few items. Thanks to the joy that is spring break the place was overflowing with screaming teens and more mothers with strollers than you can shake a stick at. That place was chock full of nuts and in a short time I was beside myself.
I know that if they ever figure out how to clone people I am going to have three more made of myself so that I can send the boys out to run errands for me. Why should I be forced to contend with all this mishigahs.
Deep in the heart of the beast they call The Mall there was a booth with people and a six foot tall rabbit who unfortunately was not named Harvey nor Bugs. All around the booth there were people trying to usher parents and their young children inside so that they could take picture with the freaking rabbit.
As my son and I approached we were accosted by at least three people with clipboards. Each one waved their arms at me and said that I should take advantage of their special rate on pictures. For a moment I considered the various options at my disposal. Some of them were so far over the top as to be ridiculous.
See I played around with grabbing the dumb rabbit, tying him/her/it up and shipping it out to a field where it would be tethered to a stake and slathered in fresh blood. I turned that down because it wasn’t original enough.
Then I thought about setting up an elaborate sting operation using real bees. It seemed simple enough. I even know who has plenty o’bees but then I decided that was too much work.
Little did I know that he freaking rabbit had esp because before I knew it the creature had leapt over the rail and begun an all out assault upon my person. It was an epic struggle that wont soon be forgotten. No sir, three days later they were still talking about the guy who knocked out the Easter Bunny’s teeth with the fake eggs that were plastered around the photo booth.
Ok, none of this actually happened. I didn’t have a fight with a man in a bunny suit. I didn’t even see a photo booth. This was just a ridiculous post that never managed to make the leap from ridiculous to semi-respectable.