Dad, I Need A Phone
It is official, karma is trying to kick me in the ass with a size twelve boot. That little dark haired beauty of mine is determined to make me lose all of my hair. I could provide you with a list of 17 different things she has done recently, but that my cause my cerebral cortex to implode.
And while that does sound vaguely attractive I think that for now I’ll do what I can to maintain it. Instead I’ll share bits and pieces of recent events and perhaps that will suffice.
Let’s dive right in and hit the conversation of this morning in which she asked me to buy her a cellphone.
Daughter: Daddy, I want a phone
Me: You have a toy phone.
Daughter: No, I want a real phone.
Me: Why do you need one?
Daughter: To talk to my friends.
Me: Can you pretend to talk to them?
Daughter: Sometimes, I can. But that gets boring.
Me: What do you want to talk to them about?
Daughter: Princesses, and girl stuff.
Me: What is girl stuff?
Daughter: I can’t tell you.
Me: Why not?
Daughter: Because you are not a girl.
Me: What if I talk like this (said in a falsetto).
Daughter: Silly daddy.
Me: That’s me.
Daughter: Can I have money?
Me: Why?
Daughter: So I can buy a phone.
Me: Who do you want to speak with?
Daughter: Sammy, Olivia, Talia, David and Max.
Me: I thought that you want to talk to your friends. David and Max are boys.
Daughter: I know that.
Me: Oh, how do you know that.
Daughter: I saw David’s penis.
Me: When did you see it and why?
Daughter: At David’s swim party. His mommy helped him change into his bathing suit.
Me: What were you doing in his room?
Daughter: I wasn’t in his room.
Me: Where were you?
Daughter: At the pool silly daddy. ( Did I mention that she giggles when she says that.)
Me: His mommy let him change at the pool.
Daughter: He doesn’t look like you.
Me: Oh really.
Daughter: No, he doesn’t have hair all over his body like you do.
Me: I suppose not.
Daughter: Girls get hair.
Me: Yes, girls get a lot of hair. You have beautiful hair, it is long and curly.
Daughter: Silly daddy. Girls get hair in their crotch. I saw mommy’s.
Me: You’re right. One day it will happen to you, but that is a long, long time from now.
Daughter: Do you brush your hair?
Me: Yes, I brush my hair.
Daughter: I have only seen your brush the hair on your head. What about your other hair?
Me: Want to play Candyland?
Daughter: Mommy says you have to brush all of your hair. If you don’t it is going to get tangled. Want me to get your hairbrush. If you brush it now I’ll sing a song to make you happy.
Me: I think that I am ok.
Right about now Robby the Robot should be yelling “Danger Will Robinson! Danger Will Robinson!
Daughter: What about the phone?
Me: Are we still talking about that. The answer is that you don’t need a phone. Your four years-old.
Daughter: I don’t want a big one, just a little one.
Me: No, four year-old girls do not need a real phone.
Daughter: Olivia’s mommy broke her phone. If I had a phone, then mommy could borrow mine.
Me: Mommy’s phone works.
Daughter: But she might break it.
Me: I think that I have to go get some milk.
Daughter: Mommy already bought some.
Me: Ok, then I’ll get a challah.
Daughter: Mommy got one of those too.
Me: Ok, I need to get some air.
Daughter: I see you breathing.
Me: &$U$#$$*^$
Daughter: Daddy, where are you going?
Me: The desert or the mountains or an island. Oy.
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