Ain’t Got You- Or A Different Sort of Muse

“I got a house full of Rembrandt and priceless art
And all the little girls they wanna tear me apart
When I walk down the street people stop and stare
Well you’d think I might be thrilled but baby I don’t care
‘Cause I got more good luck honey than old King Farouk
But the only thing I ain’t got baby I ain’t got you

I got a big diamond watch sittin’ on my wrist
I try to tempt you baby but you just resist
I made a deal with the devil babe I won’t deny
Until I got you in my arms I can’t be satisfied”

Ain’t Got You– Bruce Springsteen

“I know somebody and they cry for you.
They lie awake at night and dream of you.
I bet you never even know they do, but somebody’s crying.
I know somebody and they called your name.
A million times and still you never came.
They go on loving you just the same, I know that somebody’s trying.

So please, return the love you took from me.
Or please, let me know if it can’t be me, I know when,
Somebody’s lying, I know when somebody’s lying.”

Somebody’s Crying– Chris Isaak

Nights in white satin, never reaching the end,
Letters I’ve written, never meaning to send.
Beauty I’ve always missed, with these eyes before.
Just what the truth is, I can’t say anymore.
Nights In White Satin– The Moody Blues

The song of my heart forever resides in a place inside me that never changes. The contradiction of fragments of the past and echoes of the future stand alongside her, the muse that no one but I know. Together forever and temporarily removed we are inextricably linked in a way that no one but us can understand.

She is out there now, my girl, in a place just beyond my reach, but not so far that I can’t feel her presence. My girl, my baby is traveling without me now on her way to places I can’t see and people I can’t meet. It is not always easy to accept that my air is elsewhere, but for the time being it is necessary.

At least these are the things that I tell myself. These are the things that I use to serve as salve for a heart that has again been ripped wide open. These are the words that I use to try and help understand how I fell so fast, so far and so hard when I swore that it would never happen again.

These are the tools that I use to try and recover that which was lost because no matter what happens, I cannot ignore the howling of my heart. I cannot ignore the screams of anger and frustration. Cannot contain the fire which refuses to be extinguished.

I feel as if I am standing on the verge of something great and magnificent. It feels like that which I have been searching for is almost within reach. All I have to do is maintain the effort, keep pushing, fight on to take one last step. All I need to do is sustain this effort for just a moment longer and I will cross over.

But I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t troubled by your absence. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t care whether you are there to witness my success, that triumph without you isn’t quite the same. I so dearly wish you to see me in that place in which I am not in crisis.

So dearly wish for you to experience it all with me, to share with me that which I have worked so hard for. If for no other reason than for so long you were the one who pushed and helped to inspire me to keep on moving.

Success without you isn’t the same, it is not as sweet. That is not to say that life without you is impossible. That is not to say that happiness cannot be found, because none of that would be true. But you know what drives me and you know that I don’t believe that you really have moved on. You know that this won’t let me move on, chains me to this place.

You know that your actions, your words give life to this belief and provide hope that the effort isn’t for naught. So I continue to dance in the fire, continue to wear my cloak of flames and endure. I do it for you. I do it for me and I do it for us.

I do it for the sake of the dreams and promises that we once shared.I do it because my gut says that I must.

“Come let me love you, let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you
Come let me love you, come love me again.”

Annie’s Song– John Denver

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