I am a dreamer. I always have been. My mother says that my preschool teacher was certain that I would grow up to be some kind of writer because I was always coming up with stories. I may not work as a full time writer but I still lay claim to the title.
If I had a decent singing voice I might call myself a bard or jester. I wouldn’t want to be a jester for a king. I do a good job of making people laugh, but I hate being told what to do. The first time the king pissed me off I’d stop juggling long enough to fling something heavy at his melon.
I have several evening rituals. On my way to bed I stop to check on my children. In the dark I tell them again how much I love them and then I take a moment to watch them sleep. I don’t think that I sleep that way anymore. You know, that carefree deep sleep of a child.
As I stand there I cannot help but wonder what they are going to be like when they are grown up. What will they look like, what kind of work will they do etc. Mostly I pray that they are happy people of character and integrity.
And then sometimes I think about my own life. It is not that I am unhappy or unfulfilled. On both a superficial and deep level I am pretty close, but there are some gaps. I stop to think about some of the choices I have made. I look at the road not taken and wonder what else could be out there.
What if I had made aliyah. What if I had decided to go to law school or to have become a doctor. There are other thoughts there as well.
Sometimes I wonder about my choices. Sometimes I look at the challenges that I have undertaken and wonder if I have been fair to my kids. Starting new businesses involves a certain amount of risk. Is it fair to involve them? I could have taken a more stable path and perhaps made life better.
OTOH, if the risk pays off the rewards are great. Those could translate into some incredible benefits.
In a little more than two weeks I’ll be 38. Is this who I am. Am I going to be this guy for the rest of my life. He is not a bad guy, but is this it. It is not a midlife crisis. My family is full of people who live into their late 90’s and beyond.
Part of the reason I want to live to be a thousand years old is because there is so much that I want to do. So many skills to learn and master and so little time.
So much to see and so little time. Am I crazy for wanting more.
(Editor’s note: Pictures added on 4/22/16 but the text was left alone.)