Sometimes the words flow from my fingertips like water cascading down rocks. It is effortless. They pour forth and I am fully engaged in sharing the story I see inside my head. It reminds me of how things used to be with you and I. The days in which we couldn’t spend enough time together. The moments where we said I love you and knew that there was nothing that we wouldn’t do for each other.
I remember the feeling because it never really went away. It got buried and muddy beneath the weight of life’s distractions. Confusion and chaos set in because of circumstances. Things happened and a wedge split the two of us.
You ran and I chased you. I watched those long graceful legs propel you further and further away and I wondered how life could be so cruel. I had found the perfect match, the hand that was supposed to hold mine. I discovered the person who made me believe that anything was possible and then somehow I lost her.
It was a Greek tragedy of epic proportions.
For a long time I was mired in complete misery. I couldn’t conceive of how to live a life that didn’t include you as part of it. I wondered how you could turn your back on it all. It seemed all the more cruel to see you leave without so much as a tear rolling down your face.
I ached and I burned. You thought that I was exaggerating when I said you were perfect. You didn’t believe me when I said that you were my north star. You didn’t believe me when I told you that when times were rough all I had to do was remember that you were there and I knew that I would be ok.
When the ship set sail that last day I didn’t turn around to see if you were there to see me off. I was angry and hurt. I used that pain to try and prove that I had fooled myself. I fed the fire and thought of every hurtful thing you had done. I drew up a list of negative traits and almost convinced myself that you were a mistake, a myth and a dream.
But it didn’t work. It didn’t work because you were none of those things. It didn’t work because you are none of those things. It didn’t work because the love didn’t die or disappear. It didn’t work because it was all real. It didn’t work because I always knew that circumstances were the reason for the challenges we faced.
It wasn’t because I couldn’t stand you or that you couldn’t stand me. We didn’t grow apart. We grew frustrated.
And now that time has passed I see things. I know things. The mist has cleared and I understand. The anger has faded and again I can feel you as I know that you can feel me.
We used to laugh about how in sync we were. You’d dial my number and complain that my line was busy only to hang up and find out that it was busy because I had just left you a message. There are a million other signs and things that we can point to.
It is ok because I know what I know. I know who your heart belongs to. You know that I gave you mine a thousand years ago. It has always belonged to you, even when I didn’t know that it did.
Sometimes I feel like Odysseus fighting to get home. Sometimes I wonder if this isn’t like the challenges that Hercules had to face. I once wrote about how happiness was something that I couldn’t have :
“I might have hoped for salvation. Once I believed that I deserved better than this but now I understand that not to be so. Hades has issued his decree. I stand next to Sisyphus. Tantalus is my brother. Happiness is something that I can see but can’t reach.”
Much time has passed since then. I have been through more wars and successfully sailed through stormy seas and though my voyage hasn’t yet ended I feel like it is closer. More importantly I feel like you are closer. Though it might sound funny or strange to say that, it is how I feel.
I look forward to that day when I am allowed to come back home and see you again. Until that moment comes know that I think of you often and that no matter what happens I will find you.