(One more for Fragments of Fiction)
It is Johnny but you already know that. This is the letter that I keep writing and rewriting over and over again. It is the one where I confess how very scared I am and how badly I wish that I could tell you this in person. Men don’t do that easily, we aren’t built to open up and admit weakness. We aren’t socialized to admit that we have insecurities and concerns that make us human.
I know, women always tell us that we should give in to our female side and share these feelings. You tell us not to worry and that a strong man can cry in front of you. Well that may be true, but maybe I am not that strong man or not strong enough. Maybe I can’t be that guy or maybe this is my attempt to be him. Maybe this is me telling you that I miss having you near and that in the quiet of the evening you’d hear that deep rumble that I call a voice attempt to whisper.
And in that moment you’d see me open and completely exposed before you, just a man who can’t stop loving a woman. A boy who wishes that he could hold his girl’s hand and connect. That same silly boy who pulled your pony tail and acted so immaturely is still there.
The boy and the man, the man and the boy. They are together forever and separated by moments in time. I stare at your pictures and caress your face.I look in your eyes and see things that no one else does. I see the pieces and the potential. I see the girl and the woman and my heart skips a beat. You wonder if I make you out to be more than you are. You worry that I have created a goddess who you cannot be. I know these things because just as you see the truth in me so I see it in you.
And that fire that we talk about, well it is burning bright. The torches in the chamber surrounding my heart are lit and the hallways are wide open and I remain amazed at you completely disarm me. I tell you now as I have told you before that no one else has ever done this or been granted access. You are special to me in ways that no one else can appreciate or understand.
I burn and I ache in the ecstasy of the flames. I care not who knows because all I see is you. And maybe that is the source of my fear. Maybe it is that you can’t join me. Maybe it is that I fear that I won’t be granted my wish and I’ll have to accept that. Maybe it is a fear that my heart is in complete denial of reality or maybe it is fear that I am right.
Maybe the reason my heart is pounding is because you are so close. I am not really sure. All I know is that you make me feel so very alive. All I know is that I have seen the truth in your eyes and learned more about love and life than most people ever do.
We once were something special and amazing. We once were more together than we could ever be apart. And that drives me forward. It energizes me. During our time apart I have learned much about myself. I know so much more about who I am and who I wish to be.
There is so much more to say but….In the interim remember that you are loved and that you are special. You’ll always be my girl.