Somewhere across the city a dear friend of mine is watching someone they love die. It is not going to be noble, honorable or brave- at least not in the traditional sense. Or maybe I should say that it is not out of a book or a movie. There is no good reason for this. You cannot provide an explanation that I will accept or offer consultation that is anything other than sometimes life happens.
They don’t know that I am writing this post or sharing this information.Â In part that is because they don’t read the blog but also because I don’t need to tell them any of this. It has already been shared between us. We have spoken at length about death and he has heard as much as he needs to hear right now. I can’t offer any sort of solace. I can’t fix this for him. I can’t do anything other than be his friend.
Sometimes I think that I am angrier about this than he is. Sometimes I think that I am angrier because I am not sure it is real to him yet. I don’t know if it has completely sunk in that the woman he loves is going to die. I am not suggesting that he be angry about it either. We all handle these things in our own ways. I am angry because it is so senseless.
I have a harder time with terminal illnesses than with death by other means. What happened to in Tucson is unconscionable. The news is sometimes filled with these terrible stories about wanton violence and slaughter. I am not suggesting that these are not tragic or that they are any better. Instead I am saying that I find them easier to deal with. Turn the corner and the mugger doesn’t find you. Call in sick on 9-11 and you miss being in the towers. I won’t say whether that is shit house luck or divine providence because I don’t know.
Really, there aren’t answers that I find to be satisfactory so I don’t spend time or effort chasing them. It is kind of funny because I can be that guy that chases after ghosts.
It is part of my nature to verify that the fire burns and that the pot is warm.Â But that is neither here nor there.
What I try to focus on is learning from the mistakes I have made and from the things that I see around me. It is a reminder that the words I wrote here are even more significant. I can’t wait any longer to make some changes. I can’t make excuses or pretend that the right time is coming sooner. I can’t do it anymore because it is just not in me. The time to act is now. The time to do what I need to do is now. TheÂ time to move is now.
Now, now, now, now, a thousand times now. So let these words bear witness to the silent promises I am making to myself. Let them serve as a guide and a tool that I will use to push through the obstacles. The dreamer chooses to try and live his dreams and not the reverse.
It all makes me feel very strange. It is sort of like waking up and realizing that you have been in a coma or trapped inside a cocoon. I don’t know what lies on the other side, but I am going to find out.