“I look at the world and I notice it’s turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps”
While My Guitar Gently Weeps– The Beatles
Johnny sat down at the computer, turned on some music and started typing a letter to June. It was one of many that he had written to her and like so many of the others it was one that he would never send. It wasn’t something that she needed to see. There was no purpose in sending her a letter outlining all the reasons why she had made a mistake. There was nothing to be gained by sending her a weepy love letter in which he tried to convince her to open her heart and come back into his arms.
There was a reason why she was gone and though it was illogical, irrational and foolish there wasn’t any point in chasing her, at least not any longer. He had already tried that. He had written her more times than he could count and called her a thousand times. She didn’t take his call or write him back. There was no reciprocity. Â It made no sense to keep banging his head against the wall.
She was out there…somewhere. Out there living her life without him and presumably doing fine. Or at least she was doing well enough that she was able to maintain her distance. At least he told himself that this was what was going on. He looked in the mirror and explained to the reflection that her silence was proof that she wasn’t open to his offer. The eyes in the reflection showed a profound and deep sadness in them. They told a story of someone who had suffered a grievous lost and had experienced sorrow. The sparkle that normally there was nowhere to be found, or so it seemed.
Yet there were more than a few moments where Johnny felt that silent tug at his heart that had always told him that June was thinking about him. In the past that silent tug usually preceded a telephone call or email from her. That silent tug was something that they had often laughed about. She had told him more than once that she had never loved a man with the fire and passion that she loved him. She had never felt anything as deep or profound. She was certain that they were meant to be and that not being together would be a terrible tragedy.
The memories of those moments and past conversations made him smile and think. He racked his brain trying to figure out if the echoes of the past we real. He stared off into the depths of memory and studied the past. The goal was to try and figure out if he was seeing what he wanted to see. He wanted to use logic and reason to develop answers to the questions he had.
It would have been great except logic and reason kept bumping into love. Love wasn’t logical and it certainly wasn’t reasonable. He remembered a moment from their past and thought about how he had tried to walk away. He had told her that it made more sense for her to try and find her smile without him. He told her that she couldn’t find the answers she sought with him still around. And in return she had asked him not to go. She had told him that she couldn’t stand the idea of life without him. So he asked her what it was that she wanted and she had replied that she wanted him to keep on loving her.
That was exactly what he had done. He had kept on loving her. He had kept on believing that somehow they would find a way to make it work. He had kept on believing that one day he would figure out the solution to it all. Sometimes he would dream about it and picture how it might happen. He had this silly idea that he would set up a hot dog cart outside of her office. Â Dressed up as an ordinary hot dog vendor dressed in jeans, a t-shirt and a white apron that was slightly stained with Ketchup he would set up shop each day and sell lunch to the people who walked by.
Eventually she would see him and they would have one of those moments you see in the movies. They would make eye contact and smile at each other. And then magically they would end up embracing and finish it with some sort of kiss that would set off fireworks in the sky. Â Sometimes the idea made him snort. He made a mental note to try and take off the apron prior to hugging her. It wouldn’t do to smell like ketchup and relish, not to mention it would be hard to be suave and debonair in that stained garment.
Johnny snorted again. The idea was preposterous and so very unlikely it was a waste of time to think about. She had made it clear that he needed to forget about her and if he was smart that is exactly what he would do. That last thought turned the snort into more of a guffaw and he laughed out loud. Laughed because he knew that as long as his heart was at war with his head he wasn’t going to just give up. He simply couldn’t do that.
Couldn’t do it because he was convinced that she wasn’t done either. Her silence wasn’t and indication that she wasn’t interested. It wasn’t proof of anything other than she wasn’t going to make it easy for him. How many times had she told him before that she would never be the first person to say “I love you.” Â He knew that the sentiment applied to this situation too. At some point in time he was going to have to take action and do something about it.
He wasn’t quite sure what that meant but he wasn’t worried about it. It was just one of those things that he would figure out. He rolled his eyes and grunted something about dealing with crazy women. Good times for certain. Well, time would tell if that one kiss way back when had really changed everything.