Archives for October 2010

The call came around a little after 11 A.M. It was my next door neighbor calling to say that he thought that his home had been burglarized. For a moment I felt like I had been sucker punched because I realized that I had heard the person/people breaking into his home.

A short while before I heard three loud noises. It sounded like a Pile Driver. It was loud and unexpected. I remember noticing that the dog and I both looked up. I said something to him about wondering where the construction was. The initial bang was followed by two more and then it was silent.

For a moment I considered walking outside to see what all the banging was about. It never occurred to me that someone was violating the sanctity of my neighbor’s home. So since it was cold and wet outside I chose to stay inside and now I feel a pang of guilt about it.

One can argue that it is good that I didn’t confront those responsible for this as it could have been dangerous. After all they took some televisions, stereo equipment and jewelry, just stuff that can be replaced. But they are my neighbors and what happens to them affects me. People who feel free to break into my neighbor’s home could just as easily choose mine.

Needless to say when I received the call my neighbor was upset. He told me that he already called the police and was waiting in front of his house in his car. I told him that there was no reason for him to wait alone so I grabbed a pair of shoes and a Louisville Slugger and marched over.

But I made a point of going out the side door. I stood next to the block wall that divides our yard and listened, but didn’t hear anything. The dog joined me on my excursion outside and made a point of barking loudly at the nearby squirrels.

For a moment I considered bringing him along but decided against it. I wanted him to stay inside the house. So I sent him back in with instructions to eat anyone he didn’t recognize. I have conversations with him all the time. Some of those involve my providing instructions to guard my family. If I am not there it is his job to protect those children of mine.

As I marched out the gate I remembered a day years before when I felt like I had let them down. Daddy, They Have Mommy’s Purse, it wasn’t my fault then that they got the purse or that I didn’t take the guy down. I am not second guessing my actions. I did the right thing, but when moments like this come up it bothers me a little.

I want the children to have complete faith in their father, to know that I will always protect them. Yet I also know that it is not possible to do so in the manner I would like to. I think what bothers me the most about the purse stealing incident was the loss of innocence that came with it.

My neighbor greeted me at the corner and told me not to go in the house or stand in front of the door. I didn’t have any intention of doing either. I wasn’t afraid of the burglar(s) as too much time had passed. I was confident that they were gone, but entering had other complications. He had already called the police and the last thing I wanted was for them to find me alone inside the house.

The police arrived moments later and checked everything out. Whomever had been inside was gone and we can all be thankful that no one got hurt…physically. And even though I live in a safe neighborhood it is another reminder to pay attention when things go bump in the night or during the day.

I stumbled across a four year old post today and read my words again. I stumbled across a four year old post today and read words that reminded me that some challenges never go away.

‘On the subject of dreams there is always the question of how to fulfill those. What do you do to turn fantasy into reality. How do you bring the image in your head to life. Are you someone who is more content to dream or are you resourceful enough to turn fiction to fact.”

For a moment I stared at the page and wondered how it is that I am still stuck in this place. Three weeks ago I wrote about Dreams I Have Never Had and described what it felt like to dream

“Sometimes I dream about things that never were and places that I have never been. These dreams I have are bold and bright filled with beauty, mystery and sometimes fear. Sometimes I see the echoes of a future I hope to have and fragments of a past that was. There are dreams that I can’t quite describe but I can’t tell you why that is.

Maybe it is because trying to remember a dream is bit like trying to hold water in the palm of your hand. If you squeeze too hard it quickly pours out all the nooks and crannies and all you are left holding are a few lonely drops. But even if you hold absolutely still you still find that in a short time most of it will still have found a way to escape. Drips and drabs slide down the sides and between your fingers.”

I look at the words and I remember. Remember what it was like to be able to run with reckless abandon. Remember what it was like to run not for the sake of exercise and an endorphin rush but because children run. They run because they can and because little bodies have an enormous appetite for learning and a hunger to grow.

Little bodies have minds that aren’t constrained by reality. They don’t say that things are impossible because they don’t know what it means. And as I stare at the words and remember I think again about what Thomas Edison said  “Hell, there are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something.” A broad smile graces my face and I realize that I am not really stuck where I was, progress has been made.

“There is something to be said for having a road map that you can follow to see that your dreams are fulfilled but there is also something to be said for enjoying the journey. Be of good cheer. Be strong. Be patient. Be tenacious and never forget that luck may be an occasional substitute for talent but there is no substitute for hard work.”

Today my dreams have a shape and a definition that didn’t exist back then. Four years later I am a different man. I have spent more than a few moments dancing in a ring of fire. Moments where I closed my eyes, grunted and screamed in frustration because there have been hard times. There have been situations which have tested my resolve.

I have wondered if I was being punished and questioned myself. I have closed myself off and looked inwards for answers and every time I have been at the edge I have found a way back. Every time I felt like I was going to be consumed by darkness I found a ray of light- sunshine that lit my way back.

I suppose that sounds a bit melodramatic and maybe it is but I don’t care. The point and purpose of going through these moments in time is to grow or at least that is how I see it. The experiences I have had and the people I have met have helped me reach this place.

Now I am not going to say that I am thankful for all of it. Nor will I say that I am grateful for having undergone it all because I am not. Because I have spent more than a few minutes wandering through hell. I have lost hair and sleep over some of this. I have been through a mental and emotional ass kicking and I am not convinced that it was necessary.

But that was then and this is now. And now I find myself in a different place with thoughts, ideas and a goal. Now I find myself running on a soccer field with a host of children next to me. I challenge them all to a race. The six-year-old girls complain that it isn’t fair so I give them a sizable head start and I still beat them.

Later on I’ll take on the ten year-old boys, I still win but this time is different. For years I have been aware that one day I won’t be faster than my son and his friends. Part of me can’t wait to see how excited he’ll be when he can finally beat me. That will be true joy and part of me is sad. Sad because I wish that I could run forever with him. Sad because there is such a limited window of time for us to compete and play together like that.

Sad because I am competitive and it is hard to imagine that I can’t run like this forever but happy because I have rediscovered the joy of running like a child. Don’t think that I ever really lost it, I just forgot about it for a while.