Selling Services To Telemarketers

Hi kids,

As many of you know I sometimes play with telemarketers. I can’t say that there is any rhyme or reason to it. It sort of depends on my mood and the approach of the telemarketer. There are some really good people out there who are just doing their job and then there are those who have all of the capabilities of an aussie bagel. No matter how hard they try they just aren’t capable of getting it done.

But like I said, sometimes you find a gem and you end up with great blog fodder such as:

Sorry The Owner Is In Lebanon 
More Fun with Telemarketers

Recently I decided to try a new tack with the telemarketers. I try to sell them life insurance, or some other service. Thus far it has been kind of fun. You should hear the surprise in their voice when I answer their sales pitch with one of my own.

And every now and then you find someone who has a little spunk of their own.

Telemarketer: Can I speak with Mr. Shack please?
Jack: I am not sure if he is available. Is he expecting your call?

Telemarketer: I have some very important news to give him.
Jack: That doesn’t tell me anything. Do you know Mr. Shack?

Telemarketer: It is very important that I speak with him now.
Jack: It is very important that you tell me who you are.

Telemarketer: Sir, Mr. Shack is going to be quite cross if you don’t connect us.
Jack: Actually he is more of a Magen David.

Telemarketer: Would you please find him for me?
Jack: He is not lost.

Telemarketer: Son. Your father is going to be quite angry if you play games with me.
Jack: What kind of games do you like to play?

Telemarketer: Please put your father on.
Jack: Hang on. Let me see if he has finished slaughtering my pet cow. Money has been awfully tight around here. We’re going to miss old Bessie.

Telemarketer: Do you live on a farm?
Jack: Yes. It is a fun farm.

Telemarketer: Do you know that funny farm is a nickname for a hospital.
Jack: You’d have to be crazy to say something silly like that. Hang on, I hear my father coming in now.

I put the phone down and yell “Dad!” Then after a brief pause I pick it up and say hello.

Telemarketer: Mr. Shack I have very good news for you.
Jack: Are you with the lottery?

Telemarketer: No I am not with the lottery.
Jack: How about that Ed Mcmahon guy, you know Publisher’s Clearinghouse.

Telemarketer: No. I am not with them either.
Jack: Do you carry life insurance?

Telemarketer: I do, but that is not the purpose of my call.
Jack: Hang on a second, no one wants to believe that they are going to die, but believe you me. One day you’re going to be just another ground monkey. What is your family going to do then. How are they going to eat.

Telemarketer: I appreciate that but…
Jack: Appreciate isn’t going to pay the bills. Tell me about yourself. How old are you? Are you married, do you have children, do you rent or own?

Telemarketer: Sir, if I can take a moment of your time…
Jack: Just relax. Everyone gets nervous. Answer the questions slowly. Perhaps it might help if you write them down. I can hold on while you get a pen and paper.

Telemarketer: I have a pen, paper and a computer.
Jack: You don’t need all three. Just use whatever is easiest.

Telemarketer: I think that I am going to have to say goodbye.
Jack: You just said the magic words: “Good Buy.” That is all I offer, “good buys.” Why don’t we discuss a plan that will provide enough cash to cover your mortgage and a couple of bucks for the wife and kids to live on.

Telemarketer: I think that you misunderstood me. I have a service that you might be interested in.
Jack: A service? You mean like customer service?

Telemarketer: Excellent customer service is something that I strive to provide.
Jack: Hey fella, if you are applying for a job I am going to need for you to send over a resume first.

Telemarketer: I already have a job.
Jack: But do you have a career. Why settle for a job when you can have more,.

Telemarketer: I am sorry. I am really going to have to hang up.
Jack: Just give me five more minutes and I am sure I can explain to you why our policies are superior to the other guys.

Click.

Jack & The "Mortgage Broker"

One of the benefits to having a home office is the opportunity to interact with the fine fellows who call my home. If you’re one of the 17 long term readers you know that I am not adverse to interacting with telemarketers.

I suppose that it might be considered a bit unfair to play this way, but I find them to be a never ending source of fun. In part it is because I am consistently amazed by the reactions or lack thereof I get to some of the comments I make. I suspect that it is because some of them are bored and with others it is because they don’t understand English well enough to follow what is going on.

Here is a recap of a recent conversation:

Jack: Hello.
Mortgage Broker: I am calling for Mr. Jack. May I speak with him?

Jack: This is his personal assistant. Who should I say is calling?
Mortgage Broker: Tell him it is me.

Jack: You want me to say that it is me. He’ll be confused if I say it is me calling.
Mortgage Broker: Sorry sir, I am only playing fun with you. Tell him it is John from Marin calling about his mortgage.

Jack: How do you play fun?
Mortgage Broker: It is an expression, like we are having very good times talking.

Jack: Ok, John. Are you sure that you’re name is John?
Mortgage Broker: Yes, I am sure. Please get Mr. Jack.

Jack: Hello, this is Mr. Jack.
Mortgage Broker: Are you sure? You sound a lot like his personal assistant.

Jack: And you sound like someone who is about to hear a dial tone. Talk to me.
Mortgage Broker: I am calling because you are paying too much for your mortgage.

Jack: That is not what the bank says.
Mortgage Broker: Sir, I am prepared to help you with a loan modification program.

Jack: Is this like body modification, I don’t want any piercings.
Mortgage Broker: No, we can help you save money by giving you a better loan.

Jack: Can you get me a bigger house?
Mortgage Broker: Would you like a bigger house?

Jack: Absolutely. The Shmata Queen likes a big room to romp in.
Mortgage Broker: What sort of romping do you do?

Jack: Did you just ask me what sort of romping The Shmata Queen and I are doing?
Mortgage Broker: Yes sir, what sort of romping do you do? If I understand better I can provide better assistance.

Jack: Well that is sort of a personal question, but I guess that I can answer. The best thing to do is to pull out your copy of the Kama Sutra and turn to page 376. Follow the diagrams there.
Mortgage Broker: Oh sir, you misunderstand me. I am not asking to have sex with you.

Jack: That is good, because I am not offering.
Mortgage Broker: I apologize.

Jack: Ok. What is it that you want to talk about?
Mortgage Broker: We want to give you a better interest rate on your mortgage.

Jack: Ok. What is my rate?
Mortgage Broker: I don’t know.

Jack: You just called me and said that you can give me a better rate and you don’t know what my rate is.
Mortgage Broker: No, I need you tell me what your current rate is.

Jack: I am disappointed. First you ask about my romping and now the whole interest thing.
Mortgage Broker: Sir, you misunderstand me. Tell me more about your interest and romping and I’ll be better able to assist you.

Jack: I am a healthy man with a healthy interest in romping, but I still fail to see how that is any of your business. Where in Marin are you? I don’t think you are really there.
Mortgage Broker: I am in Marin in an office.

Jack: Is it the big red building on State Street. The one that has all the cubicles in it. You know, each cubicle has a desk, a telephone and a computer.
Mortgage Broker: Yes, that is the one.

Jack: Oh, that building. It also has a small store on the first floor that sells cards, candy and newspapers. It is the one that Babe Ruth runs.
Mortgage Broker: Yes, that is it.

Jack: Hah, Marin isn’t a city. It is a county.
Mortgage Broker: Click, followed by a dial tone.

I was surprised that he hung on for the full five minutes. Where do they get these people anyway.

Selling Services To Telemarketer

Hi kids,

As many of you know I sometimes play with telemarketers. I can’t say that there is any rhyme or reason to it. It sort of depends on my mood and the approach of the telemarketer. There are some really good people out there who are just doing their job and then there are those who have all of the capabilities of an aussie bagel. No matter how hard they try they just aren’t capable of getting it done.

But like I said, sometimes you find a gem and you end up with great blog fodder such as:

Sorry The Owner Is In Lebanon

More Fun with Telemarketers

Recently I decided to try a new tack with the telemarketers. I try to sell them life insurance, or some other service. Thus far it has been kind of fun. You should hear the surprise in their voice when I answer their sales pitch with one of my own.

And every now and then you find someone who has a little spunk of their own.

Telemarketer: Can I speak with Mr. Shack please?
Jack: I am not sure if he is available. Is he expecting your call?

Telemarketer: I have some very important news to give him.
Jack: That doesn’t tell me anything. Do you know Mr. Shack?

Telemarketer: It is very important that I speak with him now.
Jack: It is very important that you tell me who you are.

Telemarketer: Sir, Mr. Shack is going to be quite cross if you don’t connect us.
Jack: Actually he is more of a Magen David.

Telemarketer: Would you please find him for me?
Jack: He is not lost.

Telemarketer: Son. Your father is going to be quite angry if you play games with me.
Jack: What kind of games do you like to play?

Telemarketer: Please put your father on.
Jack: Hang on. Let me see if he has finished slaughtering my pet cow. Money has been awfully tight around here. We’re going to miss old Bessie.

Telemarketer: Do you live on a farm?
Jack: Yes. It is a fun farm.

Telemarketer: Do you know that funny farm is a nickname for a hospital.
Jack: You’d have to be crazy to say something silly like that. Hang on, I hear my father coming in now.

I put the phone down and yell “Dad!” Then after a brief pause I pick it up and say hello.

Telemarketer: Mr. Shack I have very good news for you.
Jack: Are you with the lottery?

Telemarketer: No I am not with the lottery.
Jack: How about that Ed Mcmahon guy, you know Publisher’s Clearinghouse.

Telemarketer: No. I am not with them either.
Jack: Do you carry life insurance?

Telemarketer: I do, but that is not the purpose of my call.
Jack: Hang on a second, no one wants to believe that they are going to die, but believe you me. One day you’re going to be just another ground monkey. What is your family going to do then. How are they going to eat.

Telemarketer: I appreciate that but…
Jack: Appreciate isn’t going to pay the bills. Tell me about yourself. How old are you? Are you married, do you have children, do you rent or own?

Telemarketer: Sir, if I can take a moment of your time…
Jack: Just relax. Everyone gets nervous. Answer the questions slowly. Perhaps it might help if you write them down. I can hold on while you get a pen and paper.

Telemarketer: I have a pen, paper and a computer.
Jack: You don’t need all three. Just use whatever is easiest.

Telemarketer: I think that I am going to have to say goodbye.
Jack: You just said the magic words: “Good Buy.” That is all I offer, “good buys.” Why don’t we discuss a plan that will provide enough cash to cover your mortgage and a couple of bucks for the wife and kids to live on.

Telemarketer: I think that you misunderstood me. I have a service that you might be interested in.
Jack: A service? You mean like customer service?

Telemarketer: Excellent customer service is something that I strive to provide.
Jack: Hey fella, if you are applying for a job I am going to need for you to send over a resume first.

Telemarketer: I already have a job.
Jack: But do you have a career. Why settle for a job when you can have more,.

Telemarketer: I am sorry. I am really going to have to hang up.
Jack: Just give me five more minutes and I am sure I can explain to you why our policies are superior to the other guys.

Click.