I Am A Gambler

Earlier today I saw a post in which someone remarked that they don’t like blogs that are personal in nature. I found that to be kind of funny/interesting. I suppose that it is because my blog is so personal. It is my laughing place. It is my Tara, my place I come to think and express my thoughts.

It is not the only place that I call home. It is not my only refuge. I find my basketball games to be quite calming. I thrive on the competition. I love to rebound. I think that Charles Barkley said that rebounding is all about having a stronger desire to get the ball than the other guy. It doesn’t matter who said it, all I know is that I love to do it.

It is my coliseum. It is my place to test my will against that of the other man. Younger, stronger, bigger, taller or otherwise. It makes no difference. Rebounding is about effort. It is about little details. You need to track the ball, anticipate where it is going to go and then plot the fastest way to get there. It is about determining how to best use your body to get in between the other players and the ball. It is about determining how much risk to take.

At one month short of 38 I can say that I am a gambler. If I am playing Hearts I love to shoot the moon. I love the thrill of testing the limit. I love to chase the dragon’s tail. But then again there is a coward inside of me who hides from the sun. There is that guy that listens to the whisper of insecurity.

That guy lives right next to the boy who wants to be the hero. That guy lives next to the boy who sails the stars. He is always watching and forever waiting. When things don’t go right he is there to chastise and berate me.

Most of the time I can shush him. Most of the time I can tell him to STFU and mean it. But sometimes I just can’t gather up enough confidence to make it happen.

Over time I have learned how to handle those moments. I have learned how to open that dark closet and step inside. I enter the room and let the shadows have their way. More often than not I realize that they don’t have any power that I haven’t given them and then I remember how to find my way home.

I am a very lucky man. I look around and I see many who are not as fortunate as I. It is not always easy to remember how good I have it, but each day is a blessing. It doesn’t matter whether you believe in God or not. One day we’ll learn the truth of that.

In the end it comes down to who you are and what you surround yourself with. That last line may sound like a lot of hokum, but it works for me.

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