Jack & The "Mortgage Broker"
One of the benefits to having a home office is the opportunity to interact with the fine fellows who call my home. If you’re one of the 17 long term readers you know that I am not adverse to interacting with telemarketers.
I suppose that it might be considered a bit unfair to play this way, but I find them to be a never ending source of fun. In part it is because I am consistently amazed by the reactions or lack thereof I get to some of the comments I make. I suspect that it is because some of them are bored and with others it is because they don’t understand English well enough to follow what is going on.
Here is a recap of a recent conversation:
Mortgage Broker: I am calling for Mr. Jack. May I speak with him?
Jack: This is his personal assistant. Who should I say is calling?
Mortgage Broker: Tell him it is me.
Jack: You want me to say that it is me. He’ll be confused if I say it is me calling.
Mortgage Broker: Sorry sir, I am only playing fun with you. Tell him it is John from Marin calling about his mortgage.
Jack: How do you play fun?
Mortgage Broker: It is an expression, like we are having very good times talking.
Jack: Ok, John. Are you sure that you’re name is John?
Mortgage Broker: Yes, I am sure. Please get Mr. Jack.
Jack: Hello, this is Mr. Jack.
Mortgage Broker: Are you sure? You sound a lot like his personal assistant.
Jack: And you sound like someone who is about to hear a dial tone. Talk to me.
Mortgage Broker: I am calling because you are paying too much for your mortgage.
Jack: That is not what the bank says.
Mortgage Broker: Sir, I am prepared to help you with a loan modification program.
Jack: Is this like body modification, I don’t want any piercings.
Mortgage Broker: No, we can help you save money by giving you a better loan.
Jack: Can you get me a bigger house?
Mortgage Broker: Would you like a bigger house?
Jack: Absolutely. The Shmata Queen likes a big room to romp in.
Mortgage Broker: What sort of romping do you do?
Jack: Did you just ask me what sort of romping The Shmata Queen and I are doing?
Mortgage Broker: Yes sir, what sort of romping do you do? If I understand better I can provide better assistance.
Jack: Well that is sort of a personal question, but I guess that I can answer. The best thing to do is to pull out your copy of the Kama Sutra and turn to page 376. Follow the diagrams there.
Mortgage Broker: Oh sir, you misunderstand me. I am not asking to have sex with you.
Jack: That is good, because I am not offering.
Mortgage Broker: I apologize.
Jack: Ok. What is it that you want to talk about?
Mortgage Broker: We want to give you a better interest rate on your mortgage.
Jack: Ok. What is my rate?
Mortgage Broker: I don’t know.
Jack: You just called me and said that you can give me a better rate and you don’t know what my rate is.
Mortgage Broker: No, I need you tell me what your current rate is.
Jack: I am disappointed. First you ask about my romping and now the whole interest thing.
Mortgage Broker: Sir, you misunderstand me. Tell me more about your interest and romping and I’ll be better able to assist you.
Jack: I am a healthy man with a healthy interest in romping, but I still fail to see how that is any of your business. Where in Marin are you? I don’t think you are really there.
Mortgage Broker: I am in Marin in an office.
Jack: Is it the big red building on State Street. The one that has all the cubicles in it. You know, each cubicle has a desk, a telephone and a computer.
Mortgage Broker: Yes, that is the one.
Jack: Oh, that building. It also has a small store on the first floor that sells cards, candy and newspapers. It is the one that Babe Ruth runs.
Mortgage Broker: Yes, that is it.
Jack: Hah, Marin isn’t a city. It is a county.
Mortgage Broker: Click, followed by a dial tone.
I was surprised that he hung on for the full five minutes. Where do they get these people anyway.