This is part two of this post.
The pain of your absence is significant. The emptiness and the ache are more prevalent than not and sorrow has become a trusted companion.
I live alone and apart.
Bright blue skies surround me and the warmth of the sun embraces me but at times all I can feel is a bitter cold that shoots right through me. Sometimes tears come to my eyes, unbidden and unwelcome I fight them and force them back from whence they came.
My eyes are closed and I let my mind wander. I look for signs of your wrongdoing and seek evidence of misdeeds. I use these as kindle for a fire that I build inside. Angry flames build and for a moment I am granted sanctuary from the stark landscape that I otherwise inhabit.
The fire never lasts nor burns as brightly as its companion. The raging inferno that symbolizes the love I feel for you. It is a bonfire that consumes the anger and confuses me. I who never had trouble staying angry with others cannot seem to do so with you.
Something about you has disarmed me. I hate and love you for that. It is unfair to be placed in this position. Unfair to you and unfair to me.
I dove into the fire and swore that I would do so for you a thousand times. For years I have been swimming in this sea of flames. But in the past your presence made me invincible and oblivious to that which took place around me.
Still I go looking for you. Ever watchful and always aware I look for evidence of your presence. Sometimes I see you in our secret world. In the distance I watch as you dance alone and I remember the promises we made. The promise that no matter what we’d do what we had to do.
So I stand back silently watch your dance. So graceful, so elegant and at times so sad.
And in the silence I look inwards and see you staring back at me. Dark eyes and a mysterious smile greet me. I send out my soul and try to touch yours knowing that for now this is how it is and how it will be.
I laugh and I giggle.I scream and I swear at the absurdity of it all. Telephone in hand I dial your number but never let it ring.
I see you frequently and in the most unexpected places. For a moment my heart starts to pound. I can’t believe that you are here and I wonder how it happened that we could find ourselves wandering the aisles of the same store. And then I realize that it is not you.
Some days are easier than others. Some days I am so busy I don’t have time to realize that you aren’t here. But sooner or later I find myself alone in bed and I remember. So I close my eyes and whisper a silent message that I hope finds its way to your ears.
And in the midst of the craziness and the chaos I still have this belief that the separation is temporary, that we’ll find our way. And I hear you scoff and feel you shake your head. I see the list you made and hear you recite the reasons why not.
So I laugh and bring you into my arms. For a moment you resist and then you relent because we both know that some things can’t be stopped nor prevented. The world is not built on logic and reason. Life doesn’t operate based upon what is smart or convenient, it just moves along as it does.
So in spite of it all I wait. Not ready to hang up my cleats or give up. Not yet, not now. I am too tough, too stubborn with just the right amount of too stupid added in. And if you let me, I’ll love you a little bit longer.