Unsettled, Unsatisfied, Unyielding

Sometimes the words flow freely and sometimes they come out in a trickle. I blog to vent. I blog to escape the small irritants that aggravate me. I blog to share my pain and express it in a way that helps me to understand who I am and what I am about.

I blog because I am unsettled, unsatisfied and unyielding in my search for the things that provide meaning and substance in my life. The blog is my secret world. It is a place where I share my hopes and dreams. It is where I admit my weaknesses and sometimes roar in anger.

Some of what I write embarrasses me. It is too raw. It is too personal. It is too emotional and it leaves me feeling too vulnerable. So I erase it. I delete it. I make jokes about it. I pretend that it doesn’t bother me. And sometimes that works.

Sometimes I don’t like what I write because it sounds ridiculous. Sometimes I read it and wonder am I really this big a moron. Sometimes I think that I should just suck it up and live.

And then I read it again and see it differently. I take a look at almost four years of an online diary of my life and I realize that I have made more progress than I had thought. I look at almost four years and I wonder how so much could have happened in such a short time.

Sometimes I laugh at what I have written. Sometimes it is funny and sometimes it reminds me of something funny.

I never cease to be amazed that people read this with the startling regularity that some of you exhibit day in and day out. The blogosphere continues to give me more back than I give and I am grateful for it.

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