Dear Laker Management,
It has become apparent that the Lakers are in dire need of the services of an almost 38 year-old Jewish guy who can’t jump any more, doesn’t shoot all that well and isn’t particularly fast. The last time I wrote you was in the early ’90s.
Back in those days I still didn’t shoot all that well but I could still jump. Every now and then I managed to get a hand on the rim. Not only that but I had fast hands and good foot speed. A speedy point guard might have taken me off of the dribble but I always had a way to recover.
But that was then. Now I fill out my uniform in a slightly different way. If you photograph me from the chest up you won’t notice that much of a difference.
Let me cut to the chase. The current team is lacking in many areas. I know that many of the players are banged up. I can see that they aren’t quite 100 percent, but that doesn’t excuse the lack of fire.
I can bring all that and more. I am a hustle player. I can provide that energy, that missing spark. For a paltry $500,000 I’ll come off of the bench and give you everything I have got. I’ll leave it all on the floor. I can still set a pick that will make your teeth rattle, I can box out and I can rebound.
I can’t promise that signing me will bring a championship, but I can guarantee that no one will ever accuse my team of mailing it in.
Think about it. It is more than a great PR move. At $500,000 my services are a steal. I look forward to hearing back from you.