Archives for July 2009
I HATE seeing parents use a leash on their children. They are not animals.
A Great Cover Letter
Here is another example of an effective cover letter.
Dear Mr. Johnson,
Many years ago in a galaxy far, far away there was simple farmer named Luke. I am not talking about the Luke Duke who drove the General Lee, but the man who blew up the Death Star and defeated the emperor.
Those are pretty big accomplishments for a simple farmer. I can be that guy for you. All you have to do is hire me and I can be your Luke. That is a pretty good deal for you because that would make you Obi Wan-Kenobi. Of course I can’t promise you that I’ll save you from Darth Vader or anyone going postal in the office.
In fact if someone freaks out I just might hide in a cubicle. But the good news is that I am a pretty good shot with rubber bands and paper clips. So if you keep me supplied I might be able to shoot someone in the eye. So in reality that is of benefit to you.
Let’s take a moment to review some of the other reasons why it would be stupid not to hire me.
The class of 1986 voted me Most Likely to Drive an Ice Cream Truck. That is the kind of honor that not everyone receives. It is proof that they believed that I would be great at running my own franchise and that I am conscientious worker. Not everyone can keep the ice cream from melting or do simple math. Give me a $1.50 for a Bomb Pop and I’ll give you proper change, unless of course you charge $1.65 in which case I’ll ask you for more money.
As a boy scout I always won the campfire contest. That is the one where you are tested to see who can start a fire the fastest. Not every carries a Bic Lighter and some hair spray around, but I do because you never know when you might need a fire.
I am really good at microwaving popcorn. Not everyone knows how to do it, but I do. I won’t make the office stink. Unless you take me out for Mexican food or feed me dairy. But heck, lactose intolerance is a certifiable medical condition. And since you are a professional you must know that we all deal with occasional bouts of flatulence. That is why I like to play the radio at my desk, so that no one has to listen to uncomfortable noises.
Unlike other employees I won’t lie about why I am missing work. Sometimes I just don’t feel like coming in, we all need personal time. I am sure that you agree that this is the sort of honesty your company needs.
Which I suppose is why you really don’t need to interview anyone else for the job. Really, you should just call me and tell me when I can come in to sign papers. Probably better to do it sooner so that my medical benefits kick in. That way I can be sure to bring you a real doctor’s note when I am out sick.
Do you see how I just proved my honesty again. I won’t fake a doctor’s note, I’ll get you a real one that you can show everyone so that when I am out on disability no one feels badly. Anyway, it sounds like we have worked most of this out. Call me and I’ll tell you what bank I use so that we can set up a direct deposit account.
Thank you for being so cool. I look forward to coming in. May the Force be with you.
Sincerely,
Jack, the guy who can’t wait to be your Luke.
Things That Irritate Me
Apparently I am doing an excellent job of becoming a ripe old bastard, a curmudgeon of the finest order. I know this because of the growing list of things that irritate the hell out of me. You may consider this a work in progress.
- I hate The Sound of Music. It grinds on my nerves.
- Names that rhyme with Artie. Sorry if that includes you, but you can blame your parents.
- People that know that I am Jewish and ask me if I miss Christmas. Never had it, don’t need it, want it or miss it. I don’t ask them if they miss fasting on Yom Kippur.
- Jughandles- The state of New Jersey needs to dedicate some serious time and money on correcting that problem.
- The D.H.
- Drivers who don’t signal before they turn.
- Drivers who never turn their turn signals off.
- Drivers who force the rest of to listen to their music. I hate that thumping bass, one day I am going to invent a car stereo jammer and that will fix it.
- People who flush the toilet/urinal with their feet. Listen jackass, I know that you are concerned about germs, but you’re not helping the problem.
- Brussel Sprouts- It is a foul vegetable.
- Cats- Damn animals are obnoxious. World would be better if they were all throw rugs.
- The French tourist who complained that he couldn’t understand me. Listen Frenchy, you are in Los Angeles. I am not supposed to be able to speak perfect French. If I come to Paris you can be certain I won’t complain that you don’t speak English.
- The Celtics and The Pistons. (Cavs aren’t included because they haven’t done anything ever. Sorry Ezzie.)
- The Patriots and Boston Fans who think that Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback ever. He is not and it is unlikely that he ever will be.
- Bloggers that think that is cool to wRiTe LiKe ThIs.
- People who send emails in ALL CAPS. Work with me people, it is 2009. Email is not new anymore.
- You can add grown ups who send emails that read something like What R U Doing? Spell it out. It doesn’t take any longer and you won’t look like a complete idiot.
- People who think that the world starts and finishes in Manhattan.
- Vista is bad, but so is listening to the cult of Apple Fanatics. WTF do they put in those units to make you act this way. I sometimes wonder if they secretly inject you with heroin or some sort of stupid pill.
- People who blame one political party for the ills of the world. That covers both sides. Not interested in listening to how the Democrats/Republicans are why things are bad.
- People who try to say that the point is mute. There is no sound involved in this, it is moot dammit.
Sailing in Uncharted Waters
Sometimes I feel a bit like Max from Where The Wild Things Are. If you are a purist you may not be as appreciative of the trailer as I am, but for the purposes of this post it is excellent. It does a good job of helping to graphically illustrate some of my thoughts and feelings.
There is a feeling that sometimes comes upon me. It is a sense of being chased. I can’t quite make out who or what it is, but I know that if I turn around and wait for it there is a good chance that it just might be there. I have mixed emotions about it. Sometimes it is a sense of dread and foreboding and I want to take off running.
Not unlike the way you see Max running through the woods, so I can see myself. I can smell the forest and hear the crunch of leaves and twigs beneath my feet. There are moments where I think that if I start running like that I won’t ever tire and I won’t ever stop. The sun will rise and the sun will set and Jack will still be running. Sunlight, moonlight or twilight- it just won’t matter because I’ll keep going.
But then again that feeling of dread and uncertainty makes me angry. It frustrates me and for lack of a better description, I find myself preparing for battle. I don’t seek out confrontation, nor do I hide from it. And the idea of picking the time and place for battle suits me. That graphic imagination pictures me locating a place to take a stand and then doing all that it takes to hold my position for as long as I can.
It is easy to envision. I can hear the birds chirping and the sounds of animals moving through the woods. Suddenly it is silent and the air becomes still. At that moment I brace myself for the roar of the creatures that will come pouring out from the trees. The sound of birds singing will be replaced with the cacophony of swords crashing into each other and the grunting of those who swing them.
See what it is like to live with a graphic imagination.
And then again I can picture myself sailing through uncharted waters. Some days the sea will be calm and I’ll gaze in wonder at a moonlit sky populated by more stars than you imagine. Other times all my skill will be devoted to surviving the raging storm. Waves will come crashing down upon me and it will be all I can do to keep from capsizing or being swept over board.
I suppose that it is fair to say that I do feel a bit like I am sailing through uncharted waters. There are things going on that are unsettling and it is harder to try to maintain balance and perspective. That is not to suggest that the challenges that I face are unique, unusual or particularly different from others.
They are not and I have never tried to paint them as being otherwise. But as I have said many times it is always easier to fix someone another person’s problems. Since they belong to me they are my responsibility and consequently a bit trickier.
So here I sit peering through the fog and haze trying to determine what the best path ahead is. Someone told me that we missed our window of opportunity and I have to ask myself is that really true or is there another path that we have missed. It reminds me a bit of chess and Algebra.
Many years ago I used to play chess several times a week with a friend. Oftentimes he would lose because he would forget that not every chess piece was limited to moving front and back, or side to side. Some of them could move diagonally. In essence it meant that you always had to pay attention the full board because if you allowed yourself to ignore a section you could quickly find yourself in trouble.
The relationship to Algebra comes to mind because of an experience I had in high school. I didn’t always understand how the teacher taught us to solve certain equations. But I was often able to come up with an alternative that provided the correct answer. That didn’t always serve me well because my teacher liked to tell me that there were scenarios in which my solution wouldn’t work but that his always would because it was more universal in nature.
I always suspected that he just didn’t like my figuring out how to do it without him. I’d ask him but he apparently died at a relatively young age of heart disease.
Anyway, the real point here is this. I don’t give up on things easily. I think that there are many different paths that can be taken to meet our objectives and that sometimes it just takes a bit of doing to see how to reach that place. Sometimes you don’t recognize the importance of it until your air has been removed and you find yourself choking. I am not choking, but I am gasping a bit.
So now to quote my son all I need to do is figure out a solution and save the day. I kind of like that term, save the day. And given a little bit of time I think that I just might figure out how to make it happen. Life is like that chess board. I don’t have to attack everything head on, sometimes coming from an angle is really all it takes.
You Can’t Bully My Child Part II
Part one of this post is here.
I became a father sooner than most of the guys in my circle of good friends. As a result I have often found myself being used a resource that the other guys sometimes use for consultation on parenting issues.
Most of the time they are relatively simple questions dealing with issues that we have worked through already. During the course of these conversations I have been asked if I am worried about pedophiles or rapists. I always respond by saying yes, but I am not seriously bothered by it.
It is not that I don’t think that it can happen, but that it is not as common as other issues. The bullying is an excellent example of something that happens with more frequency. And it is a great example of the pain/frustration/anguish of parenting because no matter what you do you cannot insulate your child from the world. And the great fear is that somehow your child will be harmed because you failed.
But the reality is that you cannot view life through a black and white prism of success versus failure. There may be times when it is clear that your child was hurt because you failed, but more often than not you are not going to be blame. Things happen that are beyond your control.
Still, this doesn’t lessen the pain of watching tears stream down your child’s face because they are hurt. So you have to come up with a plan and we did. It is relatively simple and now we will see if it works.
The mothers had a discussion about the situation and it was made clear to the mother of this other boy that there is an issue. She in turn had her son call mine to apologize. During the conversation my son clearly expressed why he was angry and told the other boy that this cannot continue or there will be consequences.
I told my son that if things happen again he is to tell the other boy to stop, twice. If he doesn’t listen then I told him he is to defend himself. Furthermore I told him that if he hits him I expect him not to hold back. Hit him hard and then hit him again.
You see, the bullying wasn’t limited to words. This other boy smacked my son and pinned him down. So I haven’t any problem telling him that it is ok to hit him.
I hope that it doesn’t come to that point, but there are lines and limits that you cannot cross. The physical is one of them. We’ll see what happens, hopefully this is the end of it.
Still, I am sorry to see one more piece of his innocence taken away from him. Childhood ends far too quickly, no need to rush it.