It Is Going To Hurt When I Hit Bottom

The four year blogiversary is fast approaching. In a short time I am going to sit down and try and write a post that is appropriate for that day. I’ll try to be eloquent and insightful. I’ll do my best to be profound and to demonstrate that I have learned something.

Can’t say if I’ll succeed. Can’t say if it will accomplish what I want or hope it will. We’ll see.

Had a long talk with my dad today, kind of a state of the union for me. He sat and listened and gave me the same advice I have heard all of my entire life. “You can’t do anything other than try your best and sometimes that won’t be enough.”

I hate to fall. I hate to fail. Took some risks and it looks like they may not materialize. Can’t say for certain if they’re going to fail, but it doesn’t really look like they are going to succeed either.

It feels a bit like standing on a bed of nails. I can feel the sharp edge poking against my feet. It doesn’t hurt, but it is clear that if I stumble I am going to find myself in a world of hurt. It will be more than a gentle prick.

I am more than excited. I am terribly frightened that this time I really blew it and at the same time I am intrigued. Is it ego, is it bravado that drives me. If I can pull this off it will be something special and if not, well it is going to really hurt when I fall. I can’t keep the balancing act going much longer.

If you asked me to draw/paint a picture of what is happening in my head I’d tell you to picture a battlefield. I am surrounded by enemies. Covered in blood and gore all I can do is use my sword and my ability to try and survive. It doesn’t look good. It doesn’t look like anyone is going to come ride to my rescue.

Force of will is what is going to make the difference. If I want to survive it will be through sheer determination, too stubborn to lie down and die.

It sounds goofy, but it is an accurate representation. The challenge is to do my best not to be overwhelmed by it all. And right now that is an enormous task.

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