I Want to Go Home

“And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
‘Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me”

Home– Michael Buble

“Home could be the Pennsylvania turnpike
Indiana’s early morning dew
high up in the hills of California
home is just another word for you.”

You’re My Home– Billy Joel

“Somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn’t really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
will come to see
That you belong
With me”

Somewhere Down The Road– Barry Manilow

Woman, it has been more than a long while since we last spoke and the clock is still ticking. Days turned into weeks and they of course turned into months. And then one day I realized that it had been more than a year since we had last spoken by telephone, far longer since we have seen each other. I suppose if I chose to I could figure out precisely how long it has been. It wouldn’t be hard to create a mathematical equation that spelled it all out. Something creative and unique that would provide a scientific explanation for all this and more importantly provided you with a big smile.

Not that you would admit it, there is little to no chance of that. You are far too stubborn to admit that you miss me as much as I miss you. You painted yourself into a corner a long time ago and the crazy fool that I am sat there barking at you. Sat there yelling and screaming to come back out. When that didn’t work I tried begging and pleading, but that was still to no avail. The wall was too big and too strong for me to knock down.

But I am as stubborn as you are, if not more so and I figured that if Joshua could knock down the walls of Jericho, well then so could I. Except this time I decided to take a different approach. This time I channeled my passion into developing a plan. This time I devised a strategy that would offer a better shot at making my dreams come true. Be careful now, I might just start singing the theme to Laverne and Shirley. 😉

Or maybe not.

It wasn’t easy to walk away and let so much time pass. It wasn’t easy for many reasons. I didn’t want to be placed in a position where time would make feelings fade into nothing. Didn’t want to provide you with the chance to take that illogical and irrational mind and develop some cockamamie excuse for why your actions were right and mine simply were not.

Keep your panties on, I am not saying that I don’t bear any responsibility here because I most certainly do. I know it and so do you. I also know all about the guilt you carry and the fear you feel. I know because I have been there too. I know because I have danced in the flames and twisted in the fire. I know because I never forgot the promises or the secrets. I know because my heart speaks to yours.

That’s the hardest part of all this and why we never have forgotten about each other. We don’t need words verbal or written to talk to each other. Our communication starts at a more instinctive and deeper level. When I saw submit you smile because you know exactly what I mean. You know the secrets and stories that no others have been allowed to see. But I have said all this before.

You also know that if you try to keep on running all you will never outrun the fear and regret of not knowing. You told me that you were furious with me for not finding you years before. You said that I was your hero and all I have done is try to live up to that. Sometimes heroes fail and I am guilty of that. I failed in a few areas and I take responsibility for that. But the bigger failure is to walk away without trying to recover what was lost.

So here I am, working on things that I don’t speak or write about. Here I am doing what I can to emulate the tortoise and not the hare. Here I am reading The Art of War and looking for ways to apply those lessons to my life. Not from the sense of battle and warfare but from a strategic perspective. Here I am following my heart and trusting that who I am now is leading me to who I want to be.

Once upon that time I successfully chased after and caught that silver man and I am confident that I can do it again.  Time will tell.

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