Four years ago I wrote about the many layers of hell that are more commonly known as Costco and Trader Joe’s. Read that once and you’ll find yourself recoiling in shock and horror. You’ll wonder why I still go.
I can’t help myself, I must give into the siren song of these purveyors of fine products. I need my Joe’s O’s cereal and 27 pounds of flour. Let me reiterate, that is not want, but need. I need 2,987 rolls of toilet paper.
The stores are close to home. Just moments away from the ponderosa. I have gone there so many times I am surprised that I can’t stick the car on autopilot and let it take me there. The damn thing has cruise control, why not autopilot. Curse you Red Baron.
Yesterday afternoon I found myself in desperate need of some items and decided to take a quick trip to Trader Joe’s. Little did I know that a coven of witches meet in the parking lot on Monday afternoons. Surely they must have laid some curse upon the parking lot. That has to be the explanation for the chaos that I stumbled upon.
There were cars everywhere, horns blasting and more than a few middle fingers extended in greeting. So it was with great dread and timidity that I entered the lot. My eyes darted back and forth searching for a space while trying to avoid being struck by Hummers and trucks.
Finally I saw a woman prepare to leave and I quickly signaled that I would take her spot. She took her time getting situated in her car and I found myself staring into the eyes of an angry lady in a car facing mine. She honked and waved at me to get out of the way so that she could pass by.
Since I figured to be just a moment I smiled and waved back at her, pointed towards the space. The white lights on the back of the car were signaling that she was ready to back out. This did not sit well with her and she tried to force her way by my car.
As a peace loving man I was grievously injured by her attitude and aggressive nature. But Mama Jack also taught me not to take guff unless it was deserved. So I smiled back at her and blew her a kiss. A kiss that she apparently didn’t want, but I didn’t know that until later.
For at that moment I was able to pull into my parking space and head into the store. And that is when the fun began. Because the angry woman found a space as well and decided that she needed to speak to me inside the frozen foods section.
Angry Woman: A polite man would have pulled over in the parking lot.
Angry Woman: You blocked me in the parking lot so that I couldn’t get by.
Jack: Sorry, I thought that the woman whose space I was waiting for would have moved more quickly.
Angry Woman: That is not an apology.
Jack: What? I don’t really need to apologize. There was a car pulling out on the other side of me. You couldn’t have gone anywhere and you didn’t wait more than a moment.
Angry Woman: My time is valuable.
Jack: So is my time.
Angry Woman: I didn’t ask you about your time.
Jack: Actually if I am here and you are here, isn’t it our time.
Angry Woman: There is no “our” here.
Jack: No, I suppose not.
Angry Woman: I am really angry with you.
Jack: You should get over that. You don’t know me and I am not worth it.
Angry Woman: Don’t tell me what to do.
Jack: Can I pay you to do something?
Angry Woman: Don’t be cute with me.
Jack: I am not being cute. I am being mean and ferocious. If I was being cute you’d drop to your knees and beg for my favor.
Angry Woman: I don’t know who you think you are.
Jack: Do you know who you are. Because if you don’t I am sure that we can find someone who can help you.
Angry Woman: #%@%&*U^$ You!
Jack: Impressive vocabulary. But I have to ask, why are you following me through the store.
Angry Woman: Don’t walk away from me. I am not done with you!
Jack: But I am done with you.
Angry Woman: What are you some kind of pussy?
Jack: (Rolling my eyes) Yes, that is me. Now if you’ll excuse I am sure that you have a house to haunt or some poor husband to go nag.
Strangely enough this did nothing but make her angrier. She launched into a tirade about life and something about how evil men are. And because I am stupid I accused her of having penis envy. That my friends was incredibly funny to me, juvenile, but funny.
As you can imagine a bit of a crowd had formed and was following us around the store. Maybe they thought that cameras were about to pop out, I don’t know. We exchanged a few more pleasantries and I became concerned that she was going to assault me with some fruit or frozen foods and so I left the store.
Sometimes life is a real adventure.